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Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Matthew 25;

Jesus Calms the Storm: (Matthew)
25The disciples went and woke Him, saying, “Lord, save us! We are perishing!” 26“You of little faith, Jesus replied, “why are you so afraid?” Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and it was perfectly calm. 27The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the sea obey Him!”…

Sometimes I just need to give up, throw my hands in the air, and trust that God will show me a way . Everytime I feel lost or like things will all WRAP itself around me then dissolve me in its vacuole, I just have to trust in that higher being and take that step . It is definitely something I cannot do all the time but in time , I'd reach that level where if Jesus asked me to take his hand and walk on the roaring ocean I might just do it. (?)

Thank you to those who did not leave my side, it brings tears to my eyes , the gratitude I feel from having your continued presence there. Prayers mean everything. Thoughts. Words. Attempts to reach out. I know that I suck because I back away from everyone or everything for a bit then wait for who will call me back. Those who stick with me long enough know that. Not morally justified, but it's been a constant feature of me .

It sucks when theres an unquenchable THIRST to be understood, yet, a complete HATE for being fully known AT THE SAME TIME. Y'know what I mean? See. I'd be happy if you do know, but a bit sad if you did not know.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Friendships and possibilities.

The truth is, having friends only means you're setting yourself up for a heartache. Don't get me wrong, I take my friendships seriously enough that it's almost like falling in love. They own a piece of me, whether I consciously give it away or not. But with all close relationships/squads/secret sharing comes a vulnerability. There comes a possibility.

The possibility that they may one day NOT want to hang out without you and 'white lie' to you telling you they are busy but be hanging out together.

The possibility that one day you'll hear something mean they said about you which they could not tell you to your face.

The possibility that the secrets you told them get leaked out to people who don't even know you that well.

The possibility that they repeatedly belittle or make fun of your core beliefs , values or interests in the name of mindless banter ; 'If I was not your close friend I would not act that way towards you'

The possibility that you'll be left out of someone's important secret because you have not reached the level of intimacy to be knowing these stories. Which makes you wonder about your value to someone--how dispensable you are.

The possibility that something you're doing this very instant could be annoying but it gets swept under the carpet till one day it explodes on your face.

The possibility that you'll grow apart from someone because of time and distance, and you just won't feel that warm settling feeling of feeling connected to someone on a deeper level--you won't be able to explain its source, nor what you should do next--so the next best move is to walk away and see if anyone calls after you.

The possibility that the same people who tell you they will be there for you, ask you to call anytime or any hour, slowly lose interest in things which make you sad, just when you wanted to belief that empathy did not have an expiration date.

The possibility that your connection turns out great but then you might be too clingy onto your newfound comfort zone that you don't know how to survive without it.

Sometimes I wish I could get over things fast , but these thoughts seep into my very roots, and sediments there. I'd trust someone to come wash it off, but there's a possibility that they may do those exact things which leaves me worse off . I'm trying to learn how to love my own company , but I'm never truly alone because these thoughts ring in my head in my own voice at full volume.

It's a pathetic way to live, to always play 'victim'. Still, I've been hard on myself more than anyone, so even I know that it's okay to fall down, be sad about it and get back up eventually. I can only hope those around know that sometimes when I zone out, turn cold, this is one explanation why. More than anything , I hope the period when I'm down and hurt about it gets fast-forwarded .