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Monday, April 17, 2017

Scratched glasses aren't pretty.

There are only so many songs I can play on the ukulele, so many new movies to watch, so many recipes, so many home workouts, and words I type to complete my assignment before everything loses its spark or significance. I am trying to deal with this emotional turmoil with as limited outside intervention as possible. It's Easter break over here and while everyone has someone to go to or a place to turn to to tickle their imagination fancies, I sit in a tiny room typing words to express my feelings, accompanied only by the sound of pin drop silence and pitch black darkness outside. The extra hours of daylight is great and everything but when night falls it's quiet. ...Too quiet.

A lengthy video call with my sister helped a lot but it opened my eyes to what an unconventional family I have -- or maybe it must be an Asian thing ; love is hardly expressed in words and it's painfully awkward to do. It's a wrong time to be homesick but I've fallen into that trap. (uh oh)

To make matters worse, Somehow I've managed to do it again. Except when the same thing happens repeatedly, it cannot be an external cause , it must be something internal.

I lost/ (am losing?) the moon while counting the stars. But tell me this, don't the moon and stars both complement the beauty and wholeness of the night sky? What would the sky do if it had to choose? It's a painful feeling to cause your own downfall. To unconsciously take people for granted. But don't people deserve to be un-apologetically themselves ? What if by doing so, it hurts others? Do you stand true to yourself or do you change so you don't hurt others ?

It comes down to a degree of how much this person matters. If they matter enough, you would change. Except, I don't know if I CAN change. What if I have become permanently altered this way? What if I've unconsciously made  a band aid, a source of entertainment, an accomplice for crazy plans, an inspiration and feelings of home stem from one source; that I tend to heavily depend on it first before anything else? In that sense, I've screwed up bigtime--because in the process I've neglected many great people whom now don't know where they stand in my life.

There are some damages which are so magnanimous ; I would not even know where to start to repair. An apology is a start, but it's too little. An elaborate letter to explain myself would only seem like justifying my behaviour. Not doing anything to give space seems nonchalant. (Which is far from truth, because I feel deeply affected--it's like a part of me I cannot get back is crumbling before my eyes.)

Maybe it's a straightforward solution, just value more people in your life or else you don't get to complain when they back out. I can do that, I just feel shitty about what I have already done that's all. I've left a scratch in a valuable glass. It can't disappear but it's the starting point of the shattering of that glass. And god forbid, I'd lose it if the glass completely shatters. I'm sorry .