The balancing act

How many times do I have to hurt like this before I become accustomed to the pain? They tell you to talk it out but what if your confidante is the source of pain, or by telling--you put the people you care about in a worse off position than they already are?

The battle becomes to tell and free yourself at the expense of your loved ones' worry or to keep silent and hurt yourself? One bullet. Use it on them or yourself ?

I'm done with feeling like a tool to mediate others' joy but must painfully accept the reality that nobody will ever really be down for me half the way I can be for them. I am done with throwing myself a pity party too. I  want to be heard but anyone who hears comes to the conclusion that it's not that big of a deal or at least makes it sound that way. Then I end up double the level of hurt because it's from the people I don't expect it to come from. I wish I could eliminate my need to be validated by the people that I love.

So much negative energy accumulating in my heart. It is rising up to my head and impairing the way I deal with situations, or interact with those whom I really care about. I wish my plate were bigger to accommodate everything I want to put on it. NEED. Need to put on it.

Preserving ideas.

We think important thoughts everyday; Some get written, get expanded on. Some of them get forgotten and cannot be recalled. Some get shut down. The latter is a real shame, really.

Imagine all the dead ideas which could have revolutionized the world. Perhaps a new film, a book plot , a new sound , genre of music, a way of making someone feel important. Or something as generic as a to-do list. (pfft)

People lack the confidence to feel, to express. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that there are standards propagated for everything.

Relationship goals. Dance goals. Eyebrow goals. Booty goals. Dad goals. Ab goals. How you should look in specs. What shade of beige is ideal. So prominent, so critical, so influential that it's hard to, they have the nerve to tell you, 'just do you'.

I think it's great when people encourage someone else's ideas. I think it's sad when someone thinks something they are about to say is stupid or not worth discussion because everyone around them has shown them nothing but criticism and unrealistic ideals to live up to. Kudos to the people who make a conscious effort to do just that :)

*internet hugs*

Traits

I'm a poser, a little bit dramatic. I suffer from a self-confidence deficit and narcissistic surplus simultaneously; I care about beauty and appearance a lot more than I wish I did, am often completely disorganized to the point that the people in my life intervene (whether voluntary or not) to help put things in perspective. I overthink well into the future and about things I could have changed in the past. I tend to act in condescending ways to mask how lowly I view myself and not many people have the patience to deal with this. I enjoy arguing with people because that's my way of showing love. (just ask my mom) However, my intense arguments may be interpreted as liking to 'pick a fight' or unable to accept defeat.  I'd always expect the people around me to take care of me. I am fussy about who I would consider dating not because I think I am all that, but once I fall for someone I get extremely vulnerable and crumble at the slightest hint of this person walking out of my life like many have done before. Dealing with me requires a number of things. (although I wish people did not have to 'deal' with me but genuinely accept all the little hurdles that came along with all the good stuff.)

You see, I'm well aware of these flaws. But on the other end of the spectrum, I'm also aware of the traits which make me a valuable friend. I'm loyal as fuck, I'm honest, I'd do a lot for someone who places trust in me. I'd give twice as much as I receive if I see you as genuine. I'll reciprocate your humor and make you blush from my inappropriate pick up lines, which if you were my friend,--will probably be the test subject for. I'll pause my shows for you if you mean enough and remind you of your worth when you feel like a useless speck of dust in a big universe of other more important, prioritized things. 

I'll say yes to almost all your crazy plans just so we'd have a story to tell about our lives--such as going outside in a sleeveless dress at 3 am in negative temperatures; or dancing in a public mall, rapping in a grocery store isle, kissing people in a game of truth or dare, using a line on an attractive stranger then casually walking away, telling you twisted on-the-spot made up stories that keep you up at night, styling you up, teaching you fun ways to workout, make conversation using only my facial expressions, explain my passions and never ending ideas, push you past your perceived limit when it comes to patience/discipline/confidence. I'll tell you as much stories as I'll give you. I'll make you think . I will make you write. Feel. Communicate.
 
These apply for those who have known and then made a decision to exit my life. But. LIKE.

 What I don't get, are people who don't know anything about me yet have issues with me . I know we aren't supposed to care about irrelevant people who do not form your inner circle nor please everyone but it just makes me curious.What did I do to you? Are you cognitive abilities so impaired that you hear stories or rumors and instantly believe them based on your own biases?

*psychology reference, whuddup! * 

I'm only human to be feeling affected by this. The people around me have shown me more of what not to compromise for. Traits which are always going to be embedded deep within my fibres ; traits which not everyone will necessarily be a fan of, but I'll still have to keep --because that's me. But hey If it isn't worth your time then I can't make you stay in my life anymore. I can only apologise if friendship with me was at any point unpleasant or toxic.

Thanks Haish .

Throwback to turning twenty one.

Sometimes I wonder what I mean to people. What role I play in their life. What significant difference it would bring if I just backed out of theirs. It's a good feeling to be valued, and I'm unashamed to admit. It also takes conscious effort to stand out among mediocre friends. An effort I willingly put in, just so I won't be a fading name or face. In that regard, it's also become increasingly awkward to show someone just how much they are valued these days.

With sexuality being an increasingly fluid concept, the line between romantic and platonic can be very easily blurred. That's exactly why birthdays mean so much. It's when you can be all sappy and get away with it. I always viewed turning 21 as, a big deal. Because it's the age of partying, recklessness within limits, sex, relationships, adulthood, driving, planning early stages of career, graduation, etc. Disappointingly, I've come to realise how a lot of these things terrify me and that nothing was supposed to have 'already happened' by 21 like a deadline. Some take longer to adult and that's okay. At least that's what I tell myself.

The older I get the more I feel that valuable things don't come with price tags. If you think about it, it's some of the most simple gestures, such as, a card, a video, a photo album, or a genuinely written letter. I don't think it's a secret how much I love writing. But, having someone write TO ME, now--that's a bombshell.  In fact, I value them so much that I don't even touch cards or letters I receive that much . Because they wrote that letter having in mind that I like these things.

I was just revisiting my 21st birthday photots. It was a very nice one for me (though I can't say that the day had the same effect for everyone) and it really opened my eyes as to who would go the extra mile for me. I appreciate everyone who made an effort to make it a nice day. I have never had a 'surprise' birthday party  thrown for me so I definitely feel blessed.

(some gifts ended up being consumed, oops)

 Thank you guys, for allowing this to happen . Much love. <3 and="" br="" gratitude.="" much="" of="" so="">