2017 in a nutshell

2017 started off with a bang. ;)

From the first half an hour of it I knew it was going to be a different year, the kind that leaves a mark. And today, with one day left, I can safely say the battlescars are there.

In no particular order;

-I felt snow (kinda)
for the first time !

-I visited new countries and places like Italy (Verona), London, Bristol, Bath, Pembrokeshire, London again, Netherlands (Amsterdam) before returning to good ol' Malaysia. And suddenly my reality became different.

- I learned what it means to have a group of friends who have grown to be like family. How everyone can be such different people and vibe nonetheless. And that just because you don't see each other all the time, the choice to patch things up lies with you.

- I learned that sometimes you could wait your entire life for one big moment and things will not turn out the way you imagined at all but it should not take away the significance of that moment.

- I graduated.

-I left Aberystwyth for good. 
*a moment of silence*

- I took the most OOTD/Full body shots of me in countless variations, and I'm happy because I'm only youthful once. I want to remember it.

- I learned how to spend money on my happiness and how it's okay to not save for rainy days are important but if you only live life that way, you aren't enjoying the sunshine when it's there.

- I gained a lot of weight and you know what, it's okay . So the person who was obsessed with getting fit and staying in shape was a phase after all. I feel beautiful in the clothes I wear. I have much longer hair now and I've learned to embrace femininity.

- I have met new people online, I learned who can vibe with me and who cannot. I don't have the energy to change everyone's mind into what I think I am. But I have yet again been reminded of the old people who have remained a constant , who took the time to give me a great birthday :)

- I joined a speech competition again after ages, and I got third place .

- I started the new phase of my life, *cue scary music* ...the CLP. And in the process, took my first real steps into a legal career by working in a firm. Doing both is not easy .

- I embarked on countless adventures with Shanella . From inventing new recipes, to grocery shopping together, to cigarette breaks in 12 degree weather, to sharing deep seeded secrets and life stories, to discovering new music, to the pick up lines she's inspired,  to just meeting up even though we live on opposite ends, to getting piss drunk in Bangsar, to getting lost in the woods in darkness, visiting Malta and Italy together, to once-in-a-blue-moon studying, to the thousand and one fights we have over anything and everything, to the morning moodiness until she gets her nice hot coffee--muddled with my need to get up and get organised and productive straight away, to her being reserved while I'm an open book ; She just puts up with my worst , and I have nothing but both appreciation and awe at how we're friends.

There were some rough times too , the worst in fact-- but this year was a gift. It taught me lessons, it brought me people and it changed me. What. A. Ride.

Dear future kid,

Hello, bubba. It's mummy.

I haven't met you. Heck, I haven't even found someone I'd even like to make you with, but I know that I've been wanting you for as long as I knew what babies really were. I have been thinking of all the names I could give you, since I was 12. When I was 14, I had a school desk vandalised with names which begin with the letter 'A'. The concept of an English sounding name followed by an indian name and whatever the surname of your daddy is.

The names that have stuck since ? Aryshan if you're a boy, and Arshna if you're a girl.

Who knows, you might grow up to resent it when you get older. But I promise to try and find you more unique, exotic names which you will not cringe at. Because honey, your name is...your brand. And I want to give you a brand which epitomises success and style. As I type this, I am thinking about how I always, always pass by stores and imagine all the cool clothes I would dress you in. I foresee a lot of denim , because it never goes out of style. Beanies, little brown boots, tank tops, cargo shorts, or mid-length hair on my little boy would be a dream come true. I will buy you all the cool things that I've grown up wanting but could not get.

This does not mean I will spoil you rotten to the point that you can turn around and tell me one day I am just buying your love and you turn into an ungrateful little -----.  You have to learn and understand that any point of time, mummy takes so, so much to get where she is *(or will be, one day). And it's very important that you learn what hard work is. Even though I will do all I can to try and give you an easy life, I also want your life to have meaning. I want you to know that it's a blessing to have meals on the table, the skateboard/treehouse/bicycle/air-conditioned, personalised room you have, and so many people can only dream of have something close.  I want you to know, bubs that I  love you with all my heart, but I am a little skeptical about the idea of smartphones, laptop and tablets so early because I would never want you to use them to escape communication, confrontation or dealing with the difficulties of life. I would never want you to grow up feeling self-entitled. This means I am going to have to hit you when you are being extremely naughty, ungrateful or rude. It might break my heart to do this but discipline and respect is important.

Ah, communication.

There will be a lot of that heading your way, because in our household, we talk about our feelings. If something makes us unhappy, and why. We talk to each other if we are scared, or if we need space. We talk about why we want what we want. We talk about what food we like or hate. And my baby boy/girl, I promise, I will listen. I will act on them if what you want isn't unreasonable. I will be your biggest cheerleader in life. I will push you to achieve things which you did not think you could. I will never want you to be a fake version of yourself around me, because individuality and expression is important.

Now that I have expressed my hopes and dreams for you, It's time for me to apologise. I am so sorry we live in such a distorted version of life, where it's important to parade our happiness and fortune on social media or else it did not happen, and not doing that makes you feel inadequate or less than your friends. For the memes, music and toys which there is nothing either of us can do about. I am sorry that by the time you're 15, to be this epitome of success and style you'd need to fulfill the heavy expectations of all those around you;

Your grades need to be above average so that you don't feel like you're stupid,
You can't wear the same pair of clothes too many times, and of course you'd want to stay in trend,
You might want to impress your first crush but she's just not into you,
You gotta hide the fact that you care about things like marine biology/dinosaurs/english/the violin because to excessively care does not fit into the 'cool' filter,
You gotta know what songs or movies the others are listening to , to have some common ground of conversation,
You gotta have been places ,
You gotta look good so you'd need to devote your time to working out and eating right,
You gotta be musically inclined,
You also gotta read and be aware of recent/current issues

But it's okay if you're not all of this. It's okay. You'll get there on your terms.

And baby I will try not to become one of those workaholic moms . I never had a younger sibling to practice taking care of someone with , and I never really took a great fondness for any other babies I have come across before. I have always felt like a lack of authority with any kid. I am not the one these kids will call 'akka' or 'chechi'. It's odd to even imagine. Instead, I will try to be one of those moms who can be your friend. There are certain things I might want to live out through you, passions. This involves signing up for dance classes/art class/guitar or piano class. I only hope that when the time comes I know when to take a step back from all that pushing and let you have an actual life where you can make your own choices. These are just some of my preferences.

Honey, it is not important that you are the smartest kid in your class as much as it is important for you to be the kid who speaks his/her mind , knows what is going on in the world, has a good understanding of his/her roots and culture. These are all more than I can ask for, and this to me, are things you don't get taught from books. I also am against the notion of private school because I think public school is important for you to see what the real world is like, for you to fully gage the concept of diversity so don't hate me for it. I would never send you to boarding school.

I love you so much already , and I can already see how you will be my most prized possession (I don't say this in an objectifying manner). My dream come true, my passion and my love. It is not going to be an easy journey to live with me , just as , I can tell, if you're anything like me, you're going to be difficult to live with. But you're worth it.

Love,
Mum.