AMELIAN MEMARIES.

Pomplamoose

2012-02-05T23:47:00.005+08:00

Morph Ginnifer Goodwin and Rachel Cook?

Get Charlotte Riley.

"If you think you need some money well honey that's just funny cause I've got none."

typically my taste. ♥

I am so in love with Pomplamoose. I want to see them live. And I've never had the desire to meet anyone live, not even Mark Indelicato.

I have a strange habit of dancing on my computer chair when I'm listening to a song I like. I'm not talking about finger or leg tapping, It's like this. While I sit.

Even to songs that you cannot dance to, like Jazz. Pomplamoose's songs often becomes the music of choice. If they could see me through the screen I might just die from embarrassment.

so the big question:

Has pomplamoose been depriving me of study time because of it's awesomeness?

the answer is yes.

...I think I might have the biggest girl crush on Nataly. Lead singer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDGFrP4NgI&feature=relmfu

I am my worst enemy.

2012-01-25T17:22:00.005+08:00

Morph Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Channing Tatum?

Get Tom Hardy.

Okay, one of my IN-accurate ones. Even I don't so agree with this morph, but when I first made it I did, and I hope someday when I view this again I'll see what I saw for the first time.

********

As of today, it just hit me that I'm an SPM candidate. I'm not gonna lie. SPM scares me (more than I expected) . And yet not enough to make me start on revisions diligently. It's not the end of the world, I know that. Many have sat through it and came out alive. Where am I getting at?

Picture this.

MARCH 2013, SMKBJ Hall--Me, walking towards the table where I get my SPM results. And it's not straight A's I'm looking at.

My world ends? I curl up in a fetal position and never leave my room? HECK NO.

Could I have done something about it? SO MUCH. But if that means I had needed to do things against my will and sacrifice all things I find fun, then I wouldn't have done things any differently.

Warning: paragraph below might be result of alter-ego possessing the keyboard. What's thldsksdfl; happendfslgbing?

Thing about me is that I love doing everything my way at my time. So, pretty much NOTHING/ NOBODY negatively affects me when they attempt to mock me for a plan gone wrong. It's just like aiming for the best, not doing enough, then eventually not reaching the target. I mean, you'd think that constantly echoing my mistakes would do SOMETHING to my conscience, but nahh. Nothing more than annoy the eardrums out of me.

It's because the mistakes that I made were made out of MY fault, and every consequence was well thought of but I carried on making them anyway. Knowing that it was an un-influenced decision and that it was self inflicted helps me get over things fast.

LONG TERM = HAPPINESS. :D

But now I'm thinking, my memory sucks. (I told my mom to by Brands Chicken Essence for me. Tak Jadi.) I don't even remember chapter's names. I spend all the free time I have online. I don't even pay much attention in school. I joined many clubs which deprive me off sleep.

Even for Miss thick-skinned-diva, that's really, really something to be worried about. What happened Amelia? You weren't always like this. Do something good for yourself. Something's gotta be important in your life anymore. Please make that something SPM.

10 months more.

2012-01-24T17:01:00.004+08:00

Morph Neil Patrick Harris and Julian Bassange?

Get Paul Bettany.

I have thoughts about the school that will get me EITHER positive feed backs like secret standing ovations for those who agree, OR negative ones, like eye-rolls from people I don't know, or being fired as a librarian..

or worse..

expelled.

.. everybody applaud the Harry Potter reference now.

Basically I have many STRONG opinions on so many new changes/rules inflicted upon people to make their lives more "selesa". I don't even need to open my mouth.

I just need to get a picture of the back of the new discipline card we need to buy.

Or I could sneak you into my school bag for you to witness the morning assembly.

And, I figured, since I've already managed to sneak you into the morning assembly, why not into one of those talks about discipline?

I get it. Ultimately it's to fulfill the mission of the education ministry.

" Membangun Potensi Individu Melalui Pendidikan Berkualiti "

unnecessary military like discipline system that finds it's way to punish for any attempt to have fun because school is a place to study and study alone and even for thinking otherwise you get punished or sent to another school = awakening of my potential?

extremely long winded elaborations during speeches that gives people leg cramps = quality education?

Perfect sense.

Personally, I think more harm is done, because the students who were previously good angels (like me, cheh) might turn into rebels. Not that I'm going to be one.

It makes people angry, constantly in fear about what's going to be snatched away next, gets you talked about behind your back (who are your real friend's anymore, WHO? *pun intended*) , makes even the sound of your voice annoying, (because every time the same matter is discussed, or rather shouted about) and many other devastating social effects more.

EH DON'T TWIST MY WORDS. LEMME GET THINGS STRAIGHT.

This isn't directed to anybody, neither is it a hate message, or is it supposed to offend anyone. If people cannot be open minded enough to accept my opinion (think of it as constructive criticism) then it's bye bye wawasan 2020

I never, EVER claimed to have hated school, I was school's number one fan. In fact, even now I don't hate it, but the love has severely decreased. What's changed now, is just how I'm not school's number 1 fan anymore.It upsets me that this place is no longer the place I knew it as when I first entered in 2008. I thought I was going to leave school with some of the most fondest of memories, and smiles. I'm afraid the time for creating those fond memories ended in 2009.

The only thing that get's me through is just the thought of;

10 months more. 10 months more. 10 months more.

..and to those who do stay here after those 10 months, I heard the big boss is gonna change. :D Let's hope it's for the better.

P/S: I'm not a spoilt brat who cannot be told no to, or isn't used to rules. I'm perfectly aware of it's necessity.

Taken over by the fear.

2012-01-16T01:08:00.004+08:00

Morph Adam Rodriguez and Kevin Mchale?

Get Nick Adams.
Kindergarten. Primary School. High School. College. Work. Marry. Retire. Die.

Why are things so planned out? I hate that it is. I hate the question, "what's next?" Like, I'm already supposed to know everything. I am very comfortable with my future being the future. The thrill of not knowing what's to come.

Why do people get frowned upon for wanting to take a one-year break, and do NOTHING. Just live. Travel. It doesn't have to be as drastic as Paris. I'll start small. Langkawi. Sabah. Then Singapore. Get a million pictures. Get someone who can actually bear with me enough to join me with my adventures.

And that's my dream, actually. More than all the success in the world, I want to be able to die with contentment. To say that I've lived it, rather than just be a part of a pre-planned sequence I'm expected to follow.

At the same time, I'm being consumed by fear. My biggest fear. (no not insects, that's second.) Death. You know, with the world ending in 2012 and all. ...Yes, a part of me believes it, and it scares me. The world ending would mean that whoever is responsible for it is like a merciless thief, snatching my dreams away. I think of the face of the person I'll dedicate all my corny songs to, the face of my first son, the job I'll end up with, The house I'll live in. The killer body I'll have (after hours in the gym), the people that will still remember me.

ALL OF WHICH I WONT GET TO SEE. The thought of the world ending before I can fulfill it all kills me. And if it really does end this year, I wont even get to see my SPM CERT! :O what is the worth of all the years of school if I don't even have written proof that I've completed it?

These things motivate me to live life to the fullest, really. That's why I love trying everything, no matter how ridiculous. Becoming a cheerleader. Just that extra scoop of ice cream. Skipping down the school corridors. Eating frog soup. (okay no I haven't done that one.) Wearing my librarian skirt to church. Not hating. You get the idea. It's not because I have a disorder or that I'm an attention seeking freak.

Here, have a nice and relevant song.

My theory of the way we're wired.

2012-01-15T02:04:00.006+08:00

Morph Edddie Cibrain and Orlando Bloom?

Get Matt Bomer.

A lot of things from the past can explain a lot of things about me now. These events shaped the person I am. Similarly, events that happen today will most likely shape who I'll be in years to come. I'd love to believe that I'm the opposite of vulnerable, that I'm the single most uninfluenced person I know of, but that would be a lie.

Truthfully, I believe in destiny. That some of the most important things to happen to us, in the future, are pre-existent drafts written out for everyone, and we're just living them out as planned. Of course, things like whether we skip dinner tomorrow aren't what I'm meaning. Anyway, this is the part we don't get to control.

But also, I believe in something rather...contrasting, which is karma. That things which happen are a result of what we've done to someone else. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. This (to me,) is the one thing that interferes with destiny. THIS, is the part we control.

Simply put, my theory is that our life is a clever union of destiny and karma. And there's a force out there, that's controlling it. A force, that some refer to as God.

Ah well it's just a theory.

It's 2:24 am in the morning, and this is just one of the many thoughts that decides to conveniently dance around in my mind , not letting me get some piece of mind, hence = no sleep. I figured that sharing them out would yank the thought out. *it's thoughts like these, that will fill my diary this year.

I am finding lesser need for this blog. It's like the moment when a little girl starts spending less time with her imaginary friend, because she's finally socially acceptable enough to make real friends, then her imaginary friend slowly starts fading away and eventually becomes forgotten. (why does this sound like the movie paper man?) Or like when a boy abandons his action figures for video games.

10 reasons I love Merlin.

2012-01-14T23:00:00.002+08:00

Morph Ashton Kutcher and Ian Harding..?

Get Collin Morgan.

Seriously, tho. These people look somewhat alike I'm telling you!

So I'm kinda addicted to Merlin.

How it started: Randomly browsing through channels during the holidays out of boredom, and coming across a nice episode, and then later, routinely. (by coincidence) .

But being me, my soul cannot be at peace until I follow a series from START to END. So that's what I did, online. Didn't take long to make this list.

1. The theme song.

I love it so much because it's so.. ancient battlefield-ish. When I hear it, It makes me feel like the whole world is depending on me for something and I'm riding a horse to fulfill my destiny.

2. The way the show starts. It doesn't go like ;

"Previously, on _______ "

but instead;

"In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name... *whisper* Merlin." And believe me, I didn't have to google to find the exact words. That's how much I've heard it. It's like this man is telling a story, and I love things being narrated.

3. Short seasons;
Each season has only 13 episodes, so I didn't have to spend months trying to finish seasons. Short seasons = stories that go straight to the point.

4. Prince Arthur. (Bradley James)

I don't find a lot of white men attractive, (my taste leans more to the darker side, haha!) but this would be an exception. I loved watching him transition into a fine king, from what he was in the first episode. I love the dilemmas he's faced with in almost every episode, and how he choses to solve it *with Merlin's help, duhh* but most importantly, his accent.

so.. BRIT-USH.

4. Morgana. (Katie McGrath)

She captures the essence of evil so well. We are actually shown WHY she became the person she is-- evil, (and it's a rational explanation but that's for you to watch and find out.) Occasionally she looks really good, especially in the fourth season, and who doesn't want some eye-candy...?

5. The name Pendragon.

I love saying the name; "UTHER PENDRAGON" in a dramatic raged tone with a strong british accent. I say it a lot. My dad teases it and makes it sound like an indian name; "Utthapan Raghan." HAHA. But because it's so rare and no longer in use in today's world, it's so beautiful to hear. No? ..maybe it's just me.

6. Nice names.

You are not allowed to judge but from the show I found most of my future child's names. Like, in episodes, some character with a really rare magical name comes and I just light up in awe. For SIX YEARS I was so set on naming my son "Aaron." But now, my mind is fixed on "Aleon/Alyean" (You need to pronounce it as EL-LE-UN.) Dorothy, who has a habit of making things I say sound ridiculous heard; "ALIEN." And 'Gaius' is a beautiful name too, I'm naming my future pet that.

7. The secret.

Camelot forbids the use of magic, and Merlin, who's destiny is to protect Arthur obviously has magic, so it's really exciting to see HOW the secret is revealed. Because so many times, he has to sacrifice great things to hide the secret, and soo many times, Merlin goes through so much to protect Arthur, and he doesn't even KNOW it.

8. Very varying episodes.

It's rarely a continuing episode each time. Each episode is different, and ends with me feeling bad for Merlin or loving Gwen's character. Which brings me to 9.

9. Guinevere.

See? ANOTHER cool name, if said with a thick Brit accent. If I were a character I'd be her. She's wise, and good looking (if you minus the dirt on her face from her being a servant). I love her interaction with Arthur, and with Merlin, and her forgiving nature. A lot of times I feel like her, but you wont understand even if I explained it to you.

10. THE BROMANCE.

Helen you gave me the precise word I was looking for. Who else. Merlin and Arthur.

Here's a very accurate description of how things go. Does this list make you wanna watch?

**********

*******

THERE. I've wanted to post this for so long.

School of 12'.

2012-01-08T23:32:00.000+08:00

Morph John Allen and Daniel Craig?

Get Anthony Head.

And so began the first week of high school.

And I remembered everything about it.

The big smile on my face when I took a breath of high school ,
slightly skipping down the slope,
constantly glancing on my hand thing and keeping it hidden from *ehem*,
and then sitting in the line on the most right, looking at the line of form ones,
and feeling all nostalgic and emotional.

Seeing Melia's smile and singing with a weird accent; 'OH MY MELIAAAA..', Only to have her reply back the exact same thing.

Hearing Xing Jun be stressed up about teacher asking a question that she can't find the answers to, fast enough.

Bearing with Calvin brag about the greatness of his height,

Marveling at the confidence of 'the english teacher' (WHO FORGOT MY NAME! mygod.)

Surprising myself with the fact that I was actually doing BM homework.

Panicking at not finishing a pakej.

Worrying about not having enough cash to pay for all the new additional things required, like the discipline card, nilam book, etc.

Being depressed over the drifting apart process which increases in impact each year.

Delighting in the new plates in the canteen.

..Not only have I gotten really busy and drained out of energy, but I bought me an overpriced diary. And the staying-backs have begin. And I actually WANT tuition this year.

I never thought this day would come, but I think--I fear; this blog is going to be ~~abandoned~~ drastically less updated.

2012. The last new year? let's see.

2012-01-01T14:40:00.007+08:00

Morph Vanessa Lengies and Jennete Mccurdy?
Get Drew Ryniewicks
Happy New Year everybody.

Pejam celik, pejam celik, and a whole year has passed.

I cannot summarize 2011 in ONE post, but long story short, I didn't really like 11', and I've seen better years.

Hypothesis; The older I get, the more depressing life becomes.

So, 2012. TWO.ZERO.ONE.TWO.

It's the year I sit for SPM. Personally, it doesn't make things more stressful or scary. Just, exciting. It's like I'm looking forward to it instead of wanting it to be quickly done with OR wishing for it to be delayed OR rewinding time to still have a year left. It's the right amount of thrill I need in my life.

What scares me (so scary I can get mild heart attacks just thinking about it) , is falling seriously ill. My mind is unable to drift from that image of the poor boy from my school who was in so much of pain (gastric) on PMR day. I was sitting for my final exams in the class directly opposite him and being near the window, I got a perfect view. Teachers were surrounding him, he was on the floor, clutching his stomach and obviously in pain. And he MISSED his exam!

BAPAK SCARY, OKEYH.

What if it happened to someone on SPM? What if that someone was ME?

Forget gastric, even the regular sickness like the flu is horrendous. I keep thinking about having a runny nose, which would then deter me from bending down to look at my paper comfortably, and that would make me so uncomfortable that it messes with my writing ability. Or I have a really dry throat, and I've finished drinking all my water so I cough and cough and disturb other people's peace during their exam and I screw up my own because I'm in so much discomfort.

OR, I break some bones and I have to spend time in the hospital. :O Or WHAT IF, I get into that whole faint-y trance again?? and this time nobody will help me because everyone else will be doing their exam! :O Or getting a paper cut on my right hand during the exam, which makes writing become painful.

I'll say it now, loud and proud;
I'm not expecting straight A's. ~~Because I want GAY A'S.~~
I'll be perfectly content with 6A's.

..but it's not like I WANT it that way, I'm just saying it won't be the end of the world. I would have done myself proud, if I'm doing it for me. The parents? that's a different story. It's almost as if they take it for granted that I'm going to do well. Then again, don't all parents?

Anyway, I'd like to offer a bigggg comforting internet hug to the few loyal readers of my currently five year old blog. The views for last year didn't reach the target but heck I'm not complaining! :D

So here's a new counter,

and here's me hoping for a good new year.

I can't list down my resolutions because they're so simple and achievable, they are more like my "To-Do List." I sure hope I save up enough to buy myself a cheapskate camera so I can document everything about my FINAL YEAR OF SCHOOL without needing to burden people for it.

END OF THE WORLD?

BRING IT.

ABC.

2011-12-26T21:43:00.007+08:00

You don't have to be an avid follower of my blog to know I have a habit of finding people that look like other people. It's not a habit by choice. It's more like, I can't help it. It's often that I see someone and recognize someone else's face in theirs.

But putting pictures of these faces together would be so unoriginal because there's already a site meant for that. So, I decided to come up with my version, combining two people that look like a third person.

More often than not, it works, but sometimes, a person looks so much like just that other one , that you don't need any combining with the second person to happen. See? no "B" required.However, like I said, totally not original. *No me gusta. * So for hours, I spend time trying to find the SECOND person they look like. (The "B", if you refer to the diagram.) If you take a careful look at some of my combos, you'd notice that there'll always be one out of the two people that looks more like the product.

But these people, they look too much alike for me to find a "B". I don't even want to try.

Paul Campbell and Scott Porter.

A young John Stamos and Zac Efron.

Brad Pitt and Travis Fimmel.

Lily Allen and Natasha Khan.

*..comes naturally, it comes naturally! bay-bay-bay-bay-bee. *

I guess you can call it a little christmas prezzie from me, HAHA. (What, you don't like seeing famous people looking like other famous people?)

Okay NO, I haven't found a purpose for the 'gift' yet, but it's handy for identifying people who attempt to rape me in the dark, or people who thought they could get away with some crime like robbing the supermarket near my house (and be stupid enough to not wear a mask while at it).

So be warned. ;D

I said I wouldn't wish anyone merry christmas but it was an epic fail. Brenda made my christmas actually. Makaseh, yeh?

Cue loud gasps.

2011-12-23T09:36:00.000+08:00

I was watching Hitz TV the other day, because there was nothing better to do, when suddenly, I heard one of those songs of my 2009. (It was a great year for me, and I love everything that reminds me of it. ) It was 'Daniel' by Bat For Lashes. I clearly remember how I loved the weirdness of the song. When I first heard it I used to listen to it EVERY TIME I went online.

Note: this was before I became a Lily Allen ~~obsessed~~ fan and didn't have time to listen to anything else anymore.

Speaking of which, this lady's level of physical attractiveness has suddenly skyrocketed to me. I mean, I was never a fan for her beauty or anything, (And I'm rarely anyone's fan for beauty) but this just gives me another reason to do anything it takes to meet this person alive and get a picture before I die.

So back to the story. When I heard this 'Daniel' song again, I noticed something different, something I hadn't noticed before. Something jaw-dropping.

The singer, ....Natasha Khan? LOOKS LIKE LILY ALLEN.

So I did the most "me" thing imaginable. Enjoy. :D

Now this last picture HAD to have been deliberately mimicked because there's no way she could have suddenly thought of doing the exact pose.

The POINT IS,

Considering the fact that I liked Natasha's voice and I knew of her before Lily Allen (I can only assume, because I've got horrible memory)

I think when I first heard of/saw Lily Allen, I must have thought that she was the same person from BFL, and remembering how I loved Daniel subconsciously made me an instant fan. But then I remember talking to Kelly about Lily Allen, and I was close to Kelly only in 2008. Before I heard of 'Daniel'. So that screws up the theory. Or it could be that my memory sucks.

*sighh* That awkward moment when your music goddess looks like that other singer whose voice you like.

P/S; While composing this I've replayed 'Daniel' countless times. And if it makes you think of Elton John, you need to know they are two completely different songs.

A -LEO-ne.

2011-12-22T06:36:00.000+08:00

Morph Selena Gomez and Nina Dobrev?

Get a young Rachel Cook.

That is it. My system is screwed. It doesn't take a doctor to tell you sleeping at 9 am and waking up at 8 pm is unhealthy. What's more, is when your body is actually becoming used to that pattern, until any other time is foreign to it. I know mine is.

Three good things have come out of it though, the first it's that my food intake is significantly reduced. The second, I've been catching up with Becky and recently had one of the most refreshing conversations in a long time. The third, is that I can watch all my series' in pin drop silence.

******

Speaking of which, I like Jake Johnson from New Girl. Alot. :D

*le swoon*

--and I've been watching Merlin from S1E1.

*****

hee :D

Since my whole holidays have been spent catching up on series' , I must say that the highlight of it all was last Friday. I spent the 16th doing something out of the ordinary. You can call it a gig? except we were payed with grand chinese food.

And by "we" I mean we (:

Don't laugh.

Me, Xing Jun and Foo Shen we were offered free food if we performed something, and considering how we made the lame 'Tanda' song for the closing ceremony of 'Bulan Bahasa' in a day and impressed quite a few teachers, we decided to do a singing performance. Practices were initially for Miss Allen's The Fear but last minute plans diverged us to be set on this self made mash-up of "Secrets" by One Republic and 5 other songs, WITHIN HOURS before the event.

TALK ABOUT " AHHHHH! "

I guess I was enthusiastic about going because I wanted to meet new people, and make some random friend that I was hoping to contact online for years after our meeting. I was in that social spirit, all geared up to have an exciting day.

Little did I know, I was in for a disappointment.

Now believe me when I say this, and I swear I am not exaggerating, but I was among the only 5 indians in the whole building, which could have contained more than thousands of people (there were two floors), and four of them were old men. Now I wouldn't have minded it, in fact it would have been exciting, but these were people that don't speak much english. And it's a charity dinner, so 90% of the people there were rich families with really young children. I felt so odd and out of place.

And, I was really, really cold. Up to the point where it was difficult to speak without a shivery voice. Conveniently, I wore a sleeveless dress to be all girly and stuff. And my fats, they were nothing more than decoration, because they didn't serve it's purpose! ;O Xing Jun felt the same way too, and she was such a darling for constantly hugging and scrubbing my arms to create heat.

--that would be us, freaking out at not memorizing lyrics and exchanging body heat.

But, to avoid looking like desperadoes who came to cari makan only , we had to perform. So, as socially awkward and lost as I was, I found the guts to step up that stage without fainting. Though I did, warn Xing Jun a few times before the performance that I felt giddy. She was so motherly, always sneaking glances and watching out for my condition.

Check out the killer freaking-out-but-trying-to-be-calm-face.

Honestly, it was nerve wrecking, not only because of the HUUUUUUUUUGEEEEE audience that we were supposed to make an impression on, but I kept forgetting lyrics FROM A FREAKING LILY ALLEN SONG. Being a fan, it's shameful. *dramatically hides face in shame*

OH AND GUESS WHAT. The mike for Foo Shen's guitar conveniently malfunctioned throughout the performance. Every ounce of panic and fear in my voice was amplified by the six speakers in the room. Kenneth said Xing Jun's voice cracked towards the end. If that happened to me, I could have just.....died.

I didn't dare look at anyone apart from the V.I.P table throughout the time, so I didn't see people's responses, but Xing Jun told me 40% of the people clapped, which was good enough, considering how many totally ignored the hired professional chinese orchestra people.

I couldn't really enjoy my dinner, because of the lack of appetite (fear is a bitch.), and not wanting to risk over-eating and fainting. "Lucky" me, our performance was the last. So, it wasn't like a get-it-done-with-then-enjoy-meal thing. The only thing I truthfully enjoyed were the butter prawns. YUM. But I did get a lot of pictures to remember the day, and for that I thank Xing Jun.

I'm also grateful for the existence of Foo Shen for waiting an hour for me to arrive in the train station before walking with me to Xing Jun's house, cooking us lunch, forcing me to eat an apple to be healthy, and patiently playing the whole song on his guitar OVER, and OVER again until his fingers hurt during practices.

--a practice session in a secret room in the place.

My plan was to actually record one of my songs with these guys and sort of make a music video for it but it was raining and I was in dreamland for most of the time I was in her place. *What to do, so sleepy.* IT WILL HAPPEN some day, I shall make sure of it.

Anyway, things that I can conclude from that day is;

* I'm not a fan of salted eggs. At all.
* I don't like soup.
* I am dying to own a camera so I can blog and savor memories without needing to burden other people for it.
* I like the feeling of acceptance a lot.

♥ RAWWWRRRRR. ('Lions' , geddit?)

Television of my 11'.

2011-12-17T07:15:00.001+08:00

Morph Clea Lewis, and Joely Fisher?

Get Judy Greer.
Once upon a time those two people I just morphed were young. When they were young, they acted in a series which starred one of the most phenomenal beings in the world of comedy. (cheh)

I'm talking about Ellen Degeneres, from the TV series Ellen.

I initially just wanted to see the episode of her "coming out' , but ended up enjoying the entire 5 series', even skipping revision for a final exam to watch episodes. I was so in awe with the character Paige played by Joely Fisher. She was beyoootiful.

I can't help thinking how in the show, Ellen's best friend is Paige, and there's a person named Ellen Page. :D As much as my twisted mind wants to believe they are linked, Ellen Page was born way before the show was being produced. So no, it's highly unlikely that she was named after one of her parent's love for the show.

Oh guess what. Joely Fisher shares the same birth date as me! :D I was so happy to find out. MY favorite character. MY birth date. *squeals* On my 16th birthday, I spent my entire day watching "Ellen." That's when I knew that I was in for a serious heartache. As expected, the series ended because people were too homophobic. =.= For some time I felt some sort of emptiness, and in almost every book I read, I imagined Joely Fisher as the one of the hot characters in the book.

Now I am not going to attempt to convince you to watch it too, though episodes are available on youtube. (they might be taken down soon due to some copyright infringement or something,) BUT I am however, going to show you a scene from my favorite episode, S5E3-Roomates.

They're pretending to be lovers, to get rid of this other person. HAHA. Real nice episode, because if you follow from S1, she had a hard time dealing with Ellen's 'coming out'.

Fun fact: This show was made before I was even born. I hate that it ended abruptly, without a proper closure. Anyway, I believe this is like the point where I started watching a lot of 90's movies after that. I lovez.

For now, let us review the things I've started watching/continued watching (if not already cancelled or ended) for this year alone (ALL ONLINE FTW!) and start calculating how many years these would have eaten up of my life if the total time was combined.

Throw in a couple of ANTMs, The Tyra Banks Show, CSIs (all 3 cities) , Phineas and Ferb, (eh I love this okay.) and a whole bunch of other things I cannot remember right now. Actually there are a lot more that I want to watch but I'm already many seasons overdue and some are 40 minutes per episode so it makes me lose my interest. The ideal series should be 20 minutes -ish per episode.

...God knows how much I can watch NEXT YEAR ;D

Nostalgia Overload.

2011-12-16T00:46:00.003+08:00

Morph Kristie Alley and Kathy Najimi ?

Get Jennifer Coolidge.

Sometimes, reading about how other people are happy with their life makes me happy too. In a way yes, I believe the ambiance of your surroundings can affect your mood.

Sad people arround you = eventually sad you.
Happy, positive people around you = happy you.

I'm going to a dinner in a restaurant later, (by later I mean 5:00pm) and I hope all goes well. I pray. It's been a dream of mine to sing one of Allen's. And Xing Jun is the perfect balance and match to my very raw, untrained, now constantly-cracking voice.

*****

It's so easy to be happy actually. Like today, oh wait yesterday-- I decided to revisit my past and read my entries from 2008 (they're in another blog) .... I totally cracked myself up. God, I cannot believe that in a month it's going to be five years since I was that person.

Almost every post had Stephanie. And Mark Indelicato. HAHA! I was just such a happy, nonchalant character that was much more open to sharing things about my day. (Gee, I wonder where that went.) I'm damn glad I was, because it provided me with some great entertainment yesterday.

I truly loved all the people that existed in my life then. Even if I didn't say it. People that I don't talk to as frequently now also, I greatly appreciate. Jia Yi. I read about how you blogged for me when I couldn't. I read about how I went to your house on my 13th birthday and made sushi-s. I read about Kelly's nosebleed which panicked me. I read about 11/9/08 , the NINE ELEVEN. The me-becoming-a-woman.I read about how I miserably failed at trying to create a "secret identity" for my crush because everyone kinda knew who he was. HECK. Even he did. *facepalm*

I found a song I had forgotten too, it was a song I loved so much, but since I haven't heard it in forever, hearing it again was like...

My god. Get me a tissue. Nostalgia overload. So I kinda liked it back all over again.

Yes, I listened to much more indon songs back then. Something about this girl in the video that draws me to not look anywhere else. She is not thaat hot or anything. I mean, if lust had a face it would look like hers. I can't quite explain.

Wahai dirimu, pemain cinta,
Penikmat nafsu dunia,
Walau dirimu, begitu indah,
..Maaf kau tak pantas bagiku.

I love the tune of this too much. How la, people so genius one.

The other side of me.

2011-12-13T23:49:00.000+08:00

Morph Channing Tatum and Kris Allen?

Get Freddie Prinze Jr.

You know, there's probably a reason why the word family isn't defined as "a group of species that exist in the same habitat." That's something else entirely, that's-- a population. (I think?) Instead, it's ;

"A primary social group consisting of parents and their offspring, the principal function of which is provision for its members."

And what are parents?

"A guardian, a protector, whose function is to act as a parent to; to raise and nurture."

A happy family;
One that eats together at a dinner table, while exchanging stories of their day without being judged about it, one where the mother greets her children with; "Good morning, honey!" (or whatever nickname it is, reserved for only the family to call because anyone else saying it would be awkward.) Perhaps, one where the elder brother/sister defends rather than inflicts misery upon, Maybe one where the father obliges to start a game of scrabble without being hinted at it, for the sake of restoring a peaceful Saturday morning ambiance. Home-made christmas cookies. Camping. Hot chocolates. Random/Surprise activities. Loudly singing along to a song that comes on the car radio until the car in the next lane stares. Photographs. How can I forget. Lots and lots of them. And it doesn't stop until there's a shot of probably ...every single emotion a human face is capable of displaying.

But maybe these are just ideas that are in my head, as result of the influence of the things I watch. (Sort of like, if someone was never exposed to dangerous things, they won't see things that are dangerous, as dangerous.)

*****

Most people tend to behave differently when they're with their family, and with their friends. Sometimes, it even seems like this one person is actually two totally different people. I'm no exception. In fact, I even have two official names to differentiate the home-me, and school-me. Not kidding. Does it contribute to being on the brink of having split personality? ...a little.

I believe it started when I was seven, my first year of primary school, when I first started making friends and realizing how I communicate with my friends are very different from the way I speak at home. How it takes a little more to seek acceptance. Throughout the years the differences between the person I am in these two places grew painfully apparent to myself, and now I cringe at the thought of my family and friends in the same building.

"....Macam mana, my wedding? :O"

It's a bit silly, that you could be living with someone in the same house all your life, and they don't know anything about the things that define you. I mean, my family hasn't read my blog, or any of my dramatic english essays, or know about anyone I've liked, don't know I sing or who my favorite singer is, my favorite brand, unaware of my love for Emma Stone, (or her existence to begin with) hasn't seen any of my online photos, etc. That's how much of me they're missing out on. But the thing is, I kinda prefer it that way. I don't want to be judged or told to change because they disapprove of the person I am.

Similarly, my friends don't know the things about me that only my family knows. It angers me when someone claims they know me inside out, because I am the only one who does. And so it happens. That lingering feeling of discontentment with my family because they...don't know me the way I expect to be known. There's nobody to blame, really.

For the sake of relevance to the earlier part of the post, THE BOTTOM LINE IS....forget the paragraph above about what a happy family should sound/look/feel like, it's too hollywood to be true. My ~~naked~~, uninfluenced mind tells me a happy family is when every member of a family is able to make those "two people" (mentioned earlier) comfortably exist as one, as nothing more than different attributes/ characters in one person rather than seeming like two completely different individuals. And to anyone who's already able to do that, just know that I am truly , undeniably, jealous of you.

So until I feel that the other side of me needs to be kept concealed, (because publicly being that part of myself becomes uncomfortable,) I don't think I can experience thorough bliss. I don't think there's hope of this happening in my family, but I will try my best to make it happen in the family that I will create in the future. :D

Waste of oxygen.

2011-12-09T15:56:00.002+08:00

I read a book about a diary of a little boy who's dying of leukemia.Ways To Live Forever, that's what it was called.I liked it. I loved the way the book ended, especially. There was a a specific part which I liked, which was, when he was listing down reasons to why kids get ill.

"God is like a big doctor. He makes people ill so's to make them better. It doesn't matter to God if you die, because you just go to heaven, which is where he lives anyway."

"We're perfect already. We don't need to learn anything else. Being ill is like a present. Like... like a Get-Into-Heaven-Free Card. "

But what i liked most was the chapter; "Why do we have to die anyway?". For the love of that book, I shall now proceed to write down the whole chapter.

*****

I can understand dying when it's old people. You wouldn't want to live forever. I read a book once where some people did and they didn't like it much.They just got bored and old and lonely and sad. And then there's practical things too. Like, if no one died and people kept getting born, the world would get fuller and fuller, until everyone would be standing on everyone else's heads, and we'd all have to live underwater, or on Mars, and even then there wouldn't be enough room, probably.

I know all that.

But it doesn't explain why kids have to die.

Granny says looking like that is all wrong. She says dying is like caterpillars turning into butterflies. She says, of course it's scary, just as it's scary for caterpillars going into cocoons. But what would happen, she says, if caterpillars went around going, "Oh no, I'm about to go into a cocoon, it's so unfair?" They'd never turn into butterflies, that's what.

What she means is, it's the next stage in a life cycle. Like turning into Spiderman was the next stage in Peter Parker's life cycle. So you shouldn't be frightened, you should be excited. But I'm not frightened anyway. It's only going back to wherever you were born before you were born and no one is frightened before they were born.

We used to do life cycles at my old school. I know the water cycle and the carbon cycle and the how new stars get born cycle. They're all about old things dying and new things getting born. Old stars turning into new ones. Dead leaves turning into baby plants. It might be something dying or it might be something getting born , it all depends on how you look at it.

*****

I loved the mentality of this little character, (though the book was written by a 23 year old) because he asked questions I wouldn't have thought up in a million years and couldn't begin to find the answers to.It got me thinking about things that have happened in my life.

'Glee' faves.

2011-12-08T04:46:00.005+08:00

Morph Michael Jackson and Holly Marie Combs?

You get Lenka. Okay so she's more to the Michael Jackson.

"Bless your soul you've got your head in the clouds."

I cannot get my mind to not sing that line out loud in my head, every half an hour. First heard it from glee. Adele's song btw. I am so in love with the mash up they did, I'm considering nominating it for the best sounds I've heard in my lifetime award.

Oh yes, I know I haven't talked about my gleeking experience for some time now, mainly because I'm not like, a MAJORRR fan (meaning I don't stalk east cast members to find out their details) , but I still like it ....you can say, a lot? Previously, I used to skip all the songs when I watched episodes online, to just get to the storyline, but now I've started listening to each one. After all, it is--a musical comedy.

That's like going to Starbucks and saying; "I want something that's not coffee."
--which I did do, my first visit there.

So I've did some evaluation, and concluded that I am a sucker for boyband/girlband (?) performances. I didn't exactly make a list but my all time favorites are these.

I think I've watched this 123,456 times. Almost everytime I come online. I just stare at the screen and fall in awe. I love this performance so much, the simplicity in the voice, and the very synchronized moves. It is a secret wish of mine to drag Laurelle and Amelia to do a cover of this!

The second would be this.

.... No words. Great. That's a word.

*we're talking characters here*

Facts: My favorite voice is Santana's. It's just so, so, so, GOOOOD. It pairs with Mercedes' well. My favorite male singer would be Artie. Although he doesn't get to sing a lot.

Anyway, I just saw the latest episode, and am immensely disappointed with all the song selections for sectionals. Like, o_o. But either way I love having an episode to look forward to, unlike Ugly Betty. :(

You know what? I'm thinking , it's so.. k-pop? the whole girl-band thing. Maybe I should watch an amazing video of a performance of some sexy k-pop band and call myself a fan.

I know Becky and Jovynn would be happy to help. :p

Girls who look like Justin Bieber.

2011-12-07T20:41:00.009+08:00

Please note that I have nothing against Bieber, In fact you can say I'm a fan! (He's looking better and better by day :p )

and really, I've always liked his voice, regardless of whether it did sound like a girl's or not, but I can't control my incredible ~~/impressive/brilliant/magnificant~~ face-identifying skills from detecting how some girls really do look like him.

... In case it confuses you, all the Bieber's are on the right.

This I found from the movie 13 going on 30, her name is Christa B Allen.

This is a picture of a young Alyssa Milano, who played my favorite character from the series Charmed which has now ended.

This is Hillary Swank from Boys Don't cry, I googled her and saw someone put a picture of her next to Bieber, but they didn't look alike at all, But then again there was something quite same, so I found a better picture. I don't know, what do you think?

This is Dani Shay. Now this one I found from the internet because she became famous for looking like him.

And this last one,

If even for a second you agreed: It is proof that I can manipulate you into thinking that almost anyone can look like Justin Bieber if they made the same facial expressions after being shown a series of images in which they do.

If you disagree: Okay so you're smart. ;)

I guess that's all for now. Free time overloaddd.

Sofear. (so-fee-ah.)

2011-12-05T19:15:00.005+08:00

~~Trouble~~ Fear is a friend of mine.

It's loyalty increased with my age.

Once, I was a stranger to it's power. We rarely saw each other, it was too busy paying everybody else a visit. I liked things that way. The rare surprise visits. The point is, it did visit, once in a blue moon. The visits induced a sensation of ALIVENESS. But now it's embodied me. It's comfortably enveloped itself with my every thought, slowly transforming the person I am. It has no intention of leaving, instead it desires to introduce me to great levels of insecurity.

It enjoys knowing my state of helplessness, It loves that it's conquered. --and it's only a matter of time before it interrogates me;

"WHO ARE YOU, without me?"
"In fact, who are you at all, anymore?"
"Get rid of me and you're nothing."
"I love you. I am you."

Sofear (said as so-fee-ah) was the name I'd given her. My alter ego. Once in a while she likes to surface and I feel so unstable about myself.

*****

Recently, thoughts have been keeping me up at night. It's like my thoughts have a voice of it's own, *now as I think about it, it's my own voice to be exact.*

Scenes of worse case scenarios become superimposed upon the inside of my closed eyelids. It's the random-est things, thoughts about my future offspring becoming disabled. Thoughts about being kidnapped tomorrow. Thoughts about not ever having a boyfriend. Thoughts about fainting when SPM is on. Thoughts about having a disfiguring disease. Thoughts about not being able to walk tomorrow. Thoughts about having amnesia. Thoughts about religion. Thoughts about not having friends. Thoughts about going to hell. Thoughts about suddenly ending up as a nun.

Then I craft up like, paragraphs of words . I guess you can call it mental blogging. But by the time I fall asleep I engage in the best, realistic dreams. (I read somewhere that over -thinking before sleeping leads to that.) And I always, always forget the mental blogging that happened the night (or rather, early morning-- considering I sleep at 5:00 am-ish) before. I bet some could make great blog posts.

And you wonder why I wake up at 3:30pm.

Hey, when else can I do that, right?

Better enjoy my last school holidays while it still is.

2011, you crazy crazy ride.

2011-12-01T14:14:00.001+08:00

What do you get when you combine Tiffany Thornton and Emily Osment?
You get Hayden Pannetiere.

I don't really remember my first day in 4 Bestari, but I felt that I belonged there since the year before. It was all so planned out. Straight A's, first class. Science stream. And suddenly, there I was, failing my first add maths test. Feeling so grown up that I'm learning a subject known as biology and chemistry. Wearing lab coats and dissecting frogs and rats. I don't know about you but all these things made me feel like I was so grown up.

There was, that one thing that bugged me at first.

My seat.
I don't know how or why but I got the corner seat, next to the door. Being the nice friend that I was, I let Amelia sit closer to the exit, and I spent my whole year pressed to the wall. Hated it at first, and hated it even more when four tables were joined together (at some point in March or May), but it was just so bad for my social life.

I felt so rejected. I didn't tell anyone but I felt it. Was I not worthy enough for anyone to book me a place or enjoy my company? Has it come down to me belonging with the people who finish their homework the minute they get it, and stress about every exams? For someone who's mildly obsessed with a sense of acceptance with the 'in' people, it was a big slap in the face. Of course, I felt excluded from games, gossip sessions, knowing whats new with people, team work. The people I were close with, the very people that made song recordings with me the previous year had just drifted apart. ( I blame myself. )

It's a horrible feeling and I hope nobody will have to face it. But it was perhaps a way of enlightening me with life lessons. The most important one I learned? -- nothing is permanent.

But along the way I've also opened up myself to being more accepting and I've made some wonderful friends. And, learned even more about the old friends. So yes, the world needs to know about how Melia and I have lasted yet ANOTHER year. :D

If you didn't know me enough we'd probably be perceived as together.

Back to the topic of friends,
Sure it upsets me that the people I used to click with are no longer my "clan" but BECAUSE of that, I got to know some new people. Which, aren't exactly new,but I just never took the time to get to know them.

First there's Wei Bin and Lydia-- since they come in a pair just like me and Melia.

Wei Bin's a smartass that often gets first in class, and Lydia's a distinct person that speaks in mouse voices. They both click like mac and cheese. And, they're both REALLY, REALLY funny. When the class gets quiet and you hear some loud laughter by the corner, it's usually because of them.

So they're not the best artists,
But they're the most honest, warm hearted, accepting people I know. What's that one thing I share in common with them? We both love disturbing JUN JUN ! :D

The next person would be Xing Jun.

Often called Jun Jun by me, (not to be mistaken with Kah Jun's nickname) she's honestly the most.... different person I've met. It's very easy for her to be misunderstood, and her nature of needing to get all her homework done, help everyone in need, commit to her duty and stuff would have been a deterrent for me to befriend her, (I'M THE EXACT OPPOSITE) but sitting in front of her, it would have been hard. Almost every week I have a counseling session with her on how to be less socially awkward, which Lydia and Wei Bin LOL at. Xing Jun's got a GREAT voice too, which made me duet with her countless times--so far, I've been happy with the results.

Then there's Yee Chen.
God, sitting in front of her is stressful. Not because her persistence in success makes me guilty, but rather-- I feel that every little worry in her life is amplified and it's slowly eating up her teenage life. She's never really had FUN (as I know it) and claims that books and drawings ARE her definition of fun. Now, NO-- I don't see anything wrong with that, but sometimes, I feel like being her fairy godmother and giving her a drug that would just make her STOP stressing out/freaking out about exam results and job interviews and positions, for like, a month. I conduct counseling sessions with Yee Chen too, and she gave me the name "Aunty Marie."

Not forgetting my platonic relationship with John Chow which has lasted for four years.

He's the first guy I hugged in school, but he feels awkward to hug me back. If he were a tree I'd be that small flower poking through the sidewalk He's turned into some sort of success-chasing beast this year, that's often envious of other people's success. I give him counseling too, you know. He is such a good friend to me, and we end our phone convos with ily. Hehe.

I also got to know Foo Shen, who's the single most patient person I know. I can tell you he's very committed to his duties, which is something worth the admiring. I learned how to play the four basic chords on his guitar. We did a performance together too, it was nice working with him.

Jannah has been my ultimate self esteem booster. She tells me she likes my writing. She tells me I should publish my diary as a book. She tells me she likes my voice. She often visits me at my place in the far deserted corner and meows while untying my shoelaces. She speaks really fast, which reminds me of Candice from Phineas and Ferb. She contributed a lot to my feeling socially-acceptable, and has helped me countles times in taking photographs of my year. I love having my nice times recorded in photographs and she has done just that for me, and for that I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart ;) I hope we do not drift apart next year.

I met a friend online too, who actually complies to the term instant messaging. I mean there's nothing that frustrates me more than WAITING for a response when I'm chatting. Also known as the person I turn to to seek a good conversation without needing to feel guilty about disturbing or coming across as clingy. The name's Lach. Our mutual love for Miss Allen and Ugly Betty seems surreal.

*****

I've also opened up myself to trying new things , things I'd never see myself do--ever, (four years ago) because I've changed my perception on life, and programed my mind to thinking I'd die tomorrow (I think that almost every day) and I don't want to live a life that's been so..risk-free and boring.

So, I joined cheerleading.

I really didn't want these people to be hi-bye friends, but -- everyone's got their life and they're so busy living it. Besides, after sports day there was like, no purpose for all of us to meet up again. Because we are all so..different you see. I enjoyed this experience, the whole unity thing. (Y) I love ya'll! *sappy love song in the background*

On the bright side, Teshween and I still meet up and frequently chat. She's so my adopted sister, but ssshhh-- my parents don't know yet. She's close to Adlina , which is Amelia's sister, so like-- Amelia, I, Adlina and Teshween can go on a double date or something. hahaisolame. She's definitely one of the people that made my 2011 great.

Speaking of great 2011; here are other highlights for my year.

- I've also successfully survived an entire schooling year with dyed hair. I mean, it's so obviously RED in the sun and a lot of classmates have noticed, but the teachers apparently, have not.

- I got my name in the buku rekod kawalan, but didn't get called up in assembly.

- I've also had a private... "counseling" session in the discipline room (first time, seyh!) with 'the english teacher' on my behavior.

- I've managed to do not one, but three (!) performances for the school, which was something I'd wanted to accomplish by the end of the year.

- I joined the school choir, for a performance?

- I've found a new favourite singer. Like, IMMENSE LOVE kind of favorite. Mindy Gledhill. ♥

- I've started wearing glasses! ;O...but then I lost it on the 4th of November and my life sucks now.

- I've learned what being busy really means. And that cramping up for an exam just, doesn't love me as much as it did.

- Growing my hair this year has made me a much more feminine person. I've even become comfortable enough to wear short shorts around the house.
- I had a short term fascination for the english teacher.

- I painted the library walls, and my name's there to prove it. :D

- My blogging activity has severely decreased for the year, and I didn't even have to try.
It's generally a better schooling year than the last, but not my best schooling year.

Ugly Betty, and my delayed discoveries.

2011-11-24T23:54:00.000+08:00

Wow, it's amazing how wrong I was about something.

You see, I'm a fan of the series Ugly Betty. It was the first series I followed from the very first episode till the end. Having said that, I'd like to think that I know everything about the show. But recently, I made a discovery that made me feel so stupid.

Okay, here's a picture from an episode;

That's the back of Justin's head, btw. Also, I thought he was cutest here.

And here's another picture from another episode.

There's an important thing that set those two apart. The first, was the one that bullied Justin. When Justin tries out for a Broadway musical, he is shocked to find that the bully, is also trying out. They are still hostile and competitive with one another at first; but when they both fail to get the role, they start to bond.

The second, was the one that made him (HIS CHARACTER I MEAN) realize that he was gay. The first boyfriend. Named Austin.

Now, up till yesterday, I had thought that they both were the same person. I thought that the same person that bullied him, the one he has issues with was the one that he had kissed and fell for.

I mean, I felt that they looked alike! ..in some weird way.

But well, they're not.

And another thing is, after re-watching the Pilot of Ugly Betty some days ago, I realized; The trademark of season one, the infamous Betty banging into glass window in Guadalajara poncho on the first day of work thing..?

It just hit me, that the reason she wore that poncho in the first place, was because of this lady, the first person she met, while waiting for her job interview.

The lady on the left? ..she was wearing one.

.....AND IT WAS BETTY'S ATTEMPT TO "FIT IN"!

Maybe one day when I'm like 25, and living alone in my apartment I'd have the money, privacy and free time to rent myself the entire DVD collection of the series', and relive my adolescence. Meanwhile, I really miss this. The entire looking forward to watching new episodes .

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH, WHY GOD, WHYYY??

Selfish? naaaww.

2011-11-24T16:56:00.004+08:00

It was in Miri when I was in a car and these lyrics came on;

"5 o' clock in the morning.."

And I was filled with SOOOO much joy. Lily Allen, MY LILY ALLEN'S SONG, --was on the radio! Or so I thought.

But it was just the remixed, T-Pain version. Could have been the most potong stim moment of my life. I've heard the song, prior to that incident, and let's just say I didn't have anything nice to say about it.

I continued to express my distaste to my aunt, who was in the car and told her about how much of a fan I am and how this version kills it. She, on the other hand, kinda liked the song! After that there was much silence, while I let myself be absorbed in thought. There was only one thing that came to my mind.

" OH NO, Now so much more people are going to know about her and youtube her songs and sing them in school or something! "

It should have been a GREAT thing for her , more people would now buy her album and she's going to make enough money and be inspired to come back with more albums, and the possible increase in fans would drive her to love what she's doing and stuff, but the thought of that kinda broke my heart a little.

Call me selfish, but even though she knows nothing of my existence, I feel like my private connection with her music has been compromised. I was very comfortable with being one of the earlier people to love her, and all her music, and bask in the glory that only I know her among my clan of friends, but when new people share my passion it's heartbreaking.

So I just thought you should know. Done ranting. :D

On a much lighter note, I've rediscovered some good music by Lenka, and am totally loving Mindy Gledhill. HAH, It's gonna take sometime before that one get's famous, and when she does I'd probably be more mature to handle my favourite artists getting famous.

My holidays have been spent glued to my computer. Here's why.
Where would I be.

That, and.. I just want to state what a truly wonderful, thrilling feeling this gives me.

The sudden peak in blogging activity can be explained by a free time overload. Really hope to get a fun job in December to put all my free time to good use.

Dinsaster?

2011-11-23T23:09:00.000+08:00

On the 4th of November, I had my annual librarians dinner, (except this was... LUNCH?) just like all the other years I did.

I decided I'd rather attend it with two other friends than be socially awkward if I was early and stuff. So I went to Xing Jun's house! like, four hours before the thing. And you know what, all that ample time gave me an opportunity to watch one of Xing Jun's favorites; Percy Jackson.

Okay, I admit, he looks like, the type of person I'd be cyberstalking.

We started of watching it together, but Xing Jun and Yee Chen went to go have their baths. Long, long, baths. I on the other hand, hate risking a good hair day so I didn't take a bath. I just, chilled and continued with my movie.

And at boring parts, hehe. :D

I remember Yee Chen asking me multiple times,

"YOU NOT GONNA TAKE A BATH?" "WHY?"

It made me feel like I was committing a mortal sin.

....But all in all, it was nice, spending time with the two of them. I bet they would agree. God, there were two really funny things that happened involving the human anatomy. I won't forget.

SO BACK TO THE PARTAY. I anticipated it over two months before it happened. My anticipation doubled with every little thing, like going through the menu with Sharifah, involving myself in few discussions, taking part in the librarian's performance, etc.

I decided that I HAD to do a performance that was not singing, since it's my last year to do anything.

I tried and tried to convince everyone I could, to live out this dream I had planned in my head. I wanted a dance performance of a minute of english, (was really looking forward to promoting The Golden Age, also known as my distinct music taste) malay, chinese and indian. Unfortunately, everyone was doing anything they could to not be involved. Transport issues, shy issues, worried about exam issues, and things like that.

However, I did manage to find a few people *by few I mean 5, and we practiced the english song first. This, was like a month before. SUDDENLY. Towards like, three weeks to the day I suddenly get a disapproval, and was told that dance is not allowed? (whaaaaaa....?) But my persistent convincing led the teacher to agree, on the condition that it's traditional.

Running to Teshween, since she's a dancer and my closest junior, the job of choreography was now hers to take! So with three practices, this was produced. The original six would have been much better, except Mariko was very lost and Hui Xin was late on the day that we were to perform. I feel SO SO BAD that they didn't get to perform even after rehearsing, but it was necessary.

We were supposed to be the first performance but since we were so unprepared, I traded our spot with Xing Jun. There was a change in plans, which was, performances only start after eating. If I had known earlier, I wouldn't have traded.

I wanted to chomp down on EVERYTHING but my appetite was failing on me. I took what I wanted, on the side where there were less people so that I could eat faster.

So eat I did.

BUT SUDDENLY, five minutes before we were supposed to perform, I was hit with a wave of nausea. Then my fingers started getting icy cold. I had cold sweat. I knew where this was getting.

I knew I ~~saw Mark Indelicato~~ ..was going to faint. And it wasn't because of stage fright. I was sick. In fact, two days before I had fainted in school after feeling really bad and throwing up.

But with two minutes to my performance, I couldn't. I felt like crying. But I didn't want to create a scene. Besides, I came that day for the purpose of performing and not letting Teshween down. So I performed.

HALF FAINTING, THAT IS.

I remember looking at Teshween and telling her; "I'm gonna faint."

To which she responded with; "I know, I can see it in your eyes but just dance anyway."

Laurelle said that I was being extra perky and lively. Maybe it was because I was trying to hide the fact that I was going to collapse anytime soon. After the performance, I felt a bit possessed by my inner moron.

*I don't know why but even I felt that I was very.... moronic..?

One moment I wanted complete silence and have everyone ignore me, and another, I just wanted someone to hold me. It was emotionally frustrating for the besties.

But before I get to that, I actually won a lucky draw prize, which has never happened to me before. You can just see Puan Maznah's face here,as she told me;

"HAAA....Saya suka persembahan kamu!" (this was right after my performance)

Maybe that picture was still at the; "HAAA..!" stage.

After I got that towel I asked Laurelle to come with me to the toilet. I just needed some privacy. And that was where I felt the most horrible, sick, feeling of my life.

Now that I am so much more like myself , let me try and explain what it was like. It's like, the feeling of wanting to puke but you cannot, and feeling like fainting but it's not happening, and when you open your mouth you suddenly feel like you have lack of oxygen. Oh , Oh, and cold sweats!! ..on top of that people are coming in with loud and repeated responses like ; "What happened!?" and at that point any noise was annoying .

To quote an article I read online;

"I can tell you from experience, it feels better to just pass out ( if someone is there to catch you), than the feeling of being on the brink of fainting. It literally feels like your dying."

A lot of people did try to help, even Puan Raja Faridah, who had noticed my pale-ness. She did some weird massage thingy on my neck. Did it help? no. Was it something to laugh about with Laurelle? hell yes.

And that's how I spent the second half of the event in a separate room, lying on the floor, and acting like I was on labor. It was also the day I lost my specs and umbrella in the hotel, (so sad about it!) and the day I learned the value of my friends.

I knew I was going to head to Miri the next day so I wrote a FB note thanking everyone. Well, almost everyone. Cik Tan was such a sweetheart to send me all the way to school. There was much panic, and my mother and father sent me to the clinic after waiting for two hours in the school. (Talk about jam!)

After sleeping in Cik Tan's car for what seemed like forever, I woke up feeling much, much better. Even the doctor (that me and the parents visited) diagnosed me with the PERFECTLY FINE syndrome!

...Like, okay. I made that up but basically he said there was nothing wrong with me.

So, what's so disastrous about it you ask..? ;

-I missed out on a lot of photo taking sessions with the other form fours,
- forgot to take my bag with my specs in it, (and now it's missing!) ,
- didn't get to see all the other performances,
- didn't enjoy my meal,
- ..or even eat much to make up for paying EIGHTY SIX bucks,
- A short misunderstanding happened between me and Xing Jun when I was in that pain.
- Won first place for performance (HUGE hamper) and didn't even get to see it cause I went back home early,
- Mostly it's the leaving half way that was depressing.

I felt like I had wasted my moolah. And I didn't get to spend any quality time with anybody. But a phone call with Laurelle made me see things from a totally great point of view and made me much less depressed about what happened. It could win like, the most needed phone session award.

WOW this was a lonnnnnnnnnng overdue post. If you read all of that lemme give you a hug.

Muse. Where have you gone?

2011-11-22T16:40:00.002+08:00

Two days ago, I came across a blog that made me feel like crap. It was so much like the blog I was TRYING to make mine appear as.

I loved the english,the colors and fonts, how everything was punctuated properly, and updates on her life were so interestingly put. So yes, I read about how some stranger (who's unaware of my existence) went for someone's birthday party, and actually enjoyed reading it. I then proceeded to read her "about me". And THAT was it.

Basically this was my reaction.

Because of a few reasons;
- this person was my age,
- just as malaysian as your nasi lemak,
- a friend of a friend,
- she managed to put to words the exact things I've felt. In great words.

....."OOOOH, MELIA'S GOT A GIRL CRUSH."

EH NO LA, I just found a good blog.

Then it reminded me of the time I first started blogging, and why I did it. Long story short, I had a source of inspiration. Now my source has stopped blogging, and it's made me lose my muse. It takes no genius to tell you I blogged differently then and now.

But reading that blog again was like, a splash of ice water on my brain.

It just brought me back to the time when I had a strong passion for self expressing. How updates on people's life USED TO interest me. The only reason it's less appealing to me now is, nobody has had the english of my inspiration since she's stopped blogging. I'm not saying that everybody should use prodigious words, (pun intended?) but sometimes, it's the way that things are put that makes it stand out.

Marie in the Miri say what?

2011-11-22T16:13:00.001+08:00

When I was 15, anticipating 2011 and thinking about what it could offer me, I made a list of things I'd want to see myself accomplish by the time the year ended.

Unlike the other years, I didn't even bother putting board a plane on it, because for the past 15 years it didn't happen. Being the optimist I always am, I convinced myself my plane virginity will be snatched away when I get my first real job and I'll save up for one. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Some time in late September , I guess it was God's way of being nice to me, but I was offered a chance to take a flight to Miri! :D It was out of the blue, and it was to visit my cousin's family for her first holy communion.
6/11/11.Shortage of moolah, so only me and my sister went, a day after my annual dinner--which was the 5th of November. I liked it that way actually. Makes it more thrilling. I missed a week of school, but I'd say it was worth it.

***** lets take it from the top!*****

...So it's my first time on a plane, and I FEEL LIKE FAINTING. I had to spend RM6 on a can of 100 plus. The hell. Plus, I didn't get the window seat, and from my view, I could only see the left wing. The guy beside me kept "tsk-ing" (I don't know if he was cleaning his teeth or doing it at me for constantly looking his direction to get a glimpse of the clouds) , and reading the flight magazine out loud.

The stewardesses however, were such polite and nice people. My heart was so happy.

I don't know if it's coincidence, but I saw the same man I sat next to in the plane, in a supermarket I went to, the same day.

So here are twenty two things I did in Miri to make up for missing a week of school.

#1. Be on a plane--heck yeah.

#2. Bond/fight with the sister.

#3. Attend cousin's first holy communion mass.

#4. Go flying fox.#5. Chase birds.

#6. Do a lot of walking around.

#7. Feel confused with the weather.

It gets bright at around 6:30 -ish, and dark at 6:30pm ish, which is really... good for sleep disciplining. The bright sun doesn't even make me feel as sleepy.

#8. Hang on trees.

#9. Have a random photoshoot on a bridge.

This was where, every single car that passed were looking, and a few whistled and made peace signs.

#10. Chill in the beach with the cousins.

#11. Have a dinner in a grand restaurant.

#12. Visit some crocs.

I saw some crocodiles the size of a kancil or something. BESAAAARRR.

#13. Get a croc to laugh at my jokes.

#14. Carry a snake.

#15. Get chased by goats.

#16. Be terrified of goats with horns due to possible injury it could inflict upon me.

#17. Have a nice conversation with a peacock.

#18. Eat more grand dinners. (the background isn't a painting, it was the sky that evening. Which reminds me.)

#19. Witness beautiful skies that are just very different from my place;

...even though both the places are in the same country. I mean, I saw a variation of skies, for instance, a range of red, transitioning to purple-ish then light blue, like--whaa....?

#20. Watch Aquamarine.

#21. Nominate myself for most awkwardly dressed passenger in plane.

#22. Realize I have a weird body proportion.

I mean when I came across this picture I was like, WOW. I have a massive bottom. So potong stim.

Of course I did other things too, but those were not photo documented. Lets just say I now wear an additional "HAND THING" :) ..which I love.

By the end of the trip I felt a sense of accomplishment, and the vacation took my mind off so many things . Like, a medicine.

The first day of my 11' holidays.

2011-11-19T20:00:00.006+08:00

So it's early in the morning, and there I am in Laurelle's front gate because we were supposed to carry on with our completely random outing in Endah Parade, roller blading (even if the both of us can't) and I am face to face with her very aggressive dog, Milky.

I don't even enter her house yet, because I'm dogophobic. That's when she comes out, with a broom, to actually open the gate for me. It was like, some scene from Zorro, where I was tugging on the back of her shirt for my dear life.

Just, replace the sword with a broom. It was a hillarious scene. Her dog's actually terrified of the broom.

She then leads me to the insides of her new home, and not long after I meet her grandmother.

"Who's this? Shalini ah?"
"Ammama, this is Amelia."
"Ohh, this is the girl that faints!"

She proceeds to tell me about how she has daughters that used to faint frequently too. Being the polite person I am, I listened. Meanwhile, Laurelle fries me an egg. Nothing quite like breakfast from a bestie.

We then WALKED to the place, where I discovered that Seri Petaling is a very fertile area because almost everyone grows some fruit tree and it turns out real well.

****

So we're there in Endah Parade, even before some of the shop owners are. I manage to drag her to Carrefour, because I wanted to take a look at bicycles. Along the way we pass a movie DVDs rack, one that sold 'EASY A'.

*Now if you don't know about my undying love for Emma Stone, please be educated.

I was quick to spot it,as my eyes are Stone-sensitive you see.

"OH MY STONE!"
"where?"
*points*
"Ahhh, I see."
*groans*
*moans*
*moans, and holds DVD to chest*

*awkward silence*

"Do you realize that we're probably the only females that moan about Emma Stone and that because the place is so empty, there's probably going to be echos?"

*puts CD back in rack.* "Okay, let's go."

My search for a nice bicycle didn't turn out too well either, because they were all too small and kiddy. Now, if I am saying this, believe me, ...it's small.

Next, we came across a music shop. Since it wasn't opened yet, we moaned about the beauty of a guitar from outside the shop and decided that we were going to return there as soon as we finish roller-time.

Then, roller-time begin.

It felt like, ...a club? dark, cold, blasted music, wooden tables and chairs by the side. Besides, it was only RM 8, so why not?

It was a nice experience on my behalf, because the first time I put on the rollerblades, (last year) I fell the moment I tried to stand up. But the conclusion of that day is, I can now carry on locomotion with the roller blades, but at a ~~very~~ slow rate.

BETTER THAN PAKAI TERUS JATUH RIGHT.

I remember mentioning my experience at the music shop we visited after that, in a previous post, so no need for repeating that, eyh?

We walked home in the rain, got whistled at, ate spicy lunch, etc,etc.

By the end of the day, I smiled at myself and thought,

Oh my Radha.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes, it's really nice to spend a day with just your best friend doing the most regular , unplanned, things. Who says you need to parade your "fun" with a big group of people that probably don't even know anything personal about you?

Mindy Gledhill and my musical epiphany.

2011-11-17T20:57:00.004+08:00

I'm not a crying person, but this song makes me do the closest thing to cry.

I don't mind your odd behavior
Its the very thing I savor
If you were an ice cream flavor
You would be my favorite one

My imagination sees you
Like a painting by Van Gogh
Starry nights and bright sunflowers
follow you where you may go

Oh,I´ve loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
Its not about your scars

Its all about your heart

You´re a butterfly held captive
Small and safe in your cocoon
Go on you can take your time
Time is said to heal all wounds

Oh,I´ve loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
Its not about your scars
Its all about your heart

Like a lock without a key
Like a mystery without a clue
There is no me if I cannot have you

Oh,Ive loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
Its not about your scars
Its all about your heart

I was first introduced to her by Yoong Ruey, the person with like, the best music taste I've known. I mean, I've been introduced to a couple of songs by him, all of which just get stuck in my head for months.

I have heard some of her other things too, and her songs are so much like what I'm trying to achieve when I'm writing one. Now, I know how annoying it can get when you come across a blog and they ask you to view their songs because it's the best thing ever. --I mean, I've ignored a countless of 'GREAT SONGS' but this, ..I'll let the music speak for itself.

If you liked the first, here's a song that's so, SO, SO me. The lyrics, the kind of music I'd make, just.

Everything you do
It sends me higher than the moon
With every twinkle in your eye
You strike a match that lights my heart on fire

When you're near
I hide my blushing face
And trip on my shoelaces
Grace just isn't my forté
But it brings me to my knees when you say

Hello, how are you my darling today?
I fall into a pile on the floor
Puppy love is hard to ignore
When every little thing you do
I do adore

We're as different as can be
I've noticed you're remarkably relaxed
And I'm overly uptight
We balance out each other nicely

You wear sandals in the snow
In mid-July I still feel cold
We're opposites in every way
But I can't resist it when you say

Hello, how are you my darling today?
I fall into a pile on the floor
Puppy love is hard to ignore
When every little thing you do
I do adore

Finding words, I mutter
Tongue-tied, twisted, foot in mouth
I start to stutter
Ha, ha, heaven help me

Hello, how are you my darling today?
I fall into a pile on the floor
Puppy love is hard to ignore
When every little thing you do
I do adore

Every little thing ba ba ba ba
Every little thing ba ba ba ba
Every little thing you do
I do adore

This song has seriously added to the complications, because I'm in a serious dilemma on what to get myself for christmas, a guitar or a ukulele. I mean, after hearing that I just wanted to be able to play that because it sounds so beautiful on a ukulele. There are a few other cute songs that have been played on a ukulele too, which made me fall in love with one.

In fact, juussstt the other day I went to a music instrument shop with Laurelle and at the sight of a ukulele my heart started racing, my pupils were dilated and my hands were all over the place, strumming all the most beautiful looking guitars.

LIKE JAKUN, seyyh.

Now I want to get a part time job in December to fund my own desires without needing to beg and beg and beg.

My dream first job?-- Anything in GSC .

Since I was twelve.

Start rethinking.

2011-11-16T11:44:00.004+08:00

15 days is half a month,
--the amount of days I did not blog.
Never was there a break so long,
I broke my personal record.

It's not that blogging is no longer my thing.
If you ever thought that, start rethinking.

Believe me, my fingers are itching and aching,
If only you knew what even a day could do,
You'd understand the pain half a month can bring,
My love for writing is a love so true.

My mind is undergoing serious depression.
It's parted from it's lover for way too long.
A series of events led to unsuitable conditions,
And the heart was left to only long.

But alas, they've met, --my thoughts and a paper,
They certainly were made for each other.
Now be prepared to hear about,
fainting, dancing and what not.

It's not that blogging is no longer my thing.
If you ever thought that, start rethinking.

School ended. I feel so good about it. Mostly because I can make up for all those times I was sleep deprived.

I have SOOOOOOOOOO much to blog about, like that day I puked and fainted *dramatically in school, and a few days later fainted in a hotel on my annual dinner day, and performed a dance half fainting, how I've learned how to value my friends and why, my first time on a plane, how I visited Miri and why, How I'm really sad about no fully experiencing my 11/11/11 or making a 11:11 wish on that date, how I 'm now looking for a job , etc, etc.

One of the many great life lessons; --give everything a chance.

2011-11-01T23:20:00.007+08:00

What do you get when you combine Justin Bieber and Matthew Morrison?

You get Paul Wesley.

SENSE OF BELONGING;
A feeling that members have of belonging, a feeling that members matter to one another and to the group, and a shared faith that members' needs will be met through their commitment to be together.

All I ever want is a sense of belonging. A place to completely be myself. A clan where I'd need not fake my laughter or interests . For some time I had it. Many times, actually--alternating points of my life.

My experiences have led me to this observation. The people I'd never think I'm going to lose as friends will eventually just fade away from my life. Like it's so easy. Like, it's normal. Like everything we've ever been through meant nothing enough worth cherishing. I hate that it happens, (most of the time there is nobody to blame) and it makes me a paranoid person.

- When I meet somebody great in my life, I often wonder how long they would last in it. Whether they genuinely like my company, or they're really good at pretending.

- I always, always resist talking to them as much as I really want to (given my way, I'd call everyday) only because I don't want to come off as clingy.

- When something I do upsets them, it's hard for me to get over it. In a lot of ways I'm like Ellen's character from the show 'Ellen'-- she just wants everyone to like her and when someone does not, she tries to do everything she can to find out why and possibly change things between them.

- I get really jealous of their closeness with other people especially if this person is everything I had wished for in my life. (We're talking same music taste, the ability to get my jokes at lightning speed, musically talented and enjoys making music with me, brave enough to be brutally honest with me, eloquent, etc)

The list could go on.. but the candidate to fill in the position is yet to be discovered. And you wonder why I don't have a lot of friends.

Last time, I felt like I needed to be 'in'. It was a biiiiiiig insult to not get invited out. I didn't really have a problem with group works because I always had sufficient members. Then the drifting apart begin. That time, being new to it I was in a mild stage of depression. I didn't like being replaced, being a second option. It took me half a year before I found that sense of belonging again , but that too I lost just like that. This year, I found it again.

Life has a good sense of humor.

It was the very same people that were labeled the different, the weird, the nerds. The people you don't find sitting in big groups on a table, (laughing out so loud to things that probably aren't thaaaaaaat funny). But the heck. They are just labels. It's true, I've gotten a taste of what all the groups feel like, and no doubt they each communicate very differently. I was a prejudiced ***** in the past, but what these people have done to my life (even if they don't know it) is something I'll be grateful for.

I hope this time these people don't drift apart from my life like everyone else has.

Sweet sixteen? ..right.

2011-10-31T21:44:00.002+08:00

My brain is experiencing a melancholy-overdose.

*cue instrumental version of Incomplete-Backstreet boys*

I feel so sad. I don't have a specific reason to WHY I am, I just am.

I spent my sixteenth birthday (ALONE AT HOME) eating nasi lemak in the morning, watching Ellen, refreshing my facebook wall multiple times, (the people I wanted to see wishes from disappointed me! *insert depressed face*) I then proceeded to google why birthdays are celebrated, and read about how grandly some people celebrate their sweet sixteen in ships and hotels. At eight o'clock my mom comes home from being away the whole day, and goes straight to sleep. Subsequently, I watched more Ellen, and then for dinner, I ate some cold sate my dad brought from somewhere. Yum.

Best birthday ever.

*Please be smart enough to sense heavy, heavy sarcasm.

I think God was trying to show me the greatness of Ellen by eliminating anything else that's more fun. If that is it, I am so grateful for her existence, she is like-- the goddess of entertainment.

The only great thing that happened that week were FOO SHEN AND XING JUN. Because we both had a mini jamming session a day before, (Puan Chan asked me to make a song about BAHASA, pfft.) ..and I roughly learned how to play the four basic chords on a guitar. I try to not think about it but there is nothing worthy of a distraction.

Apart from that, I was a bit emotional because the person that I had a BIIIIIGGG issue with once upon a time was the very same person that had the thought to buy me something and remember my birth date. It was so touching. 2011 has really shown me who my true friends are.

Not just that, I learned a lesson. And that is to never rely on people to make me happy. I didn't turn sixteen because someone wished me, or bought me a present, or remembered my birthday, I turned sixteen because it's the sixteenth year I continue my existence.

But all these, (and more events)

... it was like a big slap in the face. You can say it's the perfect contrast to what I had in mind. I feel like many people are having a competition to see who can squeeze the brains out of my head first, and their hands are not only amplifying the sadness, but they prevent the bad thoughts from escaping.

Does it make sense?

6 things the 16 year old wants.

2011-10-24T15:27:00.005+08:00

I have been anticipating my birthday, since a week after my birthday ended last year.

But now it's in less than a week.

I don't really feel the umph to it.I wish it'd come like slightly later, to be more emotionally prepared. I don't want it to end so fast that I didn't have the time to appreciate it while it still was there, then I'd have to wait for a WHOLE year again.

I have been asked what I want this birthday, and I thought I'd have like, 16 things-- but even finding 6 was hard.

So here is my wish-list, if you believe in making people happy. Most of them aren't materialistic things.

#1. To lose weight.
I'm hoping to lose three kgs. I have put on so much weight this past month. Innit silly how I could maintain a fixed weight the whole year then a single month comes and the scale just goes WILD? So having said that, I could use some exercising equipment that's affordable and portable.

#2. To watch something that will make me cry.
I have not watched or read anything tear-jerking to date, and I hope things will change.

P/S: I told Laurelle this and she responded with;

"It's set. We gon' make you cry."

#3. A bicycle.

Now if you really want to help me, please give me some generous ang paus. I do not expect you to by me one, but if person A gives me an ang pau, and person B does, and person C does, then I can save up and get myself a bicycle of my choice. Geddit? I mean, how are you to know what my taste is like?

#4. A day out with just the besties.

I assume there will be picture taking and that three slices of cake thing that Amelia talked about. I'd rather spend my morning with the people I'm closest to.

#5. Clothes.

Graphic tees/ Slogan tees ♥ Anyone noticed how this has been on my wish list for the past four years? Who ever gets enough? Any type of clothes would do, doesn't just have to be a shirt. Remember, I am a minimalist. Any clothes you plan to buy for me should be in the colors blue, black or white, aite?

#6. A pleasant surprise.

For the love of God. Thrill me.

Let there be a pleasant surprise in my near future. I cannot mention any of the things I have in mind because if you decide to do it, it would be expected, hence, NOT A SURPRISE.

Say my name, say my name.

2011-10-22T22:49:00.006+08:00

I kinda love my name.

A LOT.

But for someone who's ~~mildly~~ obsessed with originality, to have a best friend with the same name is a big slap on the face, no?

Amelia.
You see it on books.

You see it on wine.

You see it on shirts. Okay you don't, but one day Mr. Amelia will own a shirt like this.

You see it in hotels.

You see it in ....Plantation Farms!?

....Oops, it's actually the name of a resort.

I instantly fall in like with anyone who manages to correctly say my full name.

The thing that inspired this short post would be how 'the english teacher' pronounces it better than I do, it's embarrassing! :O

Toodles!

Please love me enough.

2011-10-22T13:04:00.000+08:00

I don't really care how you respond to 'how are you?'
I never used to be one to ask for the sake of courtesy.
I'm glad I've found a life and all,
I'm glad we both are happy.

Please love me enough to not want to talk to me.
Because every conversation we have has become painfully awkward.
Once upon a time you were more important to me than money,
but now my fascination for you has spiraled downward.

Look me in the eyes and offend me like you mean it.
Just until I manage to shed some tears.
It'll initiate the flow for all the bottled up emotional frustration,
Your existence in my life has brought upon, throughout the years.

Please love me enough to forget me,
So I won't feel guilty about wanting to forget you.
Please understand that it's nothing you did to me,
I'd like to think of you as a phase I was going through.

I feel you tell me not the things you really feel,
..but rather things I want to hear.
I guess we were never as close as how I'd wanted us to be,
And I'm sure we'll never, not in the near future.

Please love me enough to be honest,
To you, I feel like a grain of sand in a beach.
You remind me of a me I try so hard to bury,
Way out of my memory's reach.

--What happens when we take some unconnected thoughts, connect it with some rhyme and amplify the drama. Did I mention how some of it is fiction?

I think I need the filter function facebook has, for this post.

PRESERVErence.

2011-10-17T23:24:00.000+08:00

...No, I did not spell perseverance wrongly. I'm just a fan of puns.

Something that defines me is the way I have a mild obsession with preserving things that come from a special day or moment in my life. For example, I still keep the receipts from my first alone-shopping-spree-time and pieces of my first starbucks cup. (Of course, I washed the starbucks cup)

These tiny things hold too much value to me.

But okay, I'm going off topic I think?
It's no secret, I get really selfish at times. I'm the perfect contrast to my best friend, Laurelle who has a nature of buying you something if she's eating and you're not (And you happen to put on a hungry face) . I on the other hand, have trained myself to be indifferent. Which generally makes Laurelle a more likeable person.

So, I like food.

Who doesn't.

I put in a lot of thought to the things I buy. Most of my recess is spent on choosing rather than eating. That's why it makes me a bit uncomfortable when I go out to a restaurant and I'm forced to choose fast. That feeling when I've got my heart set on the food of my choice, and actually buy it, I tell you.

So when I go out to a supermarket, and get a portable food (LOL)of my choice, (we're talking half an hour of debating with self here) it becomes, like my valuable possession. I value the food so much, I try my best to resist the temptation to engulf it whole, all for the sake of knowing I will enjoy every bit of it for another day when I am close to starvation-like-hunger. (And by close I mean everyday after school) The harder it is for me to resist (and I actually manage to) the more valuable it becomes.

Unfortunately, it is very often that my sister refuses to understand it, and a lot of times, the food I've managed to preserve and save for a later date (bear in mind the agony of resisting temptation) ends up in her digestive track.

Then the anger that fills my soul sorts of leaves a burning effect on my throat. *clears throat*

It doesn't only apply to food, though. Lets take a more practical example. CLOTHES. I own a few favorite outfits. But unlike most people my favorite outfits are the ones I wear LEAST because I have a fear of it being worn out, faded or just.. I cannot explain it. I like to preserve it's originality and wear it to only the most special events.

UNFORTUNATELY.

(It's rare, but it happens) fill in the blanks for yourself.

Can you imagine what it must feel like, to watch your priced possession be in contact with someone that's NOT YOU? And the worse part is they don't get how much these things mean to you and they just take it that you're being unreasonably selfish.

KETIDAK-PUAS-HATI-AN.

You would think that living with a family of 5 has taught me a thing or two about sharing.

Looks like that's not applicable to me.

Where art thee?

2011-10-12T19:41:00.004+08:00

Wednesday, 5:00pm;

Here, have a nice picture.

Xavier Dolan. I like.

I tend to look at guys that look like that with dilated pupils. In a good way. I'd appreciate a guy that knows his fashion. I think what I want is a flamboyant male best friend. Wait, it's not a matter of want. It's a matter of need. My body and soul longs for one.

Maybe some day I will meet him and he can introduce me to his world, which will eternally change me as a person in terms of the way I think,dress and act, -- we'd make the best vlog series and I'd spend more time in his house rather than mine, and we'll have so much fun.

SOMEDAY .

Sunday school last week was so potong stim. The topic was supposed to be homosexuality, NOT 'diss-the-people-that-don't-act-like-their-gender'. I'd heard enough when some people proceeded to expressing their disgust over feminine men.

***

So.. I'm out.

..More like, I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted from two weeks of overworking my brain. I'm already expecting the horrible-est exam results yet, and if there's one thing that form four taught me, it's that I should NEVER study at the last minute. EVER.

Please take a word of advice if you are anything like me, dear people who are younger than me.

Coincidence much?

2011-10-08T15:03:00.004+08:00

My eyes were lacking some Mark Indelicato.

So for the 329874,948th time, I turned to google. This time, I typed in the words; "Mark Indelicato photoshoot". Usually, photo shoots of people just amplify their beauty.

Almost instantly, my mind was drawn to a specific image. When I clicked it, I landed on my blog.

It was a post form 2009. Which means my taste has not been as different as I think it has.

That incident delighted me so much that I tried to see what I'd find if I tried it on youtube. Now, for someone who constantly checks, I didn't think I'd find anything but I gave it a try anyway. The search results came. The first page of search results consisted of the same things since the past year.

*SIGH* The drawbacks of being emotionally attached to a side character of a canceled show. :/

By the time I reached the fourth and fifth page, I found like, 5 new videos, things I've never seen!

*squeals*

Of course, a picture paints a thousand subliminal words but a video actually has words. And expressions. And voices. And generally a video is much more enjoyable. So CAN YOU IMAGINE THE JOY.

So ladies and gentlemen, meet the boy who initiated the strong attraction to feminine boys and thinner upper lips. The picture on the upper right , ♥♥♥

In the video which those images were from there was this man, who fits the description of what I thought his father looked like. I mean, don't you see some sort of resemblance?

So yeah.

I'd probably blog about something more me-related when my final exams are over.

My musicsuality.

2011-10-01T02:41:00.004+08:00

SPARKS FLY. IT'S LIKE ELECTRICITY.
I MIGHT DIE. WHEN I FORGET HOW TO BREATH.

MIGHT? Oh yes, maybe when you forget how to breath (to obtain oxygen) you can carry out anaerobic respiration until you cannot anymore, then you become a mermaid and live underwater.
Ironically, I like singing this line in class. Nice tune, what to do?

Have you tried saying out most of the things that are usually sung these days?

THAT'S the difference between music then and music now. You see if I were to read out the lyrics of 'baby' to my future sweetheart ,

"Baby, baby, baby!..."
"WHAAT?"
"Ohhhhh."

..it would brutally murder any intention of me wanting to be sweet and adorable.

So simply put-- nice songs, in my definition are the ones

-with lyrics that I can actually say out to someone,
-that have the cutest catchy melodies,
- Lily Allen. Just, Lily Allen.

But you know, sometimes, music is just meant to be listened to. Regardless of whether it makes sense.

Do it like a vlogger.

2011-09-30T21:09:00.004+08:00

I was reading an interesting blog which I came across by accident, and then viewed a video that this person blogged about.

...Watch the video and see the relevance to this picture.

Misheard Lyrics # 9: Alexis Jordan-Happiness. Actually, there's not much relevence.

Now usually I don't share videos like these, simply because (and my besties hate me for it!) I am not really a fan of children, and it makes me uncomfortable when adults start acting like children when they are around them.

We're talking making baby-ish voices,

exclaiming how everything they do is cute when sometimes, it's really not.

needing to deal with tantrums,

needing to be careful about the way I speak, and act and stuff.

THANK GOD I'M THE YOUNGEST.

I guess my mind is just wired differently.

ANYWAY, the point of sharing that video is, I found the girl in there (not the child!) very, very pretty and I know someone who laughs just like that! It's my definition of the ideal laugh. So I did what anyone would. I ~~did some intense stalking~~ watched her other videos.

Lucky me, she's a vlogger, and one that's very good at what she does.

And that's the story of how I got addicted to her youtube channel, and why I cannot get her song out of my head.

Please watch that video until the end, perhaps it would make much more sense.

I guess the point where my interest reached it's climax was when I saw this video;

The guy on the left explains it all.

Zayn Malik vs Mark Indelicato.

2011-09-24T16:47:00.005+08:00

TERPUKAU I TELL YOU. ♥

This fine display of inexplicable attractiveness is Zayn Malik from the band One Direction.

I know, I know. Delayed much.

The resemblance to Mark Indelicato is amazing.

...So I spent the past hour doing some SERIOUS googling.

Did I mention how I have yet to prepare for my final exam?

Ah, ah love you like an eng. lish. exam .

2011-09-23T21:21:00.008+08:00

It's a beautiful Friday today.

No, actually it's just a regular Friday, but the fact that there's no school tomorrow is beautiful.

My final english exam was today and there was an article about this girl's blogging experience. Personally, the way it was described was like an insult to blogger, and the links of blogs she enjoys reading suggests she's a 13 year old. To anyone who may have thought about me throughout the course of reading the article, thank you. It's flattering to be associated with blogger in your thoughts.

You see the way she made it sound was as if blogger was a place to complain about the world. TOTALLY NOT the kind of blogs I'd visit. Although, occasional ranting is harmless, right. *looks at shoes and bites lips guiltily*

I actually brought in extra papers for the exam to blog because I thought I'd have SO MUCH of extra time, considering the fact that it was a paper that lasted more than 2 hours. Turns out my efficiency has decreased, (The amount of time I spent planning my essays and changing my answers, omg) but I loved the exam.

"Teacher, who set the paper, ah?'
"Why?"
"Oh, it was so...exam-y."

I loved the challenge of the paper. Makes an A that much more valuable.

I used the words 'subsequently' and 'personally' a lot. I don't regret anything I wrote, (More like I don't allow myself to!) and I'm anticipating my results.

*******

MEANWHILE.

I'm totally hooked on to love you like a love song. I don't remember loving a song so much. I've analyzed the music video enough to come up with some observations.

Let me start with my least favourite scene;

I don't know why it was disturbing to me, but now it's more bearable and I'm starting to think I don't have any problem with it anymore.

...I thought I was the only one who thought it resembled Bieber.

and here's my favourite scene;

There's just something about slow motion hoola hooping.

And here's what I call a real lolworthy scene ;

The original face of the guy , when I first saw--looked a little like Joe Calderone.

But then, I realized he looked more like James Franco.

ahhhh, kecomelan.

Selena Gomez has a different way of pronouncing "baby" . It's so adorable.

I also find it cute how Laurelle's dad goes;

"...ssshhh, my song."

whenever it plays on the radio. Like, sporting giler.

P/S: My banning-of-self-from-being-online is an EPIC, EPIC fail. Mission aborted.

Argue.

2011-09-18T18:35:00.002+08:00

Might not be so accurate but Robert Pattinson and Tobey Maguire?

Jake Gylenhaal.

I get that I'm supposed to be studying but my whole body is unwilling and decides to be sick at the perfect moment.

FLU + HEADACHE + SORE THROAT = No concentration when studying.

So, study pun not like it enters my brain.

However, my pheromones (the hormones responsible for attraction to the other sex) have been unusually active.

You are cordially invited to delight in the sight of people I currently find attractive. And welcome to argue. OH YES. Speaking of which.

I have a strange passion, or should I say hobby.

I enjoy arguing.

ar·gue

verb /ˈärgyo͞o/

Give reasons or cite evidence in support of an idea, action, or theory, typically with the aim of persuading others to share one's view

- defense attorneys argue that the police lacked “probable cause” to arrest the driver
- “It stands to reason,” she argued

Persuade someone to do or not to do (something) by giving reasons

- I tried to argue him out of it

Exchange or express diverging or opposite views, typically in a heated or angry way

- don't argue with me
- I wasn't going to argue with a gun
- she was too tired to argue the point

Most of my free time is spent, thinking of good comebacks for any situation. You know that SUCKISH feeling of coming up with a BRILLIANT comeback long after an argument is over? That's what fuels my passion.

Every time someone argues with me, and they win--I take it as a lesson, and improvise their comebacks then test it on other people. Even before sleeping, I argue with myself. My family tells me I am a sleep-~~walker~~fighter. (I'm often angry with someone in my sleep.)

HOWEVER, I hate when I argue with someone, and they cannot get over it and bring it up every time something bad happens,

OR, OR..

They start shouting to defend their point. Then it stops becoming arguing. That, is fighting.

So the next time you argue with me, just remember that most of the time I have well backed up points to shove in yo' face, and that secretly, I enjoy it. So if the motive is to try and bring me down,

good attempt, but nahhh. ;D

Now one would question, why I don't argue with people much older than me. Specifically.....I don't know, a certain teacher who's often at odds with me and starts enforcing her strong opinions of what I am to persuade other people to think the same?

It's not out of respect, believe me. I argue INSIDE. INSIDE. Because, if I did voice out my thoughts, some people do not have the decency to maintain their tone of voice. They start shouting. Come to think of it, it's a serious ego-bruiser for me, as a student to do it to a teacher. But. If there's a need, I will have the perfect argument, AFTER I LEAVE SCHOOL.

For now, my parents have never been called up for anything, so lets just keep it that way. (:

The little joys of life.

2011-09-17T12:13:00.001+08:00

You know that situation, when things work out better than planned? They are so rare to me, which is what makes them great. I just felt like documenting a few down.

* Today's post is special because you get to see how gifted I am, when it comes to drawing.

Okay, the first.

I never , ever start a conversation. I think more than being shy, I have a phobia of having a dull and possibly dead conversation after some time. So as much as I really, really want to talk to someone sometimes, I just don't.

But, don't you just LOVE when this happens?

Oh yes, it rocks.

The second.

You come back from school. TOTALLY HUNGRY.

and then.

..Only the food you've been craving for, for the past 3 months! :D

The third.
So you are days/weeks overdue, and feeling all shitty

when this happens.
The fourth.
When you realized you've found a friend of the opposite sex that you can be so comfortable with calling darling and yet not be in any relationship with them.

The fifth,
..When you've spent an hour on a question that you cant seem to solve

and finally find an epiphany.

The sixth, Someone who's attention you've been trying to get for the longest time,

FINALLY notices you, and you end up having casual conversations.

When you've won a game of monopoly perhaps..?

--Player one was me :D (two different games.)

You know that feeling when you've been trying to identify a song but all you have are a few hopeless words from the lyrics and just a tune but WITH those few words you manage to find the song anyway ? :D

Or that one day when you've come to realize that the someone who meant your world suddenly doesn't anymore?

It feels like freedom.
Yes, I definitely saved the best for the last.

Pitch-er perfect.

2011-09-15T16:23:00.003+08:00

Recently I joined the school choir , out of the teacher's request.

There's supposed to be a performance for the Australian people who are going to come to our school.

Me: Ma! Australian people are coming to my school!
Mom: Where are they from?
Me: uh, Australia, la!

I did want to join it, in late 2009 when it was JUST formed and auditions were happening for the next year but the headmistress decided that it was not suitable for form threes. So after actually attending the audition with Krystle, Jenny, Jia Yi, Laurelle, Kenneth and I cannot remember who else, TAK JADI LA.

Anyway, practices have been happening, like 4 days a week and the teacher (who's a real good coach and has an amazing voice) has of faith in me. Jenny, Kuan Wai and me didn't have to audition like my other classmates, and she put me with a bunch of sopranos . It's kinda flattering.

The downside is that I only love high voices. I don't own one. The higher I get, the softer I become. Seriously kills any form of talent I can flaunt.

cheh. :D

But I discovered that Xing Jun and Elaine--who quit, can really sing! Like, waaaaay better than me. :D I'm not jealous or anything, in fact really happy for them. Now I know who I can duet with if I'm up for some serious karaoke-ing. P/S: Jiann Ming can reach higher notes than me. It's embarrassing for the both of us.

If there's anything I gained, its a good experience, and I think I can reach higher notes now, than I could before. I'm glad that the teacher thinks I have a good voice. ♥

My new favourite thing to sing out loud (from the list of choir songs) is;

Darling it's better, down where it's wetter--take it from me!

...for OBVIOUS reasons.

Comfort zone.

2011-09-14T18:13:00.004+08:00

*for optimum viewing experience, the bar at the bottom should autoplay to complement the gif.

If I were a transformer, I'd be a swagatron.

*fail, faiiiiiilllll.

I never thought this day would come. When I could cause another human being to feel the way I did. Insecurity.

When I'd actually make someone be careful about their words when talking to me.

I never thought I could say something that would make someone cry. I did that, I actually did it.

When I'd be gossiped about, for being 'mean'.

I'd say it's one of my life's great moments, being able to reach there.

It's like I'm beaming with such a confidence that you could hear music play when I walk. Okay, no. But on most days, that's how I feel. Comfort. Comfort with everything about myself, and the things/people around me. It kinda feels very nice.

I actually banned myself from being online on weekdays, and I managed to resist, for about two days! Then I couldn't. UNFORTUNATELY,

The day I decide to not be online (hence, no blogging!) is the exact time where I have LOADS to blog about. While waiting for my van to pick me I actually take A4 papers and lose control of my hand. It just starts writing. And writing.

Speaking of writing, I love writing narrative essays. The english teacher (get used to the term, you're going to see it a lot in the near future) called my essay a bit CORNY which was actually --I'm not joking; a compliment for me. Let's ignore what the urban dictionary says, I like this definition.

corn·y
Adjective: Trite, banal, or mawkishly sentimental.

I find corny love stories/poems cute. But I'm not so happy with the term "trite" and "banal", in it's definition. but in my defense HOW ON EARTH to make an impacting essay within 100 words, in a day? (procrastination, procrastination.)

Anyway, I hope I can refrain better next week.

P/S: Anyone with a talent in add maths you need to transfer your knowledge to my brain THIS INSTANT. I'll give you a pendrive.

English Drama.

2011-09-09T23:04:00.008+08:00

For a long time my ambition was to be an english teacher. Then I realized I don't have the patience.

I like english teachers.

So yes, when I try to get something nicely done it's being over-ambitious/over-done and when I don't try as much it becomes dull and boring.

Yes, almost every essay I write seems like an attempt to impress.

Yes, I do not follow instructions of cramping up really long things in ONE page, only because it's my book which is going to be used for my reference and it should be easier for me to understand and read than it is for anyone else.

Yes, I don't LOOK at people in the face when they want to rant at me about my flaws and need assurance from me to tell them I'm wrong.

Yes, I'll get snapped at , for not looking at you in the face, and indirectly get told I'm hated if it means I can write things to suit my convenience.

Yes, I tell you publicly if I find you physically attractive, (though that time it was a joke!) but that does not mean I'm a lesbian.

-----

....By now you do not personally have to know me to know that my english teacher hates me.

Ironically enough, I don't.

I enjoy looking forward to each lesson she enters, because of one thing. D. r. a. m. a. Dramuh! From five minute ranting on how this is the worst batch of 4B's ever, to the whole "I HATE THIS CLASS. WHY AM I TEACHING THIS CLASS?" and a bunch of other things I cannot think of right now, I actually have no problem with it.

Ignorance is the key.

I like the sarcastic humor. The offensiveness. The discussion that goes on in class that leads to something really comedic. The fact that she "distastes" me. The look on people's faces when she says something insulting while I have that smirk on.

..Person insulted.

..Insulted person's friend.

The classroom activities, that are very different. How it makes you actually USE YOUR BRAIN and share opinions. (The opinionated's paradise.) How she is not afraid to tell you if your work sucked, and in that same way, if it was good. The comments below each essay.

In a way you've gotta admit. It keeps you awake. Like that feeling of being splashed with cold water.

Or maybe, it's just me. :/

SOLT EN PEPAS HERE. (say it like a rapper.)

2011-09-02T01:12:00.004+08:00

Oh god. Dear Kurt Hummel. Why art thou so incredibly sexy?

While some may be disgusted by the image I placed above (please wait for it to load!) I find it hot. Those hips.

I've not been watching gLee for a long time now, mainly because there hasn't been any new episodes. So for the past months, I've quenched my vis~~sex~~ual frustration by watching other series' online.

I am not going to start on the amazing-ness of the things I watch. It would be too long of a post. Believe it or not, the average attention span for humans is only about 8 seconds.Eventually, as much as I promote it you'd still have your mind set on the things YOU prefer, vs the things I prefer.

But there is, however, one thing that I am going to attempt to lure you to listening.

Sexy music.

I've spent my holidays screening through hundreds of videos based on the song Push It by Salt n' Pepa, which to me, (for now) is the ULTIMATE sexy song. I've heard it before, but the thing that made me actually look it up and like the song is..

..I can't remember.

All I know is, it's appeared in more than one of the things I've watched. And every time, the scene that has the song ends up becoming EPIC, EPIC scenes.

1. Chuck. For days after watching this episode, I'd come online to just watch this.

PLEASE CLICK FOR THE VIDEO

2. Something Borrowed. Fell in love with the dance, and made Laurelle watch it.

3. Glee. I forgot this, until recently when I started becoming an addict to the song and browsed hundreds of covers of the song. Now, what did I tell you about epic scenes??

Yep.

Metamorphosis.

2011-08-31T23:42:00.001+08:00

"SLAMAT AYI AYER.
AND HAPPY MERDEKA."

The country is now 54 years old, and I can only dream of what it must feel like, to live through the transformation of the country, into what we know it as today. Satu Malaysia to me, has always existed. Aren't we all, a little grateful for the harmony among the races? or did you just take it for granted all these years?

..Sure, racism still exists! tu dah kurang ajar, mak bapak diorang menyesal lahir anak cam tu.

Misheard lyrics #8-Jordan Spark's Battlefied.

Decorating classrooms with flags, loudly singing patriotic songs, and visiting the national stadium DOES NOT make you more Malaysian. Sure, do that for a day or so, but every other day you criticize everything about the country means what's the point? Hypocrisy only right? Given the chance, you'd love to leave the country or send your children elsewhere. The whole patriotic month in schools does not help instill anything, because the way a person looks at things cannot be changed.

Personally, I like the country. My whole life has been here, and to completely start anew in another country is too much of a change for me to think about now. Oh yes, that's what today's post is about. Change.

*****

If you look properly at my archives, specifically the number of posts per month, and you say it out loud, it would sound like you're rapping. I know it's decreased, it will probably be lesser next year.

Holidays are usually the only time I do some serious sorting out and cleaning up business.

Being a hoarder however, it gets really painful to throw away things. Every single thing, no matter how insignificant it may look holds some sort of memory.

Can you believe, that I actually cut out the logo from my first starbucks cup and pasted it in my diary, next to the receipt? Yes, I did. I can show you even, if we're close enough. The purpose of bringing up this topic is merely to share my pain on needing to throw away a mattress that existed before my birth.

I have a picture of me as a one year old, lying on that very mattress, that I'm throwing away now. (30/8/11)

Okay you may laugh at it's silly design now. (It's from the eighties!) How can I even bear with needing to sleep on a PINK, SNOOPY mattress, you ask? ..I simply put a fabulous cover on top of it. Problem solved.

I don't like throwing away my old shirts, (I keep some from when I was 7) exercise books, (I keep my english exercise books because of Puan Goh's comments at the bottom of each essay) receipts of things I bought with my own money, (I actually paste all my receipts in my diary!) and even if I needed to replace my leaky bottle, it pains me to throw my old one away.

I am not used to change. I don't like change, in fact. If I could stick to something, I'd stick to it for the longest possible time. I think THAT'S THE VERY THING that makes me a non-demanding child. I do not get bored of my clothes/bag/books/accessories because I am not used to change. I do not demand for materialistic things, and the only things I demand for are.. food.

(I have sudden cravings for random things, every month. It ranges from ciku, to cadbury chocolate, to brownies, to fried bittergourd, (I know, sounds yuck.) etc. )

...and occasionally, some cute and cheap graphic tees.

Speaking of which, my mom bought me this really awesome shirt, (I demanded for this one because it was RM 10 and it had a pun-ny message on it!)

It says; "I love FRY-DAYS."

I do love fries, and I do love Fridays. Perfect. My sister wanted to turn me into an internet meme, due to the irony, you know--like fat people wearing I love 'insert fattening food here' things?

AAANYWAY, Back to being a hoarder. I would have a lot more room to store new things, if I found the guts to throw the old ones away but I cannot bring myself to do it, and because of that you'd find piles and piles of things everywhere. BUT. when I do have one of my clean up sessions and throw things away I find myself having this strange feeling, sort of like growing up. Moving on. Leaving the past behind. Like, metamorphosis.

I cleaned my room. I am feeling closer and closer to a sixteen year old.

It just occurred to me that in four years, I'll be twenty. The END of my teen years. The end of being looked upon as a child.

The good times.

2011-08-28T19:43:00.000+08:00

What do you get when you combine Jillian Michaels and Eileen Davidson?

You get a Dominique from ANTM.

I think this person has just been added to my list of ~~inhumanly~~ REALLY beautiful people. Her masculine face is exactly what makes her in that list.

........

But forget that face. Look at this face.

This is the face of a genuinely happy person.

There are so many things I could be sad about, really-- BUT recently, my inner optimist has been having multiple orgasms.

I mean, it has been ages since I woke up feeling refreshed, (instead of the usual anger) or smiled while walking down to school, or didn't feel like hating anyone.

There could be one thing to blame at this point. I think, I've just found like, an epiphany.

Your life is really the way you want to look at it. Everything could be depressing, dumb and stupid OR great, meaningful and exciting.

I've found a way to be happy. Every time you feel sad, think of 5 to 10 reasons why you SHOULD be happy. There WILL be at least 5, if you put your mind to it.

Think about the memories, the MEMORIESS.

Oh yes, Misheard lyrics #7-Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone.

So here are reasons why I feel good. (I made this post somewhere around July but never found an appropriate time for it to be published.) --For the purpose of cheering myself up in the future.

#1. Pretty Little Liars' music. ♥♥♥♥

I found a youtube channel which plays ALL the little snippets of songs, (except this is the full version) that come on Pretty Little Liars. It's like the best thing that has happened for this August. I've always took a liking for all the music from the show, but never could catch the words to google. And since they play a lot of indie music, it's rather hard to find. I have discovered a whole lot of unheard of music which to me, is like finding a treasure.

#2. Mr. John Chow.

He is so effing nice to me, (and Amelia) but I am SUCH a jerk to him, sometimes I feel bad. The first guy to volunteer to carry my book for me, and wait for me to walk with to wherever our class is heading next. Recently his sense of humor has been improving too.

#3. I'm so close to finding out who A is on Pretty Little Liars. And have I mentioned how much I love the show?

#4. Ze Approaching Annual Dinner.

This year is the year my batch gets to plan the annual prefects/librarians/koperasi dinner. You know what this means? I smell a dance performance coming right up. I envision it to be great, but it's really up to the people you know?

#5. Add maths.

From a 36, I got a 69. (Not a sexual innuendo!) ...Some more one day before I was busy rockin' with my harmonica, learning how to blow as many nursery rhymes as I could (you see what I did there?) until I was completely exhausted and then went to sleep. So anyway about add maths, I think I've discovered my strong points, and my weak points. Just that I'm too lazy to do anything about it.

#6. Music

I discovered a lot of new music that nobody around me knows of. It's a little like what Newton must have felt when he discovered gravity and didn't tell anyone yet. Or like, what the pirates must feel when they have found some long lost treasure.

This is a song Yoong Ruey posted on my wall. I absolutely love it, and every time I hear it, no matter how down I am, I am instantly filled with bliss. Yes, bliss is the totally appropriate word.

Once again, my collection of similar sounding voices that I so dearly love have been expanded. :D

#7. Emma Stone.

I've watched two of Emma Stone's movies. :D Okay let me rephrase. Two movies that Emma Stone acted in. She played such a small insignificant part, but it's still Emma Stone! The movies were Friends with Benefits, and Crazy, Stupid, Love. And in case you no brain , this ought to give you an idea about what "benefits" (from the title of the movie) mean...?

Unfortunately, both of them get like, a 6/10 and less.

Strange thing would be that JOHN CHOW is the one that told me about Miss Stone's new movie, The Help. Gotta go watch it when my internet speed is faster. I took like 4 hours to load and watch a 100 minute movie. Damnnn. Wasn't always like this.

#8. Getting things done.

I hate that feeling of needing to do something but not being able to get it done. Then the fact that it's not finished bugs you and graaagghhh. I managed to complete the page Foo Shen asked me to do for a magazine, among other things that are pointless to state.

#9. Reading.

Like I've mentioned I have picked up reading again, FOR REAL. I just want to get my NILAM complete without cheating, since I am a very honest Ketua Nilam. :D The books I've read so far have been nice. I await the day a really boring book comes to my hands and makes me take ANOTHER long break from reading.

#10. Chuck

I've completed Chuck Season 4, only to discover that there is going to be a SEASON FIVEEEE! :D The finale of season 4 was the closest thing to making me cry, but then Casey had to come in and say;

Clyde Decker: You're all under arrest. Kind of disappointed in you, Bartowski. Thought you could get past me with a few of your spy friends. Should've know I'd bring an army to stop you.

Chuck Bartowski: I know the move... But we have a move of our own. It's called the "Magnet." You see, while you were looking at me, and all of my spy friends, you're missing something really, really big. Care of Volkoff Industries.

[Armed Paratroopers appear]

John Casey: *looks up* Russians... so many Russians.

DAMMIT THIS PART WAS SO FUNNY. It was a sweet episode. ♥

#11. My house.

My house is starting to feel a lot like a home now. It's currently the best place to spend my holidays, and I'm using half my holidays to do a lot of cleaning up and sorting things out. Also, I shall take the time to send Lach and Rebecca one of my..'novels' (since, I can like write you pages and pages about how I'm doing so be prepared the next time you ask how I am doing.) because I owe them that much. :D

#12. The harmonica.

I found my lost one some time back (was missing for 6 years), and slowly I am learning how to play by ear, but so far the only song I have memorized is "Happy Birthday" which I initially planned to play for a certain someone born on the 10th of August, but tak jadi in the end. :D Point is, just the feeling of picking up a musical instrument and being able to make beautiful sounds with it makes me feel very.... productive.

#13. No strings attached.

I am not emotionally attached to anyone, something I have not felt for the past three years or so. It feels very great. Like, freedom.

To quote Lily Allen; "And now you're gone it's as if the whole wide world is my stage. And now you've gone it's like I've been let out of my cage."

I swear this is the theme song to my love life. lol.

Um, I better go and get to something that starts with a 'home' and ends with a 'work', to give myself some free time for the rest of the week. Oh yes, I am talking about completing things I have abandoned since May.

Opposites attract? ..if you're a magnet, sure!

2011-08-27T20:41:00.000+08:00

What do you get when you combine Alyssa Milano and Wendie Malick?

You get Teri Hatcher.

**I have a feeling the post below is going to change your judgement about me as a person, or make you not like me.

Here's the thing. I have a love-hate relationship with almost everyone in my life. I do not like people getting too close to me. Once I feel them getting close to me, I feel a little bit tied down, and I need them to back off a bit. If you don't, you end up being hurt by my actions.

(It was not always like this, it only started last year. )

Let's just say, I meet someone in college. We end up talking, and enjoying a conversation. Sooner or later, we end up hanging out a lot, and it goes like an unspoken rule that everywhere I go she/he follows. We share some interests, go for lunch together everyday, etc. I'm supposed to be.. happy right?

PEEEEEEEEPPPPP!

If it continues for a long period of time, it makes me miserable.

I do not hit, I do not scold, I do not cry, I don't start no drama. But you can sense this tension, it goes without saying. I don't know your side to the story, (Referring to those who have experienced it, and in fact every you I address after this would be the same)

..but your voice starts getting really annoying (because I hear it a lot, due to you always being around me) and then I start distancing myself from you. You of course, take it as an offensive action.

"What, am I too uncomfortable to be around with?"
Then every conversation you pick with me starts becoming pointless and boring because I already can predict your response. I'd rather converse with someone else. But when I do that,

"Why don't you want to talk to me?"

When I do make an effort to talk to you anyway because you did nothing to deserve such cold shouldering, we end up arguing because of our very different ways.

Oh yeah, about that. Most people say that opposites attract, but I am really not feeling it. I disagree. Most of the time, the opposite of me tends to annoy me. I have a lot of different preferences, and I'm happy that way. The opposite of me feels and does..well, the opposite of me and this causes a strained relationship.

Honestly it takes very little to make me pissed off. Of course, who are you to know exactly what you should or shouldn't do,right? But when you REPEATEDLY do the DONT'S, it complicates things.

DO NOT diss me for not caring about what someone was wearing, who had what make up on, which girl looked good etc. I have different priorities.

DO NOT butt in my conversations with other people. When I talk to them, it is because I want to talk to them. Not them and YOU.

DO NOT peer at my homework or stare at my writing, or stare at my food when I am eating. Just, mind your own business I guess?

DO NOT be a know-it-all, this really, REALLY pisses me off. You know how most people have that; "Huh? NOW only you know?" tone when they are trying to be a know it all? Yeah screw that.

DO NOT be SO FREAKING dependent on people. Think! Use your brains to find an answer/solution before you run asking for help. Listen properly to teacher's instructions if you care to do your homework, instead of asking people for what it is, solve a question for yourself before turning to someone.

DO NOT speak like someone you are not. We all know "kinda" and "I'm just sayin'.." is NOT your nature, it is something TV has made you say, and when certain people say it, it gets too awkward.

DO NOT chat wit bad language lik dis n xpect it 2 b kewl. Speak proper english even when you're chatting, I mean what is the use of english education with you if you don't practice it?

DO NOT curse, or call someone I care about a bad thing, in front of me without a valid reason, because if I wanted to start an argument with you on why YOU deserve to be called whatever it is you called whoever you called, more than the person itself, it could turn ugly.

DO NOT argue with me like a 10 year old. There is no need to shout when I am speaking with my normal tone. Shouting does not make you any greater. And if by arguing the issue cannot be resolved, why bother? Unless you want to have a proper discussion on what is bothering you and I express what is bothering me, we can work out our differences.

DO NOT make false accusations/assumptions about the person I am, or act like you've got me all figured out because I myself don't do that.

...Why is it that I feel like God passing down commandments?

The thing is I never actually expressed these thoughts, I've concealed my frustration every time one of these incidents happen repeatedly. I cannot actually say it to the person, right? So writing/blogging it out has prevented this from happening.

in my head, and to the person. At least for this month.

I know that most people's response would go something like;

You GOT to be patient, not everyone is perfect.

Believe me I have been bearing with this for the longest time.

*******

On a completely random note:

Just the other day my mom randomly said:
"Let's watch Planet Of The Apes."

..I stopped looking at the TV, turned to her, shared a short direct eye contact moment and burst out laughing. It was funny because my mother's last visit to a cinema was when I was FIVE YEARS OLD. (It was the movie A Bug's Life!) She's also the kind of person that can't sit down for long, and hates loud noises (our car's radio volume never gets past 11,dammit.)

The little updates;

2011-08-26T14:21:00.004+08:00

Mark Indelicato, the only celebrity crush I have ever had, kinda looks like this now.

I don't know why but I found that picture abnormally funny.

kan kan?

HAHAHA :D

He has a private photography/fashion blog, where he takes a lot of pictures of his half naked friends. I find it a bit disturbing.

I love when he takes pictures of himself though. One of the pictures I found of him reminded me of Gaga. I hope you see it too.

AND while on the topic of Gaga, (misheard lyrics # 6; Judas-Lady Gaga.)

Good news is that the Indelicato phase is over, and so is the phase of loving the song.

******

Fun fact: I am trying not to care about length of posts anymore. If I wait and wait for many many little things in my life to combine and create a substantial post that is LONG , I tend to forget the little things (that may seem insignificant NOW but will be important some day) I want to say most of the time.

At this point, (the point of not feeling like blogging anymore, that is.. ) I am here to share some little things.

The first is that I have broken a personal record, of being caught for skipping class. I mean I've done it a few times, but getting my NAME in the 'Buku Kawalan Kelas' is new.

The second is that I just found out Emma Stone's name is EMILY. I've always found Emily to be a very....gay name. No offense, any Emily's out there.

The third is that I am on a mission to resume the 7 month break from watching Chuck Episodes. Holidays, yay yay.

The fourth is that I am very attracted to husky voices. WHY YOU PEOPLE SO sexy.

The fifth is that my love for meows surpasses my love for people.

---These babies always pay my front porch a visit. My favourite is the orange.

The sixth is that Im going to be very upset when Pretty Little Liars takes a four month break. ):

The seventh is that I want a closet makeover so that I do not bump into people wearing the weirdest things.

The eighth is that my birthday is coming. Slowly and steadily. But it is coming. I'd very much like a cake, thank you.

The ninth is that I am so happy it is the holidays. SO HAPPY. Finally, sleep at 2 wake up at 2, nobody cares.

The tenth is that people love talking about themselves too much, but I need to talk to someone entirely about myself for once. I'd love if they could not fake to be interested.

You cut me open and I keep bleeding, keep, keep, bleeding love.

2011-08-24T16:42:00.010+08:00

What do you get when you combine Diana Agron and Ashley Benson?

You get Scarlett Johansson.

Good evening. I've just returned from my first dance practice with my adorable librarians. I've never felt more comfortable with my position as a librarian, ever. Ketua Nilam, siut.

I've also returned from a very emotionally traumatizing dissection. Some people were so into it, they were like professionals. I THOUGHT I was going to be one of those heartless monsters who feared nothing, but I guess I have more of a heart than I thought I did.

Not that I was going to puke, or faint. I just, it was a weird feeling.

Wednesday was the day I tried frogs. First dissection ever.

Crucifying the poor thing was painful for me to watch and do.

I did the whole thing with Amelia, (note very uncomfortable face)

.....who ironically wore a COOKING APRON.

mmhmm, Kentucky fried frogs.

She was dissecting like she did it everyday before sleeping. Even for the rats.

THEN SOME GENIUS PEOPLE decided that it was fun to take out the frogs heart/eyeball and actually POSE WITH IT! ...It was just such a cruel thing to do.

By the second day, I was drained out of all my emotion, after doing the rats.

That's when Mr John Chow came, to give me one of his pointless lectures on how I made him be unafraid, how dissection is just a part of life.

Obviously my mind is still getting used to what I've just seen and done. ): That's it, I am never becoming a doctor.

And even hugging became uncomfortable after that. ;/

SO IN CONCLUSION..

"Dissection? Not my thing."

*****

Jannah took SO MANY MANY pictures, (all of these belong to her, thanks btw!) like what, 400++ ? which gives me the perfect opportunity to make nice gifs.

GIF NUMBER ONE.

Everyone has some sort of a funny reaction, like Ai Ching suddenly decided to scream because she found a ghost in the curtain, Michelle's all; "ahh, she's doing it again." like as if she's used to Ching's sudden outburst of emotion. Audrey looks like she's trying to avoid something that Kah Jun is going to throw on her, and Loy: "COME. HERE. NOW." Zhe Hui on the other hand is just being cool.

GIF NUMBER 2:

--I like his smile.

GIF NUMBER 3:

GIF NUMBER 4: (epic.)

If you wait for this to load, (I beg you please wait!) you should see a gif of Puan Chan saying;

"NI HA. JOHAN, .....INTERGER! "

The past few days have been interesting. Some sort of massive change came upon the class, we've suddenly become a very united bunch of people.

Wasn't this always what I had wanted? Wasn't this the definition of "the good times" back in 2009? So what has changed? I'm not feeling the bliss I had expected to feel.

But that is for another post. This is probably the longest post I have made in a long time. I hoped you liked my gifs. I could make more if you like.

JUST SAY THE MAGIC WORD.

:D

Practice what I preach..?

2011-08-16T16:09:00.008+08:00

What do you get when you combine Bradley Cooper, David Beckham, Christopher Gorham and Brad Pitt?

You get a Cam Gigandet.

WHY HELLO PERSON WHO GOOGLED ME AGAIN. :D

This time I have proof.

I live in Selangor, so it's not me pranking you. So anyway, person who did that, I've got one thing to say to you.

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:D

And that, is misheard lyrics #5. Halo-Beyonce.

Now, I have a very unhealthy entertainment to studying ratio of 6:1.

It started since I turned fifteen ~~when I became too cool for school.~~ I think my mother hates that I spend long hours online. I hate myself a bit too, after finishing my online sessions, especially after seeing how one whole day suddenly seems too fast-forwarded. Coming from the person who aspires to live everyday like it's my last, (and HONESTLY, really stick to it,) I have suddenly realized that being glued to the computer all the time is NOT how I'd want to spend my last day on earth!?

*makes screeching halt noises*

Wait a minute.

You cannot blame me.

My internet makes up for ALLLLL the other devices I don't have . Like a phone for example. A radio. A PSP. An i-pod. A laptop. A WII. A gameboy. (?) Whatever you can think of, basically. My mom even sent me for tuition, earlier this year because it was one of the few ways to keep me somewhere that's NOT near the computer area.

It's like paying people to stop your child's addiction, if you come to think of it.

At first it was a decision I had hated but then it really helps me. If not for tuition, I don't study, AT ALL. Just ask Amelia or Jannah. I don't even do my homework, unless it's english. Looking back at my attachment to the internet, I can only think of one video that suits the situation well. My english oral video. Took two days to complete this, otherwise I could have done MUCH better.

Hope this helps, it's a video on HEALTHIER SUBSTITUTES for entertainment.

"What would happen one day, if all your entertainment devices went *poof!* "

Just, watch it when you're free--or don't watch it at all but forward to the end (because it's fonneyh.)

The thing is, practicing what I preach isn't as easy as it seems, and who in their right mind would choose exercising over gaming? :/ But slowly, I'm making an effort to be more productive with my life, and I've started indulging in the joys of reading.

I use the term JOY because really, I've forgotten the joy it brought me once upon a time before the internet existed in my life. I love that feeling a book gives me when a line or phrase describes EXACTLY what I am feeling/going through.

I shall now end the post with a quote from the most recent thing I've read , Stranger with my face (which was a really good book, I forced Laurelle to borrow it too!)

" I wish I could put it into writing, that strange feeling of being consumed and enveloped by another human being. "

Now that's something I have memorized! (:

Meowzers.

2011-08-14T17:03:00.012+08:00

Here's a confession.

I've never had a pet.

Dad hates cats, I hate dogs, and mom hates cleaning. Fishes are boring, Birds are noisy, Tortoises and hamsters are smelly, and snakes are a taboo (wait till I get my apartment!)

The closest thing to a pet I owned as a child were my stuffed animals. WAS NEVER A DOLL PERSON, AND HATED WHEN PEOPLE GAVE ME DOLLS. I had many, MANY medium sized animals that I slept with. My mom makes noises for them speaking to me. That's how she got me to eat, study, sleep, be nice etc. I still keep them, somewhere because my mom plans to give them as a dowry..? lol.

I've always liked cats, and kittens. Not a dog person. I have never kept one as a pet, but there are a lot of stray cats behind my house that like to come to my compound, probably because we have a roof on top of the backyard, unlike the others.

*P/S: I'll use he because I'm more comfortable with the term*

There was one kitty I was really attached to earlier this year, named Onyj (said as "on-ij") that came to my house for food almost every evening. It was hard work, taming Onyj because he hissed at everyone, and meowed REALLY loudly. Some time in February, Onyj let me pet him and carry him. He had a foot fetish, which creeped me out a liiiiiitle bit. He was a stray cat, so he did not really stay in my place, but RAN AT THE SPEED OF SOUND whenever I called out for him.

One day Onyj got into a fight and died. In my house. I didn't cry, but I felt some sort of..loss. I didn't even get ONE picture with him, despite spending a lot of my time with him. Sedih kan..?

******

Then a few weeks ago, some kittens with undeveloped vocal chords were screaming behind my house. I never got to see how they looked like, but they were really loud. Then days ago, I found six little meows in front of my house, looking for shelter from the lightning and thunder. The others didn't co-operate as much when I wanted to get a picture,

..but this one was fascinated with the camera.

Now I am going to be honest, this one is bad looking.

There is a fully black and fully orange kitten, much smaller in size and cuter too! too bad they were scared. The thing is, before I got the chance to bond with them, the supposed owners came to my house and took ALL the cats away. Even the parents. The last I heard of them were their screams.

Almost like they were screaming for help. :/

So, now my house is kitty-free.

*******

Meanwhile, I've decided to replace the hot people section with double meaning/misheard lyrics. I've got some epic ones in store.

Lyrics #4: Check yes Juliet-We The Kings
(since 1 , 2 and 3 have been shown before, over here )

I feel like your cactus.

2011-08-11T16:59:00.001+08:00

It sucks when you tell a person a very confidential matter, only to hear the secret coming from somebody else, who heard it from the person you told it to.

I have a low tolerance for people who come to me and bitch about other people, then go to other people and bitch about me. I can see that someone is trying so hard to fit in with everyone.

Has it occurred to you, that to you, a person may be a best friend, but to that person, you're not?

Have you thought back about that time someone proudly said, "This, is my best friend." (Have you been introduced as someone's best friend at ALL, in the first place?)

It is when we question like this we gain a deeper understanding of who our true friends are. Lets put it this way. Putting up with me is hard work. Being a restricted person, I could find you unbearably clingy and not have the heart to tell you to back off (which would result in months of uncomfortable conversation) , I might get into deep disagreements with you, can go for months not talking to you, (without caring how it affects you) and if we don't share the same sense of humor then.. eh, why are we friends?

********

I feel like I've been a monster to someone lately. I felt my heart melt when someone came and sat next to me with this faint smile, and said softly (but loud enough for me to hear) ;

"I've missed you. I want my old Amelia back."

...and for the first time in a long time I was SPEECHLESS. Not responding would have made me seem like a heartless monster so I said the first thing on my mind.

"I love you, lah."

At that point, a huge wave of all my jerk moments came flooding in at once. And then I felt like even more of a jerk. You see, this is why I don't actually discuss my issues with people face-to-face, and choose to rant about it through writing instead. Not many have the guts to HEAR it.

Someone has changed--for me. Weeks ago, I would have loved it, but now I'm having second thoughts.

Ever since that Friday things have not been the same. I wish there was a way to make things better.Since it makes me uncomfortable to publicly discuss,I'll put it in a metaphor. One day there was a girl who loved a cactus.

Every time she hugged the cactus she got hurt--but she loved the cactus, and didn't stop hugging anyway. The cactus loved the girl too, but had different ways of showing it. The girl was fragile and had so much of emotion and affection which she was not afraid to show. She kept nothing to herself and was NOT used to the way the cactus handled things.

The cactus on the other hand, hid many things within itself, that it kept everyone from knowing-- with the thorns he's grown around himself. It's never said "I love you" back, but love the girl he did. It took little to make the cactus angry, and every time the cactus did get angry, it's thorns became more piercing to the girl.

Of course, it hurt the girl, and it hurt the cactus too, seeing how it is hurting the girl, but it's thorns is beyond it's control.

I'll tell you when I've found a happy ending to the story.

Happy August?

2011-08-06T13:46:00.001+08:00

What do you get when you combine Janice Dickinson,Sandra Bullock and Cameron Diaz?

You get Nicolette Sheridan.

Hey there,my Malaysian visitor from Wilayah Persekutuan , who viewed my blog with Google Chrome, Windows 7. I have a feeling we know each other. You know, since you googled my full name.

.....

Happy August, everybody. First day of puasa, Suhaila is already getting excited about kuih raya. The only thing that brings my mood down is when people argue over dumb things during puasa. Like, when non-malays are eating and suddenly it becomes like, a CRIME.

1. Don't look! if it makes you so damn uncomfortable, and you're fasting for all the wrong reasons (as in tak ikhlas and terpaksa) then what's the point!? Not like, I'm pulling your face and leaving you with no choice but to look at me.

2. Aren't you going to be like, rewarded-- for your strong will to abstain despite the cabaran or dugaan? personally, it's not like we're a country of paddy field workers, right? The most tiring thing also is what, climbing the stairs?

3. If Jannah, Johan, Anis, Suhaila and Sharifah can survive in a class of 31 non malay students eating and drinking everywhere, without feeling tempted or angry,( not to mention I almost offered Jannah some hamper snacks, then I remembered) then I don't see why one or two non malay people eating in front of you should tick you off. You're just fighting because you're more in number. Come I bring my army of people to drink in front of you, you wanna fight means.

4. You lazy to wake up for sahur, you don't eat--that's all. In this case, laziness PAYS. So don't be a lazy ___ then come to school and whine about how depressing your life is.

5. Don't eat, don't drink, but curse, swear, drink, smoke and think dirty thoughts means what's the point???

Totally not a racist, btw.

......

I am beyond happy that today is a Saturday. Let me just summarize my week. For the first time in a long time I've felt this inexplicable feeling, the kind of feeling that comes before an exam and you're actually SCARED/INSECURE (?) because you're TOTALLY unprepared. I dare say that chemistry was easier than add maths for me. During free times after I've finished my exam, I'd think of a hundred different ways to copy. (I should make a BOOK!)

An incident happened in my class, which I'd prefer not to discuss. (dang it rhymes.) If you'd ask me, WHY DIG YOUR OWN GRAVE. Not like there was a purpose in doing it also. If you did it just for the sake of getting people to laugh at you, at least CONSIDER the consequences. Totally immature, and unfunny. It's like the goddess of humor needs to descend upon you to guide you.

And when people irrelevant to the situation gets their ass up in the issue, deciding who should do what, it gets on my nerves. Honestly, the way someone made it sound,it's like there is going to be an alien invasion, or some sort of ATTACK

and there are some SPIES out there responsible for it, and they are all out against the class.

Personally, I'm thinking-- let he who made the mistake deal with the consequences.

P/S: There is a difference, between being heartless and being rational.

* Oh what's that? my opinions bother you? shoot me. *

I have a physics test coming up on Monday, one I have yet to study for, but I doubt I'll do it. My morning dosage of Pretty Little Liars was EPIC, yesterday night's sleep was EPIC and my mind feels so refreshed.

The exam damn potong stim la.

--Ever since I found an efficient way to create and share gifs, I cannot stop.

Want vs Need.

2011-07-29T21:21:00.001+08:00

What do you get when you combine Ellen Page and Anne Hathaway?

You get a Nicole Linkletter, the one from ANTM...5, I think?

I was in my van, (the one I take everyday but would change if there were more convinient transports available, because of the racism and noise pollution)

when these two eleven year old girls were discussing. Did not mean to eavesdrop but they were talking really loudly in front of me. Usually every morning they bitch about someone from their school. Haih. Typical.

Wey, orang buat blog tu tuk ape, eyh?

Ala, senang je. Ko cerite la pasal hidup kau, ke.

Aku dah ade dah, blog! tapi tak tahu plak nak tulis ape. Cam takde idea. Bes sangat ke?

Aa'ah. Kau bleh letak gamba, pastu ada "followers." Kat blog aku kan, ada gamba.. er..gambar Avril Lavinge, Selena Gomes (the way she pronounced!) bnyak lagi, kau gi tengok ar!

Malas ah, aku.

They then proceded to talk about having many facebook accounts, and people finding out their password (lol, so bodoh go and tell people your password for what?) and bitched about someone who owns a Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Blog AND Tumblr. (Gosh, the way they pronounced tumblr..)

From the way they were speaking about it all (Can't remember EVERYTHING) firstly it was an INSULT to blogger, the way she made it sound,so... boring. How can you live with yourself? and they seem to have this idea that to be socially acceptable you NEED to own all of these, even if you don't quite get the purpose of the site. Who cares? It looks so cool. I should own one. Even if you know, I think blogger is for showing pictures.

Okay, who am I to judge. Maybe some people do, make a blog for just showing pictures. One word for you. Tumblr.

I guess I was just a little bit annoyed when eleven year olds started discussing having five facebook accounts (ASAL, BUKANNYA KAWAN KO BANYAK PON.) and proceeded to making blogger sound boring.

Then it made me reflect on my first blogging experience. To tell you the truth, now I hated the way I used to blog. Not the contents, but the way I put things. So here's the thing. I have gotten the need for a blog thing all wrong,last time.

I started a blog when I was thirteen because .. ~~I cannot remember~~ I liked the attention it was giving me( from my classmates like Audrey, Kelly, Suet Yean, Kok Yin, Jia Yi etc) at that time, like when people read and talked to me about things that I blogged about, and also because I was newly exposed to it and wanted to give it a try. I have always liked expressing thoughts in the form of writing. Only I sucked at it last time. Maybe I will say the same about the things I am writing now in the near future.

I liked it so much that my priority was to get feedback. It was as if people controlled the posts I make. You like Bieber, I blog about Bieber. You like poetry, I can do poetry. Comments made my day, and maybe it still does, but at that time I blogged for this... sense of OBLIGATION. I did it for you more than I did it for me. And so the year passed like that.

In form two, the focus became more on..me? It was the year I started singing ..in public, (back of the class with a broom) and gained a sense of belonging in this group of friends that felt so much like a family. I thought it was the kind of friendship that lasted forever, but it sort of disappeared after the one that held it all together, Becky left. FAR FAR AWAY TO BURY.

It was the year that I decided that one day I wanted to record my Mark Indelicato birthday song. (Ayyyh, he just turned fifteen that time.) It was the year I learned that, people who are not my classmates read my blog, and it shocked me.

Now it's more of doing it because there are things I need to get off my chest. Some may have noticed that the number of posts are rapidly decreasing. It's not the fact that I have no time. Believe me it is not.

I find that when you get older we FILTER more of our thoughts, and our judgments of what's appropriate to share and what's not changes, and we come to realize that in the end,

WHO REALLY CARES?

Who cares who you think is hot, or what you did today, or who looks like who (okay maybe people care about this one) or whether you're sad?

I guess all I am trying to say is that I like blogging. I don't need to follow your schedule or preference, and I want to do it because I enjoy it, and I like having my life documented. Only this is for public viewing because.. who knows, someone out there actually cares? (:

Just for the record, I'm doing good. Livin' the life.

Past Tense.

2011-07-28T23:15:00.000+08:00

Hey, I totally adored you. I did many things I would have never done, (but then again it was years ago, I probably would have.) many things I regret, to just, get your attention. I wish I could put to words how much you meant to me. Even better, I wish I had the guts to look you in the eyes for more than 3 seconds. I wish you would not think my many songs for you were lame. I wish I were cooler of a person for you to actually be proud of to show to your friends. Your friends are nice people, I wish I had the guts to talk to them too. lol.

Point is, I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IN LIKE. TOTALLY. TOTALLY. TOTALLY.

HEAD OVER HEELS. (Though I am not a heels person. Excuse pathetic attempt to crack joke.)

If only you could actually FEEL the change in rate of heartbeat whenever you were near me. How it made me extremely delirious and insecure (whether I was going to sound like I was trying too hard to be someone you like,which I think I was..?) and how those weird "scared" facial expressions were NOT my attempt at being dramatic.

Maybe once upon a time I would have NEVER, EVER, EVER shown this to anyone, so far only Amelia has seen it. But since there is nothing to hide anymore, (okay wait there are so many things you have yet to know) This is my list of things I really wished could happen, once upon a time. I decided to reveal now because I don't want to suddenly die and not have this off my chest. See? this is why journals are love. This was something I wrote in my diary some time back. Only difference is I've changed it to past tense.

I wished Facebook could notify me whenever you updated your status or when someone writes on your wall.

I wished I could read all the messages you send people because I like the way you talk.

I wished my friends would never get tired of me talking about you, because I could not stop doing it.

I wished I knew what your friends thought about me. It drove me nuts.

I wished I could freeze time so that I could sit in front of you and take a proper look at you because I could never do that when we were talking.

I wished I could run through your closet and steal your perfume if you used one.

I wished to own at least a shirt that's identical to yours.

I wished to know every damn thing that's running through your mind.

I wished that you'd care about me at least half as much as I care about you.

I wished you'd realize how much I wanted to hug you but don't do it as much as I wanted to because I read you don't like hugs.

I wished I could speak about things that would amaze you.

I wished that we could go somewhere together because we've never done it before.

I wished that I did not shiver whenever you were near or when things about you were mentioned.

I wished you did not think I was weird.

I wished I did not find you so amazing.

I wished our conversations were a little bit more about me so you'd get to know me better.

I wished the things that interested you interested me too, because I was getting tired of pretending to love the things you love because you love it.

I wished to have enough money to buy you something you really like.

I wished I had the guts.

I wished you'd one day come to know that this one fool loved you so, SO much. The intensity of it I mean.

And there you have it.
(if you just focused on the action I was doing you would see it's relevance. Wait for this to load?)

You know what I find amazing? It is how much the song I could say by Lily Allen applies to this. I shall personally label it as our song, although there was never a we or our to begin with. That, and the fact that I can finally, finally say that everything I ever felt for you is over.

Sometimes, distance make the heart forget. It does not always have to be fonder.

Conversations ?

2011-07-25T00:59:00.001+08:00

What do you get when you combine a Janice Dickinson and a Salma Hayek?

You get Nelly Furtado.

I did mention that sometimes, I think my life could make a hit series. Don't believe? check the blog description (under the title). THIS, MY FRIEND, IS THE REASON WHY. I did not put in who said what, but these are lines that belong to a hit series. At least, one i'd make.
'

**********

Dude, lets do something we wouldn't do. Want?
What, diss people publicly?

**********

I want a job where, ..I get paid for people to tell me their life stories.
You mean, a psychiatrist?

**********

ohmygosh, how does one pee with heels?
Um, as far as I know, your vagina is very far from your legs.

**********

Aww, if this were a lady, she'd be very pretty.
But it's a pak choy.
Yes, but look at her hair! it's so soft.
You need to stop reading fairy tales, your fish is handsome and your vegetables are pretty!? I wonder who you'll end up with in the future.

**********

I don't understand, why do you fall for people who are rude to you?
Its like..Someone needs to come and insult you, ..
I'd probably hear wedding bells.

**********

OMG, I saw this guy who's so adorable, but he doesn't know I exist. *types in name* *gets frustrated by him not showing up in FB search results*
Wait, I think I know who you're talking about. *shows correct person*
OMG HOW YOU KNEW?
My friend's brother, he has a twin!
OMG I love this one! *points at one*
But they look exactly the same! How can you tell!
Of course I can! One's more feminine looking. (;

**********

*enthusiastic tone* You should really watch pretty little liars.
Nahh, I don't need to get addicted to another show. Besides, its almost an hour per episode!
Um, it has a hot lesbian character?
Okay-- episode one, here I come.

**********

So, I bought my first starbucks drink!
How did it go?
I went into the shop and said; "Can I have something that's NOT coffee?"
In STARBUCKS.
Yep.

**********

Dammit, government is blocking movie websites!
You serious??
I WATCH FIFTEEN A MONTH! And all my series!
Don't you think you're sounding like a spoiled brat now?
..... I think I'm going to have to start watching the TV again.

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IIIII BECOME SOO NUMBBB, I CAN'T FEEL YOU THEREEE. * puts hands to chest dramatically*
Amelia, kamu sembahyang ke?
HAH? Nyanyi la cikgu!
*whole class starts laughing*

**********

Oh, what are you listening to?
Mhm, just some Tegan and Sara.
what?--CHICKEN MASALA?

**********

WHERE are they??
They are down!
What are they doing down?
They are playing the PANG! PING! PUNG!
And THAT, is what we call foosball.

**********

Hold on ah, we go camwhore first. *leaves*
*looks confused* camp whore?
*Explains*
OHHH. I thought its like this camp, for whores? to make them repent or something.

**********

*Parents, watching a video of their child performing*
Who's that fat girl there?
Don't say like that about my daughter.

**********

and this is a conversation I overheard;

Ooooh, look at the German guy there, he's so cute!
*attempts to be German* Gracias. *puts on SPANISH accent and moves hand in elegant manner*
..and this is the part where I laugh hysterically at their stupidity.

**********

Pretty Little Liars.

2011-07-17T23:54:00.001+08:00

Got a secret,
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save,
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead…

If anybody on planet earth who understands English, and is looking for the best thriller series, I would recommend PRETTY LITTLE LIARS.

Just stop what you're doing now and get lyin'.

I don't know why its called that, because only two of them are really pretty to me, and they didn't really lie about much? (Most of it, they were like FORCED to.)

Besides the AMAZING cast,their AMAZING soundtrack, (Seriously, they play the best undiscovered songs!) the AMAZING storyline and the AMAZING cast, Pretty Little Liars has an AMAZING opening theme.

Before becoming an addict, it was this very video that got me the slightest bit interested.

I only really started following when Jannah kept asking me what I thought of the show, and I kept delaying and told her that I do not need to be addicted to another show. Plus, this one is 40 minutes per episode, different from my regular 20 minute addictions.

Jannah: *enthusiastic tone* You should really watch pretty little liars. (For the 50th time)
Me: Nahh, I don't need to get addicted to another show. Besides, its almost an hour per episode!
Jannah: Um, it has a hot lesbian character? (after all this time she tells me)
Me: Okay-- episode one, here I come.

I also remember Rebecca asking me to watch it much earlier, and since these two people get my humor and interest, I gave episode one a try. It was amazing enough for me to be interested in episode two, and this is where I reveal my record.

My personal record. I broke my record.

What IS the record, you ask?

Hold on, I'll tell you.

Wait for it,

WAIT FOR ITTTT.....

I watched SIXTEEN (you heard me, 16) episodes of Pretty Little Liars in ONE DAY. From morning till 4 am or something. And since one episode is 40 minutes, it ate almost 12 hours of my life. Of course, I paused for breaks and stuff.

The reason I'm telling you this is because, if I am willing to wait AAAAAAAAAGESSSSSS for an episode to load, *not all, some* (Banning MEGAVIDEO/MEGASHARE has really complicated things for me) and I am neglecting my sleep for it, it has to be that good.

Besides, there are a few real good looking people, depending on your taste.

Take the character Caleb for example.

--Typical example of people I would call attractive. Just, look at the lips area. *gslakfjladjkladjkallaksdnlaskn*

But hey, why does he look like someone else I know..? Wait a minute I think I've got it. In fact I can make a combo now.

What do you get when you combine a Jerry Trainor and a Rafael Nadal?

Just take a WILLLLDDD guess. It's Tyler Blackburn, also known as the guy above this image, who plays Caleb?

...YOU DON'T SEE IT? How could you.

Okay, so back to promoting the show;

This was adapted from the book series which is even more interesting than this (more deaths perhaps) but since the whole show is about unraveling who A is, they have not followed the book.

taken from wiki:

Pretty Little Liars follows the lives of Aria Montgomery (Lucy Hale), Spencer Hastings (Troian Bellisario), Hanna Marin (Ashley Benson) and Emily Fields (Shay Mitchell), four girls whose clique falls apart after the disappearance of their queen bee, Alison DiLaurentis (Sasha Pieterse). One year later, they begin receiving messages from a mysterious figure using the name "A" who threatens to expose their secrets. At first they think it's Alison herself, but after she is found dead, the girls realize that someone else knows their secrets, — including long-hidden ones they thought only Alison knew.

The synopsis is an insult to it's awesomeness because the show is a whole bigger picture. A LOT happens in an episode. Miss one, you're sort of lost.And almost EVERY single episode ends with me having a reaction similar to this;

yep. Not even joking. So, just--watch it online or follow it through 8TV if you can every Monday. Okay, please stop looking at the picture before you start noticing my flared nostrils. (Which happens when I am scared, delirious, happy, nervous or angry.)

I said stop.