Like what you see?

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Bend over backwards.

Morph Kina Grannis and Jasmine Villegas (a.k.a the girl from 'Baby')

You get Cierra Ramirez

She starred in this:


I will admit, this was a pretty good investment of my time. It is available on youtube; and the girl (who is my age) has got some serious swag. I adore her sense of fashion.

--this was drafted early March.


Hello peoples !

I have been through a whirlwind of emotions. And suddenly, I didn't need to blog about it anymore. Containing them in my mind was more self-sufficient.

Pao's loss, day 11.

I have , you can say... come to terms with Pao's loss? (Now I know for sure she isnt going to appear on my doorstep again eventually.)

Her kittens are dying one by one. Watching them get weaker and weaker until they can barely produce a sound is getting less painful than I thought it would be. Morbid thoughts flood my mind. Optimistic me would tell me to snip them off before it develops into a major psychological problem.

Anyway, what I did was, give them a bath! If they were going to die I want them to be clean while at it. Do not question the rationale to that. I get really angry when people have anything negative to say about Pao "abandoning" her kittens and making circumstances be such. Because she didn't just abandon them. She was mercilessly thieved away.

Anyway, enough with the moping.

Ironically, what made me want to blog was listening to jumpy bubbly songs. If I were still sad I wouldn't be able to phrase proper english sentences about what I feel.

Think ;
Sara Bareilles - Gonna Get Over You
Marina & The Diamonds- Primadona Love
..whatever you get when you youtube 'Demi Lovato playlist'

My life has made a dramatic leap of progress if we compare it with the last 5/6 months.. I start college in more or less 10 days. I'm doing A levels. The last thing I saw myself doing. This is taking some time for my brain to process.

I think my mom is the most bending-over-backwards person I know of, in this planet.

In one day she buys me a watch, a subway sandwich, a new pair of spectacles, on top of that gives me cash for future use, offers to get me a handbag, bears with the excessive excessive excessive amount of walking we did around KL trying to locate the college I was supposed to visit, doesn't complain even once after we took the wrong train roughly four or five times, goes to inquire about another college for the course I was supposed to take, etc etc. She cancelled all the plans she was supposed to attend to for the day to morally support me and even attended the free trial class I was supposed to attend because I was a bit scared to be alone in such a foreign environment.

Oh, oh, all of that while having a really injured knee.

She will not know how much I appreciate and need her in my life. Because we're not one for "I love you" s.

It gives me a lot to compare with if you look at how much my dad is involved with my life. Yes, it brings me down sometimes, but I had like, the last five years or so to get used to it.

So why does it still bring me down? things to ponder..

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Coping with Pao's loss-day 5.

I finally understand why some people do drugs.

I used to think it was so stupid. A typical making a statement act. Fitting in.  Peer pressure. Completely avoidable addiction. "Oh, I'm sad, so I am going to shower my self with strong nerve damaging drugs."

As far as my shallowness on the subject went, nothing was ever too sad that enough time and moral support couldn't heal.

But that was until I lost something I loved so, so, much.
I am in a state that I will take ANYTHING. Any alternative to keep me from being sane and being able to process my horrible reality of having the one thing I care about at home be stolen from me.

You know how you love something when you first get it and over time (years) your love isn't as strong? That is how it was NOT with Pao. Every single day I wake up and it's like the first time I'm seeing her. Every half an hour no matter what I am doing I just need to look at her just to make sure she is still alive and present and smile. That's how it was for the last six months.

Now I lie awake for hours when I am trying to sleep, playing back meaningless memories, such as her quietly lying on the computer table.  The flashes of memory I have, don't even have anything to do with me. They could be as random as Pao eating her bag of (still left the way it was) 'Whiskers'. Pao biting a leaf. Pao sleeping. Pao's eye twitching. Pao's tail.

I could be watching a video with headphones on, but suddenly hear her as if she were right behind me and freeze. (Happened 10 times this day alone) Everything I look at has a memory of her tethered to it. Every time I wake up I keep thinking maybe if I walked downstairs a Pao will be there to surprise me, she just took a long walk. I am sleeping on a bed without a bed sheet because if I put it back on it will always remind me that Pao slept ON that bed sheet. It will stare me in the face everyday.

I keep hearing her meow when she isn't there. When I eventually get to sleep she makes an appearance in my dreams. I just had a dream this evening, that she came back. She changed, almost like a different cat-- but she was back in my arms. It scared me. Would I be able to accept a different Pao if she returned?
I watch the other stray cats behind my house running about in their normal untainted lives and talk to them asking if they've seen my Pao, as if they would magically answer me back or even understand what I'm saying.


You don't understand.
I don't love anything deeply enough to want to make sacrifices for and proclaim it to the world.

(Pao, jussssssst after giving birth. Last pic I took of her.)


Now these are things I would seriously do. I don't believe in catching grenades or other melodramatic shit like that because what is the point of getting Pao back if I am not alive to see it happen eventually? I repeat. This is not me being dramatic, these are things I would actually do.

I would trade in not ever knowing my SPM results if that meant I could get Pao back the way she was when I last saw her.

I would trade in not going to college this year and watching other people progress with their lives.

I would trade in my sense of taste for seaweed (which sucks because sushi has seaweed)

I would trade in not having my leg scars heal ever which would mean I could never wear another dress and feel pretty.

I would trade not consuming anything for a week excluding water.

I would trade in not meeting anyone from secondary school ever again excluding Becky and the usual 8.

I would gladly have dengue and be admitted in a hospital for Pao.

I would be willing to not have a hand phone until I am 25.

I would go off facebook for half a month.

I would.. *gulp* have her kittens die, only if that meant she would be back.

I would give up ever have a twitter account.

I would give up Milo for half a year.

I would trade not being able to visit outside Asia ever.






Saturday, March 16, 2013

Paolia is gone.

Pao left home . No, Pao wouldn't do that. Someone fucking STOLE her.

My pride and joy, the only one I come home to be with, my first legit pet. :(

I discovered this upon returning from a horrible two day trip to Pahang. The event didn't completely suck, it was my health. My head felt like it was a swinging pendulum, my eyes as if someone had marinated them with chilli powder and put them back in my sockets, my nose septum (you know the one that divides your nostrils) were sore from all that blowing, my throat was in pain that it affected my voice, my hair all unruly, and I haven't had a proper sleep in those days.

After all of that, all I wanted to do was come back and give Pao a big cuddle. I noticed something was strange when the car stopped at the driveway and she didn't come charging at us. I overlooked it as her having bigger life priorities, such as feeding her 2 week old kittens.

Even when we walked into the house there was no sign of her ,in all the places she would be. Her kittens were climbing out of the cupboard they were put in and crying the loudest I've heard them (for what I assume must be milk). Note: their eyes have not fully opened yet and they couldn't even walk but they were shivering and ..gliding(?) about the floor. I was getting distressed because I couldn't sleep from all that screaming.

I took a 10 minute power nap (more like lie-on-the-bed-open-eyed) before going outside and relentlessly calling out for Pao. I took her bag of whiskers and shaked it , front entrance, back door-- because the last time she went out for a long walk , this was the remedy for it. If there's one thing I knew, it was that Pao loved food probably more than her babies. After that didn't work I carried her screaming fur balls outside too. No such luck.

That's when it started to become more than distress. It was sheer panic. Hours had passed since my return from Pahang, and the screaming kittens didnt get any softer. I took a walk down my house's lane , briefly inspecting drains.. calling out her name (all this still feeling and looking like crap). Her kittens were evidently more weak because the orange one stopped making any noise and coiled up in a ball by a corner under the bed. They were dying.

Now here's a known fact: Kittens (or cats) CANNOT drink our regular milk, it is almost lethal to them ! So stop wondering why I didnt just make them a warm bowl of milk. Also my *unhelpful* parents didnt take them to a vet.

I guess somewhere along that point of realizing that I broke down. Made an unhelpful call to my sister, before she gave me the idea of just making the milk anyway, but have it be really diluted. I had to do SOMETHING, so I did that.

I fed the babies though a cotton bud and so far things are still very very bad but better than when she first abandoned them. Or was abruptly stolen away from them.


So, don't talk to me if what you have to say goes along the lines of  "Get over it, it was just a cat." or if you intend on making jokes about it. I preferred Pao to human company; and if you didnt know about how strongly I felt for Pao you might as well not know me at all..

In fact just don't talk to me at all, anyone. I cannot give you the normal communicative response you want. I am not even interested in explaining why.

I don't care about SPM results at all, now. I just want my Pao back.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Deception & Perception. (A review)

In the last 2 weeks I stumbled upon two brilliant TV series. Considering I am a sucker for a good thriller/mystery and nothing like that has made an appearance in my television crazed life since Pretty Little Liars, it was like,  jackpot! *kaching!*

I first found 'Deception' , and concluded it as an adult version of 'Pretty Little Liars'.

I mean, a rich, challenging white blond girl who keeps secrets is found dead, and everyone has a motive to kill her. *So freaking similar omg why hasn't anyone pointed this out?*

(Upon looking at this poster I could only think of how the description of PLL is = Never trust a pretty girl with an ugly secret.) Play on words. How ORIGINAL. Heck, even the opening sequence of Pretty Little Liars is Alisson lying in an open coffin below.

BUTTTT I turned a blind eye to all of that because everything I was hooked onto before this, were heaps and heaps of mindless comedy, that it was getting so monotonous. I didn't want to raise the standards of things in life I can find funny any more than it's already towering level.. (I am afraid it might already be too late for that) and hopelessly wait for a real life 'Max Black' to appear in my life. *2 Broke Girls, yay.*

Anyway, after watching the first episode , It turned out not to be that bad after all ! (: The very first episode and they reveal that the person who was supposed to be the dead girl's sister is actually her DAUGHTER ! Talk about drama. Oh, I left out the most important part, a.k.a the deal breaker(s)!

1. There were only 10 episodes I had to catch up with. Y'all know how much I hate needing to catch up with even two seasons worth of episodes. Even if it is damn good series, I can never. Okay unless it were like, 13 episodes each. But you know, series usually have 24 episodes per season. The only way THAT is gonna work is if an episode is 20 minutes-ish.

2. The main character, Joanna , was not your stereotypical white persona. Naturally, I felt obligated to support my kind. Okay, I am not black. *I find this term offensive, is there a more polite way? * But if identifying as one counted for anything....

3. This promo video. Perfect accompanying music, almost like it does the job of narrating the mystery. I don't use the term perfect a lot, so that's saying something.

But I am more a fan of PERCEPTION !  *No, I didn't plan for it to rhyme.

Do not be fooled by the promotional poster and following gif which might suggest it is a comedy because it ISNT !

I put it there to manifest my feels for Eric Mccormak.

This one (Perception) on the other hand is more...original, and if I had to guess, it sells because of the main character (Daniel) 's intelligence in solving complexities on top of being a schizophrenic. It tripled his sex appeal.

Thumbs up to the producers for slipping in anagrams and people who you think exist but don't. The first time it happened it spooked me. I loved it!

 It is what sets the show apart. Also, like, you won't see it at first but when you follow the show you start to have all these feels for Daniel and how handsome he is, and start wondering why HE isn't cast as the womanizer in 'Californication' because he looks waaaaaay more convincing. You know, for being 49 and all. Maybe it's just me.  

The trailer to the show is this:

Comments on youtube call it a Sherlock Holmes rip off , but I've never watched even one episode of that to judge, and I would root for this more than that because I only have about 10 episodes to catch up with, again. Yezzah! :)

Saturday, March 9, 2013


Normal people listening to Eisley:

*taps feet*
*shakes head to beat*
*lip syncs*

Me listening to Eisley:

*remembers dad is in the hall*
*silent for few mins*
*plays same song again*
*dances while sitting on chair* (it's possible)
*wide grinned + extra dramatic lip sync *
*imagines what it would feel like to stand between Sherri and Stacy*
*plays that same song again*
*plays a live version of that song*
*examines their facial expressions and tries to understand how they sing it*
*Moves to next youtube video of songs they sing*
*repeat cycle*
*If smiles could kill...

Fun fact: I just listened to 'Better Love' 10 times while typing this.  

I am especially hooked on to the lyrics; "How can I unwind you; when I can't unwind myself?" from 'Better Love.' The tune is so much like a fragment of that 'Hedwigs Theme', if we rocked it up.

And I take great pleasure in moan-singing out the line; "If you're my guide, I'm your guide."
It literally sounds like;

"If mmyore ma'guide ngghiym'uh yore gyyydd!'

The blogging rationale.

Random thought:

It sometimes seems to me that people think...personal genre blogging is for lifeless pre-teens who have enough free time in their hands to use it on talking about themselves?

Or that it is for lonely people who have nothing much to do with their time so they let their thoughts take over them. And because they have so much of them (thoughts) and they're not ready to just let it be forgotten and replaced with new things, they write about it in blogs.

On some level they might have a point. Because if you think about it, when life is moving fast for you and happiness comes in abundance, you cannot even keep track of which event is big enough to talk about, because they are all equally as great, and so much of it comes that you don't have to document it anymore. Your mere experience of these events make you content. If you forget one great event there will always be another one and another one , popping up like annoying ads when you're trying to watch an episode of a TV series.

The only way you'd still want to write about it all is if writing is generally your niche. Or if you have OCD. (I lean toward this reason.)

I guess I've grown to understand that when people don't update blogs it isn't entirely about sloth or giving the next post more impact, it could just be that life's been good to you.

After what appeared to be a dark overture for the year, I am pleased to say that things are just nice. Not perfect, but nice.

Calls for the classic just-silly-enough-to-pass-for-a-smile-but not-genuine-smile moment. Okay in that pic it just looks like I smelled something bad.
I just love my pink shirt, okay?