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Sunday, October 13, 2013

(Extended periods of) lone time.

T-t-tthis  bbb-bl-o..oogg?!

*Evil laugh*

It's been months since I have let alone visited this site, what more posted in it.

I used to check-in here to write with an abundance of energy and thoughts , the way it would be if a tap isn't turned off even after a cup is filled to the brim. And what was in this blog, was just the excess. The little that overflows.

Hey Amelia how are you what's happening with your life are you okay are you pregnant you're still alive?

My life? It's like the lines from the Lily Allen song 'Why';

" Why is my phone full of so many numbers,
And why doesn't anyone call.
Maybe they think that I'm always too busy,
Or maybe I've no friends at all."

If what you derived from that is that I am sad and lonely then I need to rethink the way I represent my thoughts. Basically, I am happy with my life. The happiest I've been. But I have lost contact with a number of people from my past which troubles me. I feel like they are making attempts to reach out for me. To have me in their life. But I am the one always subconciously pushing them away.

*maybe that's why I dream of teeth/teeth falling a lot*

It's not even the typical , 'too-afraid-of-getting-hurt' or 'dealing-with-not-being-important-to-people-who-are-important-to-me' story.

I cannot blame it on stress, because I am not exactly stressed. I don't know what it is either. It's like the stereotypical teens you see in these American movies. A parent's worst nightmare,-- their daughter evolving into some anti-social rebel hipster who thinks everything is overrated, including life itself. No explanation provided. Except I don't think I am too cool for life. And I'm not a hipster. I just, I dont feel like communicating and socializing as much anymore.

Again, I feel like I am misrepresenting myself.

I dont hate the world. More often than not, it's the tiredness from my 6am-7pm day.

I guess everyone needs their lone-time sometimes. There are times I wish I could just be on facebook but be invisible to people so that they wont get offended by thinking I am avoiding them if I do not respond to their very friendly, nice attempts at connecting with me again through fb chat.  (I am looking at you, Becky--I wonder how you bear with me sometimes.) I know that it's possible to just 'appear offline' on chat but I want to constantly see who's online at the same time. So how? Masalah dunia pertama. (that's first world problems, heheh.)

I guess it's the fact that these people were once up to date with every little life progress I have made , and the period of lost contact makes it difficult to bring up things from these past few months without feeling like I'm being self absorbed. (Because when I talk about myself I tend to expect undivided attention, and a discussion on me to be listened to, not merely heard.)
Last time feeling like I was self absorbed was acceptable. Now it isn't. Because everyone's got their own story too , waiting to be listened to.
To summarize, it's like if you don't know about everything that is happening in my life now you're as close to not being my friend. And if I do tell you about the details of what's going on, and you're going to be judgemental about it and reconsider being friends with me , I cannot tahan. ;(
I've come to the root of the problem. It isnt fear of hurt or not being important, it is fear of rejection + judgement.