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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Ampang Point.

My idea of a fun outing is a long ride somewhere serene , with people I feel safe with--and good music accompanying in the background. Every once in a while, I am reminded how blessed I am that there are people who look out for me and want nothing more than my simple company.

Thanks, Sindu. :) Super tiring day ugh.

Monday, July 25, 2016

A tail of two cats.

Meet Onus (left) and Bagheera, (right).

...two of the three cats living with me .

Short bio:
Bagheera came to stay with us as a toddler, is my father's biggest fan and  recently lost her four kittens . Onus came to stay with us when it barely had vision, abandoned by its mother shortly after birth. At the time it seemed cruel but It probably knew that it would have a better chance of survival with us than with her.

I know so many people who do not like cats. Call them useless . But this post is not about to convinve with people who just have different preferences to pick mine, but . Bagheera is one of the most loving cats I've seen. And recently, since losing her babies, Bagheera has been extra attached to Onus, thinking he's one of hers.

He does not mind the extra attention, and does not attack when Baghee cleans him up and speaks to him. (Cats have their language). I find it cute how they complete each other and fill the gaps left from what life did to them. How sweet it is to find a kind of love which completes you.

Together, they take care of any cockroaches or insects who trespasses into the residence, act as bolsters and general cute creatures which makes me so geram all the time. :)

Saturday, July 23, 2016

To understand or not to understand , that is the question.

As I get older, the goals I strive for become further and further away from what my youthful self would have envisioned.

I'm definitely not the same person I was. And thank god for that, because who wants to be the same person forever, right? That's what growing up is about .

Young me would have never seen herself as a complex creature , unable to be understood by a lay man. All I crave for at this point of time is a little simplicity in life , while retaining this exterior of unpredictability in terms of appearance and thoughts . It seems like these two are difficult to reconcile . But looking at that picture of myself , I'm reminded that underneath all the mental health issues and unpredictability , there is really a simple person waiting to be understood.

Yet at the same time she wonders, would being understood make her happy or otherwise? Sure, it would feel nice for some days, but soon after , it opens her to vulnerability -- when someone knows the trigger buttons and the secret passages. Which in the long run, makes her an unhappy person .

Unrelated note: There are daughters who steal their mother's make up and clothes to play dress up. Then there are daughters who steal their fathers shirts. *shifty eyes*

There might be two people living inside of me , and one is an overconfident man.


Sunday, July 17, 2016

Thoughts on 'anger'.

I don't normally cuss or curse when angry because I keep it classy I believe in raising the quality of my argument instead of my voice, but there are certain individuals whom really test my limits.

I hate being angry because it ruins the 'brick walls' which form my parameters. Letting someone get to me, is like letting them pluck out just enough loose bricks to destabilize and crumble them. Another reason is because, someone or something cannot MAKE me do something. In the end, it's a personal choice to react to something negatively.

I am working on allocating more blame upon myself instead of  'you made me this way-- sad, angry, in tears and about to punch something--which will probably make my knuckles bleed yet leave the object unperturbed anyway. ' I could have chosen to block it out, shake it off. But instead I'm sitting there with my face as hot as it normally gets after a run, my heartbeat accelerated, my teeth clenched so that my accentuated jawline makes me look even more masculine and thoughts shuffling so fast I can barely concentrate on one.

I'm not a saint though. I do curse. To emphasize something. From how rare that comes out of my mouth, I'm guessing the emphasis effect works. You would know if I'm "not in the fucking mood for this right now."
Most importantly, I've always associated cursing with what happens in bed. Reserved for the peak of intimacy/intensity, when you're almost not in your body anymore and you're out of breath, with the words barely escaping your mouth;

"That was fucking good."
"Fuck yes."

...I'll not delve into details. You're an adult, you get the idea.

I guess this post is the inevitable consequence of seeing something I should not have. It was a choice I made. I could have not gone out and looked for it. But I did. And damn, did it push some buttons.

P/s:  I typed half  this post with a purring white cat on my lap, moving its eyes with  my fingers rapidly slamming on the keys. So cute. So... fucking cute.

Monday, July 11, 2016

That brief moment when things are in place.

As I'm sitting here pondering the last few months I have of abundant spare time to pursue hobbies before my third year commences, I'm reflecting on how kind 2016 has been to me.

I would assume there must have been SOME divine intervention at play, considering everything I was sad about in.. what, 2013-2015 (?) has become everything to be grateful for this year.

Results aren't out yet, but . Whatever the outcome is on Wednesday I have to just suck it up and accept it. These are some things I've learned along the way.

 My heart is feeling something again, looks like it isn't numb. ♥ I also realized that when food is made out of love, it reflects in the taste. I've acquired the ability to discern genuine and temporary people. I'm learning to balance fitness with cutting myself slack and having fun, a delicate balance. I've begun to grasp the concept of 'wanderlust'. Traveling is more then getting to a place. It's the adrenaline rush of anticipation, the exchanging of culture, meeting new people and more importantly the impulsiveness of it all.

All this while I've always put off great moments for later, for a big finale after having done something to 'deserve' it.  But great moments can happen everyday when you have cash in your wallet. (looks like sometimes we need dollar bills to have fun, Sia!) All that would have only happened with a job. Which I swear, I didn't think I would last this long at. But it sure as hell taught me a lot about people and myself.

I met people who taught me things from their life, which in turn made me reflect on mine, the same one I've been trying to escape from for a long time. But if I had stopped fighting it and started embracing it--maybe been the change I wanted to see instead of assuming the spectator seat and hoping for things to start taking place, then life would have improved for me much sooner. Grateful to have a family and a roof above my head. A good support system . You know?

Apart from that, my rad sense of style has not faded, but the narcissism a little less so, I'd think. Last month I discovered Pull & Bear, and fell in love with their selection of models. That's where I found this precious androgynous gem. Tre Samuels is bae (!!!) ...I hope he googles himself and finds me, haha.

You know who else is bae ? Kristen Stewart.  *heart shaped eyes*