Existential milestone.

For the longest time, my 'mission statement' was to do my parents proud. And I would like to think, to this day, that's what I've managed to do by maintaining my grades to the best of my abilities. But over time I realised, if that comes at the expense of my mental health, I need to sit down and evaluate if it is worth it. Because if I am being honest, my parents never put pressure on me to succeed. It was just my persistence on improving my life's circumstances, and keeping up to some 'brand' I've managed to create  (i.e bold, opinionated, eccentric, cat lady who kept her grades in check) that drove me to the brink of decay.

So that's what coming to Aber was about. Telling myself sometimes it's okay to be less than perfect. And actually believing it. Loving myself. Learning to find a passion and interest which does not revolve around some grade. To learn how to be street smart and adapt from difficult circumstances--not just sit down in shock and wallow in self pity. By learning to travel and opening my mind to the different ways which people live, think, and have different standards of right and wrong, this place has arguably *foofed* some new life into me.

Of all the great things my parents have done for me, giving me an overseas education is what I am most grateful for. I can say with deeper conviction that the law field is where my true passion lies. Today, I can say that I am proud of all I've done for myself. Regardless if it fascinates anyone else. I can say that me, little-miss-play-by-the-rules , did things I did not think I would do, lived life so outside the constraints of a plan, gained weight I worked so hard to lose in the past, .... and survived.

You cannot put a price on something like that.
 It's just a feeling of accomplishment.
 Something like an existential milestone. 

Fake people .

"Look. I don't like you and I don't want to pretend to smile at you or be happy to see you". 
Said nobody ever.

Instead, the more preferred course of action would be to fake. In the name of being 'civil'. It's a pretty clear cut situation.

You do not like someone's instagram profile because they are too self-absorbed, you stop following them! Not subject yourself to further annoyance every time something is posted then laugh about them.

You don't like someone's voice or music? You just stop playing the video! not make an effort to watch the entire thing, intentionally diss and discredit every compliment they receive , or show it around and laugh about it.

You don't like what someone did to you? You tell THEM! instead of the ten other people who did not even know what the matter is, in order to get their vote on your side to support your bigoted opinion and validate it as being right without hearing two sides of the story.

You don't like what someone is wearing because it is too revealing or outrageous by your standards? well plot twist , the clothes are not on YOU ! :) you would not be able to pull it off half as good anyway.

But no. 

Monophobia

Monophobia is the fear of being alone. If I had to dissect what exactly is terrifying about it I can't put my finger on it. Is it something I attribute to being the youngest child and needing to feel heard/important/be checked up on constantly because that is how it always just was? It's not a one way street because I always give that to people. But I've learned that there are more people out there who are not wired that way. It does not make them bad. In fact, my presence in their life is refreshing because nobody has taken that much time to put their well being above anything. However, even though I wanted to deny it at first--doing all of that makes me want to receive a little in return. 

It's not like I never had it. There were people who would go above and beyond for me. What did I do about it? I took it for granted. I did not stop to think that the kindness was a conscious CHOICE made by people even when they did not have to. I did not open my eyes to how difficult I could be especially when I get into a condescending mode to win an argument which I should have let it slip by. Or make them make decisions for me because of how indecisive I can get, even for the smallest or most annoying things. Or how I would call them up mid-anxiety attack to just bring me back to the verge of normalcy.

But sometimes, even when I throw tantrums and want more than anything for someone to be there ( Not just anybody because I am picky about who I connect with--the list is rather short) it hurts when I can sense that the other person does not even want to be there. The hurt is so immense, that suddenly dealing with the monophobia is not an unattractive option. When interactions have to be forced, when you can read dissatisfied or bored expressions, when you start hearing less about their day, when suddenly they get busy constantly -- coincidentally at the time when you are falling apart and just need to be in the presence of someone or something which feels safe.

You do not want to be selfish and ASK for them to be there against their own free will but you NEED someone genuine to just hug, smile at, say the first thing running on the top of your mind, have meals with-- and this need is magnified when your own "home" feels anything but. So is this called being emotionally dependent? Maybe. But maybe , just maybe , the world needs people like me because what world would it be if everyone turned stone cold as a defence mechanism to not get hurt by people's actions. Perhaps this is just the downsides which come with all the love and entertainment , lol.

When faith becomes self-harm.

If something is not right and you merely cling on to the hope that it 'will get better' some day either by a given date or an uncertain one, (which is worse) I personally think that it's a form of self harm.  Faith, while great , cannot operate if it is sustained on so little. An emotional mess is horrible because while everything might be running according to plan, on time, to the best of capabilities, something just feels off. Missing. All the things which used to seem very fun, loses its appeal.

To talk to someone with the same sentiments might sway the conclusion towards suicidal tendencies.

To talk to someone who has not been on the same boat, might provoke sympathy but not empathy. They just won't get it.

To open up to parents would ellicit confusion because there are bigger responsibilities to tend to.

To be so far away from everything which feels safe or like a hug; then paradoxically be immersed in unfamiliar, unsafe waters is like having a phobia of drowning then having the person you trust force your head underwater and tell you 'It's for your own good'. So will things be right? I don't know. But they tell you it works out when you do not care so much about it. But does it not suggest you've given up on it when you don't care so much about it? So what's the point of things getting better when it does not matter anymore?