I am trying to approach this topic in a way which does not lean too much towards narcissism but that's a little difficult to do because well, this is... my blog. Where my amorphous emotions are unveiled, given a form, a name, a definition. Just so that its power as a suffocating tangled mass of colour and cloud (which would inevitably lead to an anxiety attack) is hopefully defeated.
*Other than that, I journal because I genuinely find the act of writing on pages gratifying.*
Hello, visitor. Almost didn't see you there.
Recently, I was doing the annual clean-up of my space and I found my journals dating back from 2016 -2021 and I noticed that there was a similar theme of what upsetted me, what made me happy, what terrorised me, and what caused me anxiety. However, I also noticed a jarring problem. I did not write much about my life when things were going good. ...And man, were there good times.
Somewhere between reading the contents of these entries, sneezing from the amount of dust particles invading my nostrils and cringing (BIG TIME), I realised the following :-
- There are some people whom, despite the fact that you want to cling on to because they have been there through a very important part of your life, you must recognise that you have outgrown. It does more harm to hold on than to let go. So, LET GO.
- Conversely, there are some friends who are so low maintenance but genuinely want to see you happy and succeed without expectations. These are people who might keep you in their prayers, they are not calculative about who started more conversations first, it's like time hasn't lapsed when you eventually meet up and you actually feel recharged when you leave them. Thank your lucky stars you crossed paths with them, and make an effort to keep them in your life.
- There are endless cliche motivational quotes, all of which you've probably seen, liked, saved but nothing hits quite like watching your ownself fall apart over the same thing over and over again. It made me want to go back in time and give myself a hug and promise that this time, things will be different.
- I learned that I lacked something absolutely necessary in my interactions with people I got attached to :- BOUNDARIES. To truly learn what this is and then actually exercise it is a fierce act of self love.
- When you are aware of what you are, as in all your strengths and weaknesses, and when you watch your mental growth (which of course journaling helps with) it can be very empowering and it creates a confidence to interact with others + go about life too!
- Journaling is like reading letters from a pen pal you feel so soulfully connected to , except it's YOU. Your journal can have entries where it's penning your expectations for your year, or the next five to come (and then seeing how much came true), maybe even what you hope would never repeat. Who better to keep you accountable than your own self?
- A skill is only going to grow if you exercise/practice it, so in order to not cremate whatever semblance of (non-professional) writing flair left, I will try to make more consistent entries whether in my written journal or in this blog. You can't starve your creative self then sit down and wonder if you still 'got it'.
Moving forward, I want to do some things different about this year onwards, which is to write about the good stuff more. To write about what I am grateful for. To write about moments which, though fleeting, you know would flash before your eyes when you're about to die. I want to live, really live. Meet as many people who provide perspective in this kaleidoscopic world as I can.
So all in all, it was a healing (?) and clarifying experience. 10/10 would recommend.
So all in all, it was a healing (?) and clarifying experience. 10/10 would recommend.
Having said that, we've encroached into mid January and I don't already have one for the year. Time to fix that soon.