I think people take the ability to just endure a normal day and breathe with ease for granted. Things are not great for me, and if in the process , talking about this is going to put me on a hot seat, I could not care less because I don't even want to be alive anymore .This is going to be a rant post. Don't say I didn't warn you.
*It's a series of wrongs, which at first start of innocent and small, but they pile up, and in conjunction, threaten to topple me over this thin line I'm balancing on.*
I have not been able to fall asleep since I got back from UK, and just when I think I do, there's the vague sounds of the azan in the background telling me it's the time when other people's days are about to begin. Even on days when I am 'sleeping' , it isn't proper sleep and the slightest sound or light can wake me up. When I DO fall asleep at let's say 6am, I wake up at like 3 pm and conseqently get such little hours of daylight before the day ends and a cycle of un-productivity repeats. If the suggested remedy is to not think , and if it was by some divine grace, that easy, then maybe I would not even go to people with this problem I have in the first place. But it isn't . In fact when I am trying to sleep I am not even thinking about much, it's subconscious.
I have not been to church in over a month, because when I eventually DO fall asleep it's well past 5 am, and I have no energy to wake up at 9 am to go to church, because I would be in a horrible mood, where I feel like stabbing everyone right in the heart even for smiling at me. Honestly, sometimes I feel like it's more about the breakfast before mass than it is about the mass itself. It feels like a task to check off the 'to-do' list, and it makes me angry when people preach about love in the church then the moment they leave it shout profanities at the next driver who tries to enter their lane.
I feel like people wants 'in' on my life when it's good and when I'm funny and entertaining (which, to be fair, is a lot of times) but when I'm close to throwing in the towel and I'm crumbling, feeling like absolute shit and turning around to find SOMEONE to rely on, there is almost nobody there. It is a strange coincidence that everyone is going through something equally big in their lives to give a shit about me. Which brings me to this memory of someone telling me everyone is too selfish in enjoying their happiness that they do not want to be part of your sadness.
I moved to a new environment to study in to hopefully find some new friends or join clubs. It was a scary decision because I have always enjoyed the comfort and security of a group of friends. The move to the new campus meant I stood alone; yet I wanted to immerse myself in an uncomfortable situation to 'grow'. One month and a dozen acquaintances later, I can say that it's been a month which fell completely short of my expectations because everyone already has their cliques and who I am as a person does not fit into any of these circles. I did not think I wanted to make the mistake of changing who I am just to fit into a group and belong. So I am doing this 'alone' thing, and it's...to put briefly, very, very difficult.
I feel a lot like 'The untalkative bunny' where life carries on in pindrop silence, no matter where I am, be it at home, in school or even amidst people because the mess in my head have no direct solutions. I am in such a state where I am so easily hurt and vulnerable by people's words or actions that there has been a lot of conflict between me and anybody immediate in my life. Hence the best cause of action is to withdraw myself/stay away. There is so much to speak about, conversations which don't even get to pan out because there is nobody who would genuinely appreciate talking about my interests. There is nobody home on mornings, and five-eight hour classes do not exactly give me room to socialise.
I feel like some extremely poor financial decisions have been made and the brunt of the impact is on me. The home is filled with mess stored in the form of storage boxes in the name of being 'tidy' . I have just been trying to sort out mess since I came home. I had asked only for the bare minimal standard of upgrade which I felt would have benefited everyone, instead, I am made to feel like I am 'demanding' , 'unreasonable' and a 'terrorist', who just wants to mess up the order of how things are. There are so many things I feel could be sold, thrown away, weeded out-- but it appears that sitting in mess/disrepair is comfort to other people and I AM UNREASONABLE for suggesting change.
I did not get to have closure with my life abroad because so many things went wrong towards the end, and I was constantly holding it together even when I could not have done so, because any other way would have made the experience even more unpleasant than it was for me. I sensed a lot of hate and discomfort for a place and culture which had thought me what freedom really was. I was restricted from exploring places I wanted to explore on a 'holiday' under the guise of 'safety'. I had no real picture of me even graduating, And it appeared that my graduation was no biggie to the people who came to witness it-- the next immediate concern was whether clothes had been packed accordingly instead. And sadly, closure is not something you get to pluck from mid air. I will have to live with the fact that I was so, fucking alone in my post-graduation celebration while everyone was out with their families just basking in the moment it happened for them.
I don't drive or have a car to practice with. I also do not have a source of income to pay for Grab Cars to go where I want to go, and even if I did, everybody ELSE who I'd like to meet is busy studying/working/dealing with SOME shit. Which, read in line with staying where I stay, and in a house which is empty from morning till late evening, is close to being in prison. Except maybe in prison people speak to each other.
I feel really shitty about my worsening vision. I wish there were something I could do to repair the poor eyesight I have because I hate wearing specs all the time even to just watch the telly at home too. I did not need to do that before. I also don't have the cash to buy contact lenses. Even putting eyedrops is dreadful, like how do I tuck something in my eyeball??! :/
It's only been the first month since studies resumed and the bulk of content is overwhelming. Clearly my consistent study plans are not working out , because with all the other mess that's going on, I could open a book, read about 5 pages and realise I had not absorbed anything at all. 40 percent passing rate and only nine months to get this shit right would translate to yet another dead end.
It appears to be a recurring pattern that I get really close to people then we fade out , and I am not supposed to take it personally. Unfortunately, I have feelings. And I feel everything with so much intensity, especially hurt--, that I feel like ripping my heart out and telling it to behave, and not get so attached to people.
A lot of the hurt can be diluted if I was just a little more comfortable with solitude, which is why I am thinking about how moving back to the KL campus would be to fall on a safety blanket and not deal with the difficult circumstances before me. I need, more than anything, to learn how to embrace the pindrop silence. To dissect my thoughts and dispose of anything toxic . Social media detox, deal with the hurt and not shun it away, To forgive myself for the past. To accept that maybe not everytime it is my fault. Timing and circumstances don't allow for someone to just sit down and get me. And stay. Everyone leaves.
I'm at breaking point. Breaking point.
*It's a series of wrongs, which at first start of innocent and small, but they pile up, and in conjunction, threaten to topple me over this thin line I'm balancing on.*
I have not been able to fall asleep since I got back from UK, and just when I think I do, there's the vague sounds of the azan in the background telling me it's the time when other people's days are about to begin. Even on days when I am 'sleeping' , it isn't proper sleep and the slightest sound or light can wake me up. When I DO fall asleep at let's say 6am, I wake up at like 3 pm and conseqently get such little hours of daylight before the day ends and a cycle of un-productivity repeats. If the suggested remedy is to not think , and if it was by some divine grace, that easy, then maybe I would not even go to people with this problem I have in the first place. But it isn't . In fact when I am trying to sleep I am not even thinking about much, it's subconscious.
I have not been to church in over a month, because when I eventually DO fall asleep it's well past 5 am, and I have no energy to wake up at 9 am to go to church, because I would be in a horrible mood, where I feel like stabbing everyone right in the heart even for smiling at me. Honestly, sometimes I feel like it's more about the breakfast before mass than it is about the mass itself. It feels like a task to check off the 'to-do' list, and it makes me angry when people preach about love in the church then the moment they leave it shout profanities at the next driver who tries to enter their lane.
I feel like people wants 'in' on my life when it's good and when I'm funny and entertaining (which, to be fair, is a lot of times) but when I'm close to throwing in the towel and I'm crumbling, feeling like absolute shit and turning around to find SOMEONE to rely on, there is almost nobody there. It is a strange coincidence that everyone is going through something equally big in their lives to give a shit about me. Which brings me to this memory of someone telling me everyone is too selfish in enjoying their happiness that they do not want to be part of your sadness.
I moved to a new environment to study in to hopefully find some new friends or join clubs. It was a scary decision because I have always enjoyed the comfort and security of a group of friends. The move to the new campus meant I stood alone; yet I wanted to immerse myself in an uncomfortable situation to 'grow'. One month and a dozen acquaintances later, I can say that it's been a month which fell completely short of my expectations because everyone already has their cliques and who I am as a person does not fit into any of these circles. I did not think I wanted to make the mistake of changing who I am just to fit into a group and belong. So I am doing this 'alone' thing, and it's...to put briefly, very, very difficult.
I feel a lot like 'The untalkative bunny' where life carries on in pindrop silence, no matter where I am, be it at home, in school or even amidst people because the mess in my head have no direct solutions. I am in such a state where I am so easily hurt and vulnerable by people's words or actions that there has been a lot of conflict between me and anybody immediate in my life. Hence the best cause of action is to withdraw myself/stay away. There is so much to speak about, conversations which don't even get to pan out because there is nobody who would genuinely appreciate talking about my interests. There is nobody home on mornings, and five-eight hour classes do not exactly give me room to socialise.
I feel like some extremely poor financial decisions have been made and the brunt of the impact is on me. The home is filled with mess stored in the form of storage boxes in the name of being 'tidy' . I have just been trying to sort out mess since I came home. I had asked only for the bare minimal standard of upgrade which I felt would have benefited everyone, instead, I am made to feel like I am 'demanding' , 'unreasonable' and a 'terrorist', who just wants to mess up the order of how things are. There are so many things I feel could be sold, thrown away, weeded out-- but it appears that sitting in mess/disrepair is comfort to other people and I AM UNREASONABLE for suggesting change.
I did not get to have closure with my life abroad because so many things went wrong towards the end, and I was constantly holding it together even when I could not have done so, because any other way would have made the experience even more unpleasant than it was for me. I sensed a lot of hate and discomfort for a place and culture which had thought me what freedom really was. I was restricted from exploring places I wanted to explore on a 'holiday' under the guise of 'safety'. I had no real picture of me even graduating, And it appeared that my graduation was no biggie to the people who came to witness it-- the next immediate concern was whether clothes had been packed accordingly instead. And sadly, closure is not something you get to pluck from mid air. I will have to live with the fact that I was so, fucking alone in my post-graduation celebration while everyone was out with their families just basking in the moment it happened for them.
I don't drive or have a car to practice with. I also do not have a source of income to pay for Grab Cars to go where I want to go, and even if I did, everybody ELSE who I'd like to meet is busy studying/working/dealing with SOME shit. Which, read in line with staying where I stay, and in a house which is empty from morning till late evening, is close to being in prison. Except maybe in prison people speak to each other.
I feel really shitty about my worsening vision. I wish there were something I could do to repair the poor eyesight I have because I hate wearing specs all the time even to just watch the telly at home too. I did not need to do that before. I also don't have the cash to buy contact lenses. Even putting eyedrops is dreadful, like how do I tuck something in my eyeball??! :/
It's only been the first month since studies resumed and the bulk of content is overwhelming. Clearly my consistent study plans are not working out , because with all the other mess that's going on, I could open a book, read about 5 pages and realise I had not absorbed anything at all. 40 percent passing rate and only nine months to get this shit right would translate to yet another dead end.
It appears to be a recurring pattern that I get really close to people then we fade out , and I am not supposed to take it personally. Unfortunately, I have feelings. And I feel everything with so much intensity, especially hurt--, that I feel like ripping my heart out and telling it to behave, and not get so attached to people.
A lot of the hurt can be diluted if I was just a little more comfortable with solitude, which is why I am thinking about how moving back to the KL campus would be to fall on a safety blanket and not deal with the difficult circumstances before me. I need, more than anything, to learn how to embrace the pindrop silence. To dissect my thoughts and dispose of anything toxic . Social media detox, deal with the hurt and not shun it away, To forgive myself for the past. To accept that maybe not everytime it is my fault. Timing and circumstances don't allow for someone to just sit down and get me. And stay. Everyone leaves.
I'm at breaking point. Breaking point.