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Saturday, November 7, 2015

Voluntary assumption of stress and personal growth

It's 2.14 am, and I'm typing this from the surface RT in my sister's new place. I came here because the internet at home was not functional, and I was hoping that by being here at least I might have gotten some assignment research done. But I ended up collapsing on the bed for the past hour or so.

The events which took place lately have been nothing short of exhausting and draining. To some extent it's what I have always wanted--to be so busy and occupied with life that my mind does not have to wander to any individual it can miss today. On the other hand, there is a side which knows I am overworking myself by trying to balance a part time job where I am on-call (this sometimes means a 4 hour shift of smiling at people after a 9-4 class sesh), year 2 of a bloody LAW degree, budding stages of trying to vlog, gyming, studying outside lectures to try and grasp the subject, four major assignments, trying to make my family happy, trying to plan new experiences like wall climbing, making time for friends and ultimately a social life, joining college clubs to learn like Model United Nations, balancing my finances, questioning my career choice, keeping as many people in my life happy, working on my self esteem--(which a lot of people must assume I have no problems with ) and forgiving myself for my past mistakes.

And some people say just the fact that they are doing a degree is exhausting.

But I hardly see this as complaining. I voluntarily assumed the stress and risks associated with these commitments. I took away a lot of stories and experiences from them. In a way, it is helping me grow. The most important of all these lessons would be that everybody is fighting a battle we know nothing about--so it's best that we do our part as decent human beings and be kind. Every little smile means something. Gratitude would be the second most important lesson. I learned to appreciate the simple fact of being able to breathe with no difficulties when I was getting intolerable amount of panic attacks.

God has a plan for me. That's what I believe. This is just a practice run. (Y)

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Standard Attraction.

I pondered on the possibility of my standards being too 'unrealistically high.'

Verdict: False.

I mean, is it wrong for me to expect certain things from the person I want to be with, when I have invested so much of time, money and energy into building myself to become the person I am today? I know I don't look like Amy Jackson or Mila Kunis to begin with, but I am no Shrek either!?

I don't think it's UNrealistic. If I had to list down the most attractive traits in a person to me, this is what it would look like. In fact, these traits have been constant and unchanged for a large part of my life.

- Androgyny
- Dimples. (My heart! ♥ ♥)
- Oozes sex appeal. (nice to look at, basically.)
- Loner type, doesn't need a group of friends around to be content.
- Opinionated.
- Has a sense of style.
- Humor! / Witty.
- Confident, to the point that they sometimes come across as self-absorbed.
- Above-average English.
- Isn't embarrassed about their culture/roots/heritage.
- Nice handwriting.
- Has a passion in something, it could even be fossils.
- Takes a girl out to new and exciting places which doesn't have to be pricey.
- Challenges me intellectually and physically to become a better person.
- Knows their priorities, and acts as such.
- Is too 'old' to be discussing people, but rather, ideas.
- Optimistic . (Because dealing with me involves a lot of 'BUT WHAT IF-- *Insert worst case scenario here)

Do I expect someone to have ALL of this ? No. It's not a rigid binding precedent. But somewhere along this line would be nice. And in return, I promise a really epic, emotional, crazy journey ahead. There is little I won't do for the right diamond.

I'll love too hard. Laugh too loud. Learn to cook their favourite meals. Spend on flowers. Write them poetry and songs. Ensure that I will never have to be compared to. Obsess, but also know when to give space. Provide daily entertainment. Be someone they would be proud of. Inspire. Share stories. Narrate stories. Make stories with. etc, etc.

But this time, I won't let whoever it is define me. It will be the kind of bond that complements me, as opposed to engulf me whole.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

The saddest thing about a bitter breakup

I think, one of the saddest things about a breakup besides the
obvious 'broke-my-trust-yada-yada' things is this;

It's that you start forgetting all the nice things about the person you dated. The reason it worked, the things you admired, and loved. Some do it intentionally to come to terms with what they have done (like I don't know, if they are the dumper).

 Like, maybe if they focused on all the negative things about them; or all the hate and disappointment leading to the split and completely DELETED the laughs and love, then they somehow convince themselves that they have made the right choice to ease their guilty conscience existent from having hurt another person tremendously. A person they once loved, whom made their lives a happier place once upon a time. Or they start creating things to have hated . 'How did I not see this before, I was just being used' (even though they might not have been). Again, in the name of easing a guilty conscience.

Others, may do it unintentionally. (like I don't know, if they are the dump-ee)
Like somehow, if they focused on all the bad things, they can convince themselves that their lost love was way below what they deserved and someone out there is going to be on par with all that they deserve. Maybe that's the only consolation they have for themselves, really.

And somewhere in between all that mess, we lose sight of all the peace. All the inside jokes, the places you visited, the clothes you wore to those places, it gets sucked into this void of memories waiting to be sucked into a blackhole, never to be retrieved again. [Sort of like that scene in 'Inside out' where Bing Bong...*nevermind, I don't do spoilers*]

Then when we face them again, we don't see that person as a person anymore, instead--we stare at a pinnacle of discomfort, unhappiness, anger and possibly hate. And that, ladies and gentlemen-- The moment when the love morphs into that discomfort, is the saddest thing.

of course, it does not apply to everyone, because I know a few people who can maintain happy relationships with their exes and it's all fine and stuff.

In fact, I personally don't hate any ex. I could be out sometimes, and I would hear a song or smell something that reminds me of what was, and I don't feel hate. Just smile to myself, and take a deep breath thinking about how everything is reduced to nothing, that's all. Because nobody crosses your path without a reason. Everyone you meet is a lesson. And man did I learn. ;')

P/S: I wish nothing but happiness for you, and if I really loved as much as only I know is possible, then I would rather you stay happy and being the best version of yourself with someone who can make it possible rather than miserable and chained down with me. I can never bring myself to hate.