Ah, Steven Covey. You genius, you.
Being an internationally acclaimed best-seller and the fundamentals of most successful management moguls (whether they realize they emulate this or not), the foundation of school modules, the subject of motivational talks for companies, I had to give this a read, mentally prepared for the possibility that it was going to be dry and well, everything that you'd expect a self help book to be.
For context, it's a synergy of many minds' extracts, conceptualized from the 70s , a product of painstaking review of success literature as part of a doctorate program. So it's not one man's brainchild per se, but a mode to have these 'natural laws' synthesized and made accessible for people.
I was pleasantly surprised (!) because it was laden with one-liner gems and easily adaptable habits, which, if adopted, have the power to create a ripple effect of change which makes you so proud you started with the small steps. It only took three months, in between the toiling with my regular work as a litigation lawyer. But it's finally done. I will try to keep this takeaway as TLDR as possible.
The whole book is split into internal changes (Habits 1-3) which have to be worked on before you generate outward habits or changes (Habits 4-6).
Habit 1 :Be proactive.
Less complaining and more effort. Be grounded in what we CAN CONTROL versus ruminating on what we CANNOT CONTROL. Be proactive and take responsibility over your choices. In order to be effective, we must be proactive. Reactive people take a passive approach and complain, favoring blaming the mishaps on circumstances beyond their control, often having a blind spot to what was within their control, dooming themselves. Reactive people feel victimised. This shrinks their circle of influence. The positive acts we take increases the radius of our 'circle of influence' within our 'circle of concern'.
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MEMORABLE QUOTES:
- "Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose."
- "A serious problem with reactive language is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. People become reinforced in the paradigm that they are determined, and they produce evidence to support the belief. They feel increasingly victimized and out of control, not in charge of their life or their destiny. They blame outside forces- other people , circumstances, even the stars- for their own situation."
- "If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so."
- "It's not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us...our most difficult experiences become the crucibles that forge our character and develop the internal powers, the freedom to handle difficult circumstances in the future, and to inspire others to do so as well."
- "Nothing has a greater, longer-lasting impression upon another person than the awareness that someone has transcended suffering, has transcended circumstance, and is embodying and expressing a value that inspires and ennobles and lifts life."
Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind.
Start with a clear destination in mind. Use our conscience to decide what values will guide us. Evaluate the meaning behind our business and victories. Are we running purely on automatism? So the key is to have a personal 'mission statement' , whether in businesses, families or even self goals by identifying our values. Re-scripting is writing off limiting scripts and and rewriting proactive ones. Are you doing things in life which align with what you want to say about your own self at your funeral? Do you want to be able to say you were a good spouse? then are you doing the things which allow you to say that, or are you filled with negativity when you see your spouse?
What to do:
1. Visualise your own funeral- who's there, what are they saying about you? how would your priorities change if you knew you only had 30 days to live?
2. Break down different roles in your life, i.e personal, professional or community , then list 3 goals you want to achieve to meet standards set for them
3. Define what scares you - Then visualise how you would handle your situation.
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MEMORABLE QUOTES :
- "If you carefully consider what you wanted to be said of you in the funeral experience, you will find your definition of success. It may be different from the definition you thought you had in mind. Perhaps fame, achievement, money, or some of the other things we strive for are not even part of the right wall."
- "We reactively live the scripts handed to us by family, associates, other people's agendas, the pressures of circumstance-- scripts from other people's agendas, the pressures of circumstance- scripts from our earliest years, from our training, our conditioning. These scripts come from people, not principles. And they rise out of our deep vulnerabilities,, our deep dependency on others and our needs for acceptance and love, for belonging , for a sense of importance and worth, for a feeling that we matter. "
- "If my sense of security lies in my reputation or in the things I have, my life will be in a constant state of jeapordy that these posessions may be lost or stolen or devalued. If I'm in the presence of someone of greater net worth or fame or status, I feel inferior. If I'm in the presence of someone of lesser net worth or fame or status, I feel superior. My sense of self worth constantly fluctuates. I don't have any sense of constancy or anchorage or persistent selfhood. I am constantly trying to protect and insure my assets, properties, securities, position or reputation."
- "The individual who is friend or enemy centered has no instrinsic security. Feelings of self worth are volatile, a function of the emotional state or behaviour of other people. Guidance comes from the person's perception of how others will respond, and wisdom is limited by the social lens or by an enemy-centered paranoia. The individual has no power. Other people are pulling the strings."
- "Principles don't react to anything. They don't get mad and treat us differently. They won't divorce us or run away with our best friend. They aren't out to get us. They can't pave our way with shortcuts and quick fixes."
- "The personal power that comes from principle-centered living is the power of a self-aware, knowledgable, proactive individual, unrestricted by the attitudes, behaviours, and actions of others or by many of the circumstances and environmental influences that limit other people."
- "A mission statement is not something you write overnight. It takes deep introspection, careful analysis, thoughtful expression and often many rewrites to produce it in your final form."
Habit 3: Put first things first.
It's more technical and uses a 'time management matrix' but in essence, it preaches to identify your end goals and then act in ways which align with these goals. Have discipline to prioritise our day to day actions based on what is important, not what is the most urgent. Act according to values not impulses. For example you cannot say you want to be healthier but do not devote the time, this valuable resource we have, in the day to exercise, care about your nutrition, etc. Move as many items into Quadrant 2, Not Urgent but Important.
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- "The degree to which we have developed our independent will in our everyday lives is measured by our personal integrity. Integrity is, fundamentally, the value which we place on ourselves. It's our ability to walk our talk. It's honour with self, a fundamental part of the Character Ethic, the essence of proactive growth."
- "Discipline derives from disciple-- disciple to a philosophy, disciple to a set of principles, disciple to a set of values, disciple to an overriding purpose, to a superordinate goal or a person who represents that goal."
- "That subordination requires a purpose, a mission. A Habit 2 clear sense of direction and value, a burning 'yes' inside that makes it possible to say 'no' to other things."
- "Trust is the highest form of motivation. It brings out the very best in people. But it takes time and patience, and it doesn't preclude the necessity to train and develop people so that their competency can rise to the level of trust."
- "Set aside 30 minutes each week to plan your week, and watch it change your life."
Habit 4: Think Win -Win
It prescribes that nobody has to 'lose' in order for you to 'win' . Not everything has to be like a zero sum game. In order to establish effective interdependent relationships that are mutually beneficial and satisfying to each party, win-win is the answer.
4 Paradigms of human interaction:
1. Win-Lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials and personality to get their way.
2. Lose- Win people are people pleasers and seek strength from popularity and appearances.
3. Lose- Lose people are driven by their egocentric , stubborn.
4. Win-Win or no deal- If an agreement cant be reach where it's not mutually benefit, then there is no deal. It is premised on an abundant mentality or that there is enough for everyone. The more committed we are to win-win, the more powerful our influence will be.
What to do?
1. Align our reward systems with our goals and values
2. Have systems in place to support win-win - write a list of what the other person needs to win, and how you can contribute to that. Do you give more than you take, or take more than you give?
3. Deeply consider your own interaction tendencies and whether it serves you well in your relationships.
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MEMORABLE QUOTES:
- "When someone has to earn love, what's being communicated to them is that they are not intrinsically valuable or lovable. Value does not lie inside them, it lies outside."
- "Certainly we need law, otherwise, society will deteriorate. It provides survival, but it does not create synergy."
- "Some people become so centered on an enemy, so totally oblivious with the behaviour of another person that they become blind to everything except their desire for that person to lose, even if it means losing themselves. Lose/Lose is the philosophy of adversarial conflict, the philosophy of war."
- "If you value a relationship and the issue isn't really that important, you may want to go for Lose/ Win in some circumstances...'What I want isn't as important to me as my relationship with you.'"
- "What constitutes a win-what is, in fact, harmonious with our innermost values."
- "Consideration deals with the long-term welfare of the golden egg, consideration deals with the long-term welfare of the other stakeholders"
- (On the meaning of emotional maturity)"the ability to express one's own feelings and convictions balanced with consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others"
Habit 5: Seek first to Understand, then to be understood
A simple example would be , imagine you've visited an optometrist because you have troubles seeing clearly. He takes off his own pair of glasses and hands it to you , compelling you to try it because it worked for him for years. Don't prescribe solutions before you deeply understand the problem. Don't listen with intent to reply. Listen with intent to understand. It emphasises emphatic listening, being do not listen autobiographically (i.e, with our own perspective as our frame of reference) to shove your experience down someone's throat , they are not experiencing this through your lens. They want to be heard first before they require your prescription. Don't neglect the second part, seeking to be understood takes courage.
What to do:
1. Look at interactions outside of words, but body language.
2. When presenting, root it in empathy, describe the audience's point of view in great details
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MEMORABLE QUOTES:
- "Because we listen autobiographically, we tend to respond in one of four ways. We evaluate- we either agree or disagree; we probe-we ask questions from our own frame of reference; we advise- we give counsel based on our own experience; or we interpret - we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behaviour, based on our own motives and behaviour"
- "Can you see how limited we are when we try to understand another person on the basis of words alone, especially when we're looking at that person through our own glasses? Can you see how limiting our autobiographical responses are to a person who is genuinely trying to get us to understand his autobiography? You will never be able to truly step inside another person, to see the world as he sees it, until you develop the pure desire, the strength of personal character, and the positive Emotional Bank Account , as well as the emphatic listening skills to do it."
- "Describe the alternative they are in favour of better than they can themselves. Show that you understand them in depth. Then carefully explain the logic behind your request."
Habit 6: Synergy
Basically the whole is greater than the sum of parts. [1+1 = 3] Value each others' differences being the essence of synergy, i.e the mental, emotional and psychological differences between us. It serves to add to your knowledge bank. It also defines brainstorming as an evaluation being subordinated to creativity, imagination and intellectual networking.
What to do:
1. Mastering Habit 4 and 5 first, Think win-win then seek first to understand. Only then you find strength in the alternative perspectives.
2. Only then, you can synergise your desires with the other , it's both against the problem, understanding the needs, and creating a third alternative solution so there's win-win and the relationship is nurtured in the process.
3. Think about someone you hate and why he disagrees with you after you first put yourself in his shoes. The better you understand him the better you get to synergise.
4. Think of someone who you get along with. What conditions were met for synergy to be optimised in these good interactions?
MEMORABLE QUOTES
- "Nearly all creative endeavors are somewhat unpredictable. They often seem abigious, hit-or-miss, trial and error. And unless people have a high tolerance for ambiguity and get their security from integrity to principles and inner values, they find it unnerving and unpleasant to be involved in highly creative enterprises. Their need for structure, certainty and predictability is too high."
- "The person who is truly effective has the humility and reverence to recognise his own perceptual limitations and to appreciate the rich resources available through interaction with the hearts and minds of other human beings. That person values the differences because those differences add to his knowledge, to his understanding of reality. When we're left to our own experiences, we constantly suffer from a shortage of data."
Habit 7 : Sharpen the Saw
We can't find 30 minutes a day 4 times a week to go to the gym. We can't read a book 15 minutes a day to stimulate our brain. You're saying it takes too much time. But your goal would have been to be healthier and fitter, and to be smarter. This prescribes not skipping the foundations and jumping straight into the finished product because you think you're saving time. It's counter productive ! There are 4 dimensions to our nature which must be exercised often.
What to do?:
First, the physical, which requires us to eat well, exercise to benefit flexibility and strength.
Secondly, spiritually we are renewed when we have leadership in life and commits us to our value systems. Communicate with nature ! immerse in great literature !
Thirdly , mental dimension is intended to continue expanding our mind and its thresholds. We do this by journaling and reducing our unproductive screen time.
Fourth, socially helps us have meaningful connections with others- We do this by deeply understanding people, maintaining an abundance mentality.
MEMORABLE QUOTES:
- "A good exercise program is one that you can do in your own home and one that will build your body in three areas: endurance, flexibility and strength."
- "The essence of renewing the physical dimension is to sharpen the saw, to exercise our bodies on a regular basis in a way that will preserve and enhance our capacity to work and adapt and enjoy"
- "To him, prayer was not a mechanical duty but rather a source of power in releasing and multiplying his energies."
- "Where does intrinsic security come from? It doesn't come from what other people think of us or how they treat us. It doesn't come from the scripts they've handed us. It doesn't come from our circumstances or position. It comes from within. It comes from accurate paradigms and correct principles deep in our own mind and heart. It comes from inside-out congruence, from living a life of integrity in which our daily habits reflect our deepest values."
- "This is the true joy in life- that being used for a purpose recognised by yourself as a mighty one...It's sort of splendid torch which I've got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."
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Some OTHER memorable quotes for me from the book:
- (On how perceptions are formed) "It taught me that we must look at the lens through which we see the world, as well as at the world we see, and that the lens itself shapes how we interpret the world"
- "The success literature of the past 50 years was superficial- it was filled with social image consciousness techniques and quick fixes - with social Band Aids and aspirin that addressed acute problems and sometimes even appeared to solve them temporarily, but left the underlying chronic problems untouched to fester and resurface time and time again"
- "Many people with secondary greatness- that is, social recognition for their talents - lack primary greatness or goodness in their character. Sooner or later, you'll see this in every long-term relationship they have, whether it is with a businessman associate, a spouse, a friend, or a teenage child going through an identity crisis. It is character that communicates most eloquently. ... What you are shouts so loudly that I cannot hear what you say"
- (On the idea that there is more than one way to look at things that neither has to be "wrong". It's being open and receptive to another's idea. )"The more bound a person is by the initial perception, the more powerful the "Aha!" experience is, It's as though a light were suddenly turned on inside"
- "We can only achieve quantum improvements in our lives as we quit hacking at the leaves of attitude and behaviour and get to work on the root, the paradigms from which our attitudes and behaviours flow."
- "Principles are not values. A gang of thieves can share values, but they are in violation of the fundamental principles we're talking about. Principles are the territory. Values are maps. When we value correct principles, we have a truth- a knowledge of things as they are...The more closely our maps or paradigms are aligned with these principles or natural laws, the more accurate and functional they will be."
- "Borrowing strength builds weakness...And what happens when the source of borrowed strength - be it superior size or physical strength, position, authority, credentials, status symbols, appearance or past achievements -changes or is no longer there?"
- Albert Einstein observed, 'The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them'
- "The inside out approach says that private victories precede public victories, that making and keeping promises to ourselves precedes making and keeping promises to others."
TLDR:
This is one of those reads which altered my brain's chemicals, thought process and structures. Would recommend people to read, annotate and apply this in their daily lives through the guided journal workbook that you can find in a bookstore.