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Monday, January 23, 2017

Throwback to turning twenty one.

Sometimes I wonder what I mean to people. What role I play in their life. What significant difference it would bring if I just backed out of theirs. It's a good feeling to be valued, and I'm unashamed to admit. It also takes conscious effort to stand out among mediocre friends. An effort I willingly put in, just so I won't be a fading name or face. In that regard, it's also become increasingly awkward to show someone just how much they are valued these days.

With sexuality being an increasingly fluid concept, the line between romantic and platonic can be very easily blurred. That's exactly why birthdays mean so much. It's when you can be all sappy and get away with it. I always viewed turning 21 as, a big deal. Because it's the age of partying, recklessness within limits, sex, relationships, adulthood, driving, planning early stages of career, graduation, etc. Disappointingly, I've come to realise how a lot of these things terrify me and that nothing was supposed to have 'already happened' by 21 like a deadline. Some take longer to adult and that's okay. At least that's what I tell myself.

The older I get the more I feel that valuable things don't come with price tags. If you think about it, it's some of the most simple gestures, such as, a card, a video, a photo album, or a genuinely written letter. I don't think it's a secret how much I love writing. But, having someone write TO ME, now--that's a bombshell.  In fact, I value them so much that I don't even touch cards or letters I receive that much . Because they wrote that letter having in mind that I like these things.

I was just revisiting my 21st birthday photots. It was a very nice one for me (though I can't say that the day had the same effect for everyone) and it really opened my eyes as to who would go the extra mile for me. I appreciate everyone who made an effort to make it a nice day. I have never had a 'surprise' birthday party  thrown for me so I definitely feel blessed.

(some gifts ended up being consumed, oops)

 Thank you guys, for allowing this to happen . Much love. <3 and="" br="" gratitude.="" much="" of="" so="">

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Embracing conflict .

I seriously doubt there's anything more unsettling than people who tell you "It's fine", "Don't worry about it", "It's okay, nevermind " when you can feel with every fibre in your being that it's NOT okay and it will explode in your face someday when you least expect it.

Too many people want honesty from others but don't want to reciprocate, just to avoid conflict or confrontation. I, on the other hand, take great pleasure in tweezing out every uncomfortable splinter; while doing my best to set rationality and emotions apart. Makes me feel like I'm getting down to the bottom of something. Makes me feel like I have control. It annoys people that I use my mildly-robotic-neutral-absolutely-unperturbed tone of voice which makes the other person look stupid for losing their cool and physically turning red from anger .

Amelia - 1, Opponent- 0. ;)

How does someone become so condescending without even trying?

Anyway. The longer you know someone, the more you let that mask of politeness, compromise and formality slip away, and the more conflicts arise. It's just part and parcel of a relationship with someone--be it your family, friends or lover. Just embrace it and have the balls to settle it already.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

2017- Ushering in changes.

Sometimes, it feels like there is a void within which cannot be filled with anything. The things which used to make me comfortable or happy ceased its therapeutic effect. I described this restlessness to a couple of people I consider close to me but the most creative response I received was probably ;

"Do you think you need a boyfriend, then?"
-- Will, with a cheeky smile, and in (complete ?) innocence.

But is it because I cannot be pacified , or because I'm growing up and just have to find new things which work for me? I'd like to think it's the latter.

Everyone wants in on the privileges but nobody wants to put in the work at home. But my eldest sister told me something, and it rings in my head till today whenever I feel like I'm going the extra mile, "You're doing it for yourself. So that you can be happy." THESE words are the reason why I invest in 5 pound toilet paper or a 7 pound bath mat or take out the trash , or clean up the kitchen stove-- honestly sucking it up and doing the damn chore is a lot better than an uncomfortable confrontation with people I have to cohabit with. They might not be bad people. Maybe just very ignorant or selfish at times.

It's not like I am a saint because sometimes I do have guests over and we laugh so loud at odd hours over jokes which are so lame that even we cringe. It's all part of the experience though, innit?

You know what else is? Winter.
I did not go as far as to build a snowman and name it (which if I did, would be named Nat King Cold), but I did get a short video of the whole thing, and maybe a picture holding an ice ball.

What else is new for 2017?
Well there's the fact that I've been  trying to eat healthy for the year as part of my physical, spiritual, emotional and mental health betterment .

 (P/S: these are raw, turned out alright after coming out from the oven)

 Been very bummed about weight gain (5 kgs, don't play k) because lord knows how hard I worked to stay in shape back home. It's a trigger on so many personal levels and it feels like I'm disappointing everyone who I inspired. Ironically, I'm also the most happy and content I've been with my life in a long time . It's like the universe is throwing me all the reasons to be happy and grateful and I'm there like .. "....nope."

In a drastic move, I've given up red meat-- although my dad thinks it is because of beauty purposes ; "Pa, beauty all can come later la". But if something was this important, the natural conclusion is to work on it and not whine and moan about the situation. I feel very enlightened about so many issues concerning food and environment which I never would have given a second to think about back at home. Thirteen days into the year and I've been doing alright.

You know what else is good for health? Surrounding myself with such uplifting and positive people. A lot of times I wonder where would I be without them around. My parents would be so happy with all of them. Our extremely delayed secret santa took place when all of us got reunited again.
Damn my friends can cook.

 Shoutout to Kiran who got me this extremely precious dress--it's just my type . Made me feel like a woman. <3 nbsp="" p="">
So damn thoughtful of her!

I also attempted to bake a cake , which did not turn out too bad given the first attempt. Feels like I'm getting intense mom training with Sindu. 

Have I got my 'mom look' on fleek, or..?

I've also been enthusiastic about learning songs on my ukulele, experimenting with new recipes(part of being healthier is cooking my own meals which is a win-win because going outside in winter is SUCH a put off). I want to learn how to do headstands. I want to take more pictures of places I plan to visit. I want to take more videos--because honestly that's all I'll have left once I go back to Malaysia.

Which, if you think about it , is soon. :/ #mixedfeelings. All in all, this is the year where, I no longer tell myself to get everything perfect because honestly that's a very destructive way to live. This is my year to allow myself leeway to fail. To try. To LIVE. To get out of my comfort zone.

Thanks for reading this pathetic excuse of an update . I know I used to be more opinionated about more things but at least it is not a sad post! :)