Don't open your mouth if you can't open your mind.

I hate when people proclaim themselves to be open minded but in reality they judge everyone and everything that is different from them, instead of understanding and appreciating that people are diverse by nature.

If someone wears a skirt in public with slightly bigger thighs it doesn't make them an attention seeking ho'.

If someone does not smile at you when you smile at them, they could be having a bad day, or be caught up in their thoughts, they are not stuck up.  If you're only giving smiles so you receive them then you're fooling yourself by thinking you're 'just being nice' cause you are clearly expecting something in return.

If someone wants to try a bold lipstick colour they aren't just doing it for attention. They may want to express their individuality. And that in itself is beautiful.

While the conventional view is that long hair is beautiful, support your ladies if they want to try something new and cut their hair however the hell they want it. It does not make it ugly by fact just because YOU think it is.

If someone is bisexual and is suddenly interested in someone of the opposite gender it does not make them ' coming back to the right path' or 'I'm so happy for you, there is no future if otherwise!'. Accepting someone's sexual orientation means you would be equally happy for them eitherway not deny half of them and only accept the parts of them you like. Then call yourself open minded.

Screw you.

It isn't the bigotry I have an issue with; because that has existed since the dawn of mankind. I have a problem with these same people calling themselves 'open minded'.

Leap.

Once in a blue moon, my eyes wander in pursuit of a partner in crime.


However, the reality of people eventually leaving is so terrifying it prevents me from taking that leap of faith.

"Oh , Amelia it must be that time of the month again. Shut up, focus on your goals."

And just like that the feeling is dismissed.
But not for long.

Then I see, a cover of some pop song by some couple. They don't sing that well but they seem to really enjoy doing something they like with each other.

Then I see, a toddler walking in the mall, dressed so age-appropriately trendy, hand in hand with her equally fashionable mom , in her early 30s. And I imagine all the ways I would dress and spoil my daughter.

Then I see, a modest couple on instagram. Not the annoying kinds where 90% of post are each other , but views of the beach , an aesthetically pleasing photograph of milo ais in the mamak, the turquoise and black pair of Nikes she'd wear to hike hills, stay-home dates binge-watching sitcoms and the only evidence you have that they were doing those together was from the tags. They don't photograph each other, you just see the view of what they see.

And suddenly, it dawns on me that people accept the reality that nothing is permanent. It scares everyone; yet they make the best of what is already existent before them. The mistake I repeatedly make (and probably will continue to make) is to plan for a future. And live so much in there, that the present feels under-appreciated.

So if an opportunity presents itself now, Would it be time for that leap yet?

"...Amelia, seriously. Your exams are 18 days away. What are you doing."

I don't care.

There are three kinds of "I don't care".

One where you compose a lengthy rant on a journal, facebook status or an equivalent online platform describing exactly what you  "don't care" about, coupled with a sharing of quotes which capture the essence of empowerment and moving on.

One where you "don't care" because you're so consumed with the idea that karma will serve it's purpose. Correction. Karma isn't enough. Like , You hope karma finds its soulmate, they have a couple of kids, and the multiplicity of karma shows up with a smug face.

Then there's one where, with time,  you don't even care if karma got to serve it's purpose, your thoughts don't wrap around anything regarding  the person who wronged you at all; and you realize that all the energy is better channeled to improving the quality of your own life.




--I think, with age and experience, there will come a point where the two stages are just fast-forwarded and you only feel the third stage in all its glory. Soon, nothing matters as much. And there isn't even a single attributable source it stems from. It's just, the puberty of the previously budding cynicism I guess?

18 things I did during my 4 month break.

When I started this year, I was coming from a not-so-good place. I never want to return to that or remember how that felt. But I remember this much. The first day of 2015, I made a conscious promise to myself, written proof of which is contained in my diary;

"I must promise myself to improve the quality of my life." 

At the time I had written that, I did not really know how to do that, or whether or not it was possible. Being occupied with studies and all that, I kind of neglected my promise. But my exams finished mid-May, and since school was only starting mid-September, that left me with four months to do everything I wanted to do but pushed off because 'NO TIME'.


1. First things first, I cut my hair short. The last time I had that length was about 7 years ago. "WHY?" Because I feel like whenever I have ended a major chapter or am about to begin a new one, I do something to my hair. And this time, it was the beginning of something . I knew I wanted to take charge of my life and fill the blank pages with colours.

2. I watched a shitload of TV series. Some got me laughing, which was what I needed, some got me learning, and some got me thinking. Either way, it was the perfect way to make me feel like I was doing something with my life, when in actual fact I was sitting down terkangkang on my computer chair.

3. I started working out, real intense. I feel like I can write a manual on 'how-to-look-like-you-know-what-you're-doing-in-a-gym-when-you-really-don't'. Results were evident, because 80% of the conversations I had with people who were seeing me for the first time in a long time begin with 'OMG STOP LOSING WEIGHT!'.

And before you jump on the 'shame-the-superficial-slut' bandwagon, I did not do this to seduce any guy or impress anyone. I just had a goal for myself, and wanted to get it accomplished. I am finally (more than) happy what I see in the mirror, and that's a lot more than most people can say for themselves.

4. I developed a newfound attraction to humility, gratitude, kindness and simplicity and am now working on integrating it into my lifestyle. Those who knew me before would find this change perplexing. I painted my walls for me to look at the moment I wake up, a D-I-Y project which was rather impulsive.


5. I used the time to meet a lot of friends and go out for breakfast, lunch or tea dates. My support system is really helping me out, without it I would just crumble. While on the topic of friends, I also MADE a whole lot of  new friends.


6. I finally got me a legit part time job in hipster-central a.k.a Typo. I don't know how that happened, but I would consider myself lucky. It definitely taught me a thing or two about gratitude, how a simple; "have a nice day, darling" or a smile can make the entire day seem better, or how to have the guts to talk to people first instead of waiting to be spoken to.


7. Found myself on Tinder as uh,... part of a.....social experiment. (Does that make it any less facepalm-worthy?) Although a lot of my time's spent left swiping, my right swipes did not disappoint. And yes, I know how to be careful, tyvm. ♥


8. Did a whole lot of reading. Be it literature , or the newspaper. I knew I wanted to improve my vocabulary kaw-kaw so that I will someday not have to use 'kaw-kaw' and establish my class with words like 'temerity' and 'meretricious' , lol. I loved all the books I read, one of which was written by the very same person who taught me Public Law and Common Law.

9. Joined this 'Aloft Star MTV' competition and somehow awkward-hobbled my way to  become a finalist of a song-composing competition which validates that sometimes being my quirky ol' self pays off. I swear I had no intention of making it that far but when I did get that far I started thinking about just how much further I could go if I pushed for it. Granted, I didn't make it far enough to secure Top 5 or win but 11k votes (6th place) for an absolute nobody is a lot to me. And that paved the way for a whole bunch of other songs I composed but will not record because ....malu la.

10. Attempted to learn how to swim but cannot for the life of me get over the fact that being down means you can't breath. I will get over this one day, I know. Just not soon. I want to learn how to swim!!

11. Went sort-of-clubbing and drinking in Changkat for the first time. Would not have done it with anybody else but my cousins. And I am so glad I'm not one of those emotional Devdas-drunks. I just start laughing at a whole lot of things that normally wouldn't be funny. And I get a little more touchy feely. Which could be a hazardous thing.


12. Tried out this casting thing for some BAC ad. The fact that I was standing in front of a green screen with a camera on me was...exciting. I don't even care if I got the part ! ;)


13. Went for my first concert, tickets won from dancing. Went with the right people. The experience was fun. Just that, it's not ideal for claustrophobic farts like myself.

14. Did a whole lot of dancing. Some routines as part of exercise, others as part of poyo. Runs through my veins.

15. Did a whole lot of writing. It's like for MONTHS my journal is empty, then come these holidays it's filled with thoughts and rants about everything going on around me. If I die one day, I want to be buried with my journals. All 7 of them to date.

16. Did a whole lot of shopping. Naturally when I feel like I am surrounded by new things I feel more energized to propagate change in my life. Retail therapy can sometimes be a great thing. But in moderation lah. Although that would be difficult, because tell me how not to utilize a staff discount in friggin Typo !?

17. Visited new places. In KL itself. Made me feel like a tourist in my own country.

18. Got a chance to jump in a bouncy castle when I was working for this carnival. It was a lot of fun.