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Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Fall down, get back up .

Hello ~!

There are times when things are fine. It's not frequent, but it's a momentary pause from the chaos in my brain.

[ ONE DAY, I might reach the point when I say there are days, weeks then eventually months-- when things are fine. But for now I'll start with hours to be precise. ]

Between classes, meeting new friends, events, screwing up   trying tennis, trying to cook my own meals (albeit not liking them) , dressing up,  remembering God, healing from my scars and learning new subjects, I feel like a baby sunflower peeking through the sidewalk again.

BUT... (there is a but) every time I think to myself ; 'girl, you're getting your life on track' --it feels like I speak too soon.

I got an anxiety attack in class today. Shivering is getting more and more beyond my control  (I cannot tell if it's from the attacks or the weather because I heard it was 2 degrees this morning) ; My vision becomes impaired, Focusing on words to read gives me a headache. I can hear words being said but I am not making sense of it, it's just voices. A minute feels like an hour, it feels like there is a vacuum space around me where air is around me but not getting in my lungs. It feels like I am going to faint. I do not even have a reason behind why this happens. There is no evident threat. It's just a class, that's what I am telling myself. I just want to get to a toilet cubicle, cry, and be hugged by someone who loves me.

Heck,  based on the amount of reading I do about the condition, deep down I know, that at most it lasts 15-20 mins. After that the body normalizes. I've read about the amygdala; about excessive adrenaline production, how the body is detecting a false alarm. I have people around me who care about me. People from miles away. New faces who for some reason had not run away at the sight of me. Things to be laughing at. Things to be grateful for.

Yet, at that point of time when it's happening, the mind  COMPLETELY blanked out of optimism. Whatever energy I have left is focused on getting out of the classroom without causing a scene. Ironically, it imagines the worst case scenarios . The stares which get just a little bit longer. The lecturer who might be annoyed at me standing up. The people (whether they exist or not) judging my sense of style, thinking I'm a snob or a weirdo--maybe both. The laughs I might get at how I cannot even sit through a one hour class without needing to be babysat. How everyone is looking in front, typing things on their laptop or taking notes down but I cannot even write legible sentences because my hands are shaking and my writing looks horrendous on my book. It thinks about the people from my past. About the exam in January and how the exam hall will be packed with so many people. I dread thinking about that already.  About stupid decisions I've made in which I was wrong. The sorrys I did not say, the sorrys I did not get. How the gum I am chewing on like it's the last thing I'll ever eat is losing its flavour; congruent with how much longer I have to stay upright. My legs start moving faster while I'm in my seat. 'Oh no, am I going to be annoying the person who is sitting behind me? He probably thinks I am an air-headed lunatic who should not even be doing law.'

I tried this time, to get my thoughts and words as close to the actual sensation. But the reality is that these thoughts move through my head faster than you'd be able to read that comfortably. Couple that with a stuffy surrounding, I guess, it's... in a word, ...difficult.

But who am I to complain. I do not want to be a victim. I want to grab it by the neck and vapourize it with the strength in my fists. But I'm not a strong girl .

This has been an informative and explanatory post.