Masochism

masochism

noun

• the tendency to derive sexual gratification from one's own pain or humiliation.
  "with things such as bondage and masochism, it's all right if you both go for it"
  
  
• (in general use) the enjoyment of an activity that appears to be painful or tedious.
  "there's plenty to do when the weather turns moorland walks into exercises in masochism"

*Read this again. Not to be mistaken for "machoism" , the quality or character of being macho. 

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As a kid, the idea that someone could 'enjoy' pain is absurd .

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Voluntary Assumption of Pain

But growing into an adult, you find that pain is at every corner, it's inevitable, inescapable. Pain can lurk at the end of two choices. All one can do is befriend it over time instead of constantly being at war with it, ...which ends up hurting you more than it needs to. I also learned that sometimes pain can disguise itself as benevolent, harmless, candy-lipped, gardenia-scented, profound-thinking, silk-smooth, people. The end result, might be that you voluntarily sign up for pain.

Pain as a Personality

What I also learned about pain is that, sometimes when you experience prolonged years of your life with a DEEP rooted sadness, it becomes a big part your personality, to the point that you don't know who you are without it. The idea that you can actually be happy again terrifies you because you forgot what that could feel like, or that you would develop a greater dependency than you have control over, on it. Or maybe, once you have tasted sheer unsuspecting joy, the thought that it will leave you again all too soon might feel like the absolute, irreparable destruction of you.

It would be a few more episodes of destruction before you realise that, humans are great at adaptation. Our entire biology is homeostatic which says a lot about us. To become 'hardened' is no longer a choice but an adaptation mechanism. The end result, might be, that you appear aloof and cold, so that only the most genuine of happiness, upon persistent and consistent efforts can make its way to your centre so that it does not leave easily.

Pain ≠ Depth

The other thing I can safely say from a masochistic perspective is that it people with deep pain are often easily mistaken for people of depth. From a personal perspective, what deep-rooted sadness does is that it creates deep layers to your personality, and it gravels , tunnels, funnels, deep inside you, creating its mazes and secret passageways. Sadness can sometimes feel like a guest who you had not seen in a while, who overstays their welcome despite being given obvious hints that it's time to go. Prima facie, it's easy to think that this depth surfaces in thought, in life choices, in music tastes, maturity. I have also regarded people who survived pain as 'superior' in some way. But recently, I realized that not all people experience sadness in the same way. This is my survivorship bias kicking in. 

"Survivorship bias or survival bias is the logical error of concentrating on entities that passed a selection process while overlooking those that did not. This can lead to incorrect conclusions because of incomplete data."

Pain and Cinema

TV Series- "A moment of Silence" (Spoiler Ahead)

I recently came across a collection of brilliant, disjointed short-episode series titled 'The Premise' by B.J Novak. 

Of all the episodes, there was one which stood out, titled 'Moment of Silence' ,  which depicted the story of a grieving father who had lost his daughter in a school shooting.

The story starts with him interviewing as PR for the National Gun Lobby. His lack of experience isn't looking too great for him until he asks the interviewer to look him up on Google.  The next scene pans to him getting his membership card printed. He's clearly gotten the role. It seems like he is the perfect guy for the role, advancing great arguments for and against the use of guns when asked by his superior without an ounce of hesitation. He appears to have no friends, no remaining family, and he has uprooted his entire life to take up this job. At his work, spends a lot of time in the basement range, shooting with both aggression and precision. He crafts interactions with the Office Security Guard and even his colleagues' dad which seem like they were purely accidental. He is often seen entering his office with lots of guns.

Over time, just as he orchestrated it, his colleague gets very suspicious of his behavior and motives. During what would be a memorial of his daughter's death, his boss asks if he would lead the 'moment of silence' to which he agrees enthusiastically, representing that he would be okay to do so. On the eve of the day, he is playing a shooting video game with his only friend and colleague , and he tells him "I don't think you should come into work tomorrow". These words, together with the previously staged interactions confirmed his suspicions, that he is going to gun down the whole office as an act of revenge, during the 'moment of silence'. Upon this shocking realisation, the colleague's immediate response was to invite him to go camping the next day, to take his mind off of things. This guy, the grieving father agrees to do so. He's told not to be late. The next day, the colleague is waiting at his home, and even though his watch shows 9am, nobody is there to pick him up. He runs into his office, to find that the grieving father is in his office and "forgot" about his plans to go camping. This is in spite of a huge black bag right at his feet, with a clearly pseudo excuse that he forgot despite packing for the trip. The grieving father informs his colleague that he should "still go". But his colleague is firm about his intention to stay right there. 

It's about 20 mins away from the live 'moment of silence' . The colleague subtly alerts everyone about the possibility that everyone in the office is going to be gunned down during the live telecast of the 'moment of silence' to act as a 'statement'/ revenge. The live video starts. The grieving father sits and faces the screen with a blank expression. Tensions are high. The silence is deafening. Few seconds pass of the livestream before the grieving father stands up and reaches into his blazer's pocket. Just as he does this, the fellow colleagues, all of which have been alerted to the 'unhinged bloodbath' that was to ensue, all fire at him at once, LIVE during the telecast.

The colleague who alerted everyone approaches his now lifeless friend, only to peer at what he gripped in his hand. It was a photo of his dead daughter. The entire ordeal was caught on camera. The screen fades to black, while the credits roll, in silence. So ends the episode 'Moment of Silence'.

It was a simple premise, but a brilliant, gut-wrenching one.

As a Reddit user puts it:

'His innocent death would have a much stronger message than getting off one or two kills before getting stopped by any and every other person carrying a gun in that building.'

Predestination (2014) - Movie

This movie blew my goddamn mind and I thought that it was a depiction of time-paradoxes. It was inspired off a Short Story titled 'All you Zombies' by Robert Heinlen, which, considering its time, was a well written plot. It had a mix of themes on gender, time-travel, what is fated or destined for you, or how much of it is choice. Sometimes, you can try to escape something as much as you want but in doing so, cause the very outcome you were trying to avoid. I wish I could say more about it but my brain is reeling in from what interpretations it is trying to give this movie.  

Pain and Music

So anyway, today's entry on pain can be tied to one of the reasons which I picked up French. Apart from the career opportunities , the joy of learning another language, I found that the grief found in some French songs matched the melodies of my heart precisely, in a way that English or Bollywood songs did not. I found a couple of artists who sang quite serious themes in such happy melodies like Angele and most recently La Zarra. So today I will share a song, with both French and English translation . Not the most gut wrenching, but it's the right amount of pain for the night. 

Même sans goûter, Même sans douter Tu diras que tu m’aimes Mais tu ne le penses pas Même sans goûter, Même sans douter Je dirai que tu ne m’aimes pas Et tu te lasseras Mais moi je m’en voulais, Moi je m’en voulais, Moi je m’en voulais Mais qu’est-ce que tu crois ? Que j’aime être contre toi Moi j’m’en doutais, Moi j’m’en doutais, Moi j’m’en doutais Tu t’en iras, comme tous les autres hommes avant toi Tu t’en iras, De mes bras Tu t’en iras, Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi Je n’attendrai pas Que tu le sois Mais tu grandiras Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi J’me sens brimée, Du mal à m’exprimer J’trouve pas les mots, Les fois que j’en dis trop Autant te dire Que j’m’attends au pire Est-ce de ma faute Est-ce de la tienne Ou celle des autres ? Moi J’ai douté, J’ai tant douté, J’ai trop douté J’ai perdu la foi, En l’amour d’autrefois Moi j’ai broyé du noir A force de redouter Que tu t’en iras Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi Tu t’en iras De mes bras Tu t’en iras, Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi Je n’attendrai pas Que tu le sois Mais tu grandiras Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi C’est trop d’effort Ça me dévore Y’a rien qui change Sauf le décor J'ai plus la force de devoir dire au revoir Tout ça pour toi Tout ça pourquoi Pour me mettre dans tous mes états Non fallait pas venir me voir Tu t’en iras De mes bras Tu t’en iras, Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi Je n’attendrai pas Que tu le sois Mais Tu grandiras Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi

English:

Without even a taste

Without even a doubt

You'll say that you love me

But you don't think so

Without even a taste

Without even a doubt

You'll say that you don't love me

And you'll get tired

But I blamed myself

I blamed myself

I blamed myself

What do you think ?

That I like being against you

I was sure of it

I was sure of it

I was sure of it

You'll get away, like all other men before you did

 

You'll get away

From my arms

You'll get away

Like all other men before you did

I will not wait

That you do

But you'll grow up

Like all other men before you did

 

I feel bullied

It's hard to express myself

Can't find the words

By fear of saying too much

Better tell you

That I expect the worst

Is it my fault

Is it yours or

The others' one?

I doubted

Doubted so much

Doubted too much

I lost faith

In old-fashioned love

I've been depressed

From too much fearing

You getting away

Like all other men before you did

 

You'll get away

From my arms

You'll get away

Like all other men before you did

I will not wait

That you do

But you'll grow up

Like all other men before you did

 

It's too much work

It's exhausting me

Nothing's changing

Except the background

I don't have the strength to say goodbye

All of this for you

All of this for what?

To go through all kinds of states of mind

No, you shouldn't have come

 

You'll get away

From my arms

You'll get away

Like all other men before you did

I will not wait

That you do

But you'll grow up

Like all other men before you did

https://lyricstranslate.com/en/tu-ten-iras-youll-get-away.html

Lessons on Peace.

People are walking contradictions. 

People ask for your opinion on something, but what they really want to hear is an echo of how they feel about the situation. 

So, if the opinion does not mirror theirs, believe it or not, ....they may not appreciate it? 

Similarly, people seek peace in temples, in music, psychological teachings, in art, a diet or in mediation practices, and yet, when the formula is as simple as a weekly prayer to a divine being to  'forgive us as we forgive those who sin against us' , the game changes. 

So.. about peace. 

Peace = War

In order to acquire peace, quite ironically, you have to war for it. Whether it is to be at war with your own thoughts, your own ego, or those of others, your fundamentals will often be put to the ultimate test. To truly test your ability to find peace you might have to brave hurricanes of chaos and situations that contradict your core values and your dreams. It is easy to be at peace when you're at the top of a mountain watching the sunrise amidst the sound of birds. But the true test of acquisition of peace is when you sit, unprovoked, in a boat amidst the storm. It's almost counterintuitive. Survival instincts will tell you it's the last thing to do. But you do it because, adulting is all about the tough choices.

Peace = Internal and external assurance

To be able to sit calmly in the boat amidst the storm is to be able to have faith that you will come out alright. Faith is multi-facetted. 

That faith could be premised on a divine being watching over your best interests so long as you sign a contract with it to 'do good' and please it. (Divine Contract)

That faith could stem from motivational words from your closest friends who want the best for you, so long as you provide the same motivations when the time calls for it. (Social Contract)

That faith could be based on a knowledge of yourself- i.e, ability to swim or, if situations leave you stranded on an island, you could start a fire, weave a raft, uncover what fruits are poisonus, or hunt and cook meat (Living skills basically) (Self-confidence) 

Peace = Loneliness 

With the 'Divine Contract' and the 'Social Contract' for example, these depend on the element of 'consideration' (used in the legal sense). If you do something morally ambiguous as a religious person, your belief that God is out there to look out for you may weaken because he is upset with you. Under the social contract, your friends' support for you comes with the standard obligations of reciprocity required of any friendship. However, as a working adult, navigating life as a different person in your teens, it becomes harder to become completely present for another , especially if you are pouring from an empty cup emotionally. At some point, if your grief or lack of peace prolongs for years without a resolution to the point that it takes a toll on your personality, this may impact your friendship. Because this is not the friend that they signed up for in the beginning. The idea of friendships being very transactional in nature is something most would not like to confront. 

But, when we are truly alone with our sordid thoughts, we are creatures of self-preservation. In fact, our entire biology was built that way. It's only healthy to take care of your emotional space to take some steps away from someone whose glass is perpetually half empty and whose life is constantly depressing because you will start to feel like they are not helping themselves.

When you are truly alone, CONFRONTING your demons, your darkest thoughts, for a significant amount of time -- you will come to realise your true strengths (and limitations) without someone else's lens. Whether someone is in your life or not, one day you will reach a point where it makes no difference and does not have the power to shake up your entire world.

When someone shares a different opinion such as the earth is flat, you let them live with their reality even though you have a different set of belief. Their belief does not anger you. When someone judges the way that you spend your money, you are secure that you have bought yourself your version of happiness, whether it looks like a new pair of trainers to some, or insurance to others. When someone cooks a food a different way than you are accustomed to, when they have different storage habits, cleanliness levels, or they wear a shirt that has some holes on it, you do not take it upon you to educate them of the 'right' way to do things. It doesn't impact you, because in the grand scheme of things, the impermanence of life and what a short time you have on it to be at war with others is always at the back of your mind. You live life with the realisation that existence on its own is a subjective experience. 

To be alone is to have room to explore your own taste in food, music and literature without constantly reaching a compromise with someone/ a group. It can feel like the most isolating thing in the world at first, bordering on thoughts of pointlessness to anything if you cannot share this experience with anyone. But to keep so many people in your life whose energy actively extinguishes your flame, is more harmful in the long run. And most importantly, to master the art of being alone is a sense of peace, and not have to feel like your mind is being pulled in seperate directions in thought from different peoples' opinions of what your decisions ought to look like. To find comfort in alone-ness is to gradually limit insecurity. 

Peace = Letting Go 

Sounds simple enough but what does this mean?

I recently learned of a story of an acquaintance who did not live with a parent due to misunderstandings which prolonged for two years over the messy state that the house was left. It turns out, the other parent whom was frustrated too, made the same decision. At some point, this culminated in a sudden death of the parent who was left alone. Suddenly, the idea that the state of the home was messy seemed much less significant in the face of the fact that they would never see or hear from that parent ever again.

Think about how short life is, in the grand scheme of things. We only have a limited time on earth to do good and be remembered for it.

With that said, to seek peace is to have compassion and empathy in your heart even for those who hurt us, because sometimes, as they are hurting us, they may not realise that is what they are doing. Sometimes, their mere existence, their thoughts and their world is something so inherently incompatible with our values that it can trigger us and disrupt our peace. (Here's the kicker, if you do not have compassion and empathy for your own self, how can it magically appear for others?)

Until very recently, I wanted to make a permanent decision to 'choose me' and detach completely from certain family members but a chain of events took place which forced me to reevaluate this decision. A 2 hour zoom call with my friend Abi (who's settling down well in the UK post exams!) certainly helped with this decision. 

I rethought my decision, and had an actual conversation where I took the time to do more listening to the source of much peace-disruption only to find out that certain words have been interpreted in a hostile light when they were not so. My own preconceptions of the situations hurt me, instead of the acts of that person itself. If I normalised things, then all around me will feel normal. If I walk around with a lack of peace within me, then all around me will feel like chaos. This is where empathy comes to play. It was a valuable lesson to preserve peace by giving the other the benefit of the doubt of 'good intentions' (Re: not 'best' intentions, just good intentions), coupled with an active respect for the subjectivity of the human experience. 

CAPTION:

"The man can't see the snake biting his wife, and the woman can't see the boulder on her husbands back, the moral of the story here is that sometimes a man can't see the pain that his wife is suffering from and women can't understand the pressure men feel on a day to day basis, within couples we need to learn to understand each other more and communicate better so we can seek out the problems and turn weaknesses into strengths"

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So, now that I have pondered upon some fundamentals, comes the 'practicing' part.

I struggle with this on the daily, being someone who is very led by emotion. I don't forget how someone makes me feel. Long after I have made the decision to forgive. And this is where the process of forgiveness is not complete. So when it's not complete, it is as good as it's not done. You don't get a certificate/medal for running half the race. Heck, you don't even get to say you 'ran the race'!

 

The Catch-22

Problem Statement:

Have you ever walked into a place and immediately felt your energy dissipate away from you?

Description of the problem:

Maybe the air around it is so grief-stricken, so self-defeating from unmet expectations of what life ought to have been. Maybe, even in the journey to get there, or even just 10 minutes before entering that place, you could have been fine. But there's no mistaking the moment you have stepped foot in that place. Even though you see smiles and there's nothing immediate to even suggest exasperation but your soul knows. Something is just ...amiss.

Things would have been fine if you could come out of it easily. But somehow, being in that vicinity tires you out to the point that all it does it makes you want to sleep long, unaccountable hours. Because in a place like that, where there is little to derive peace from, sleep is one of the few outlets. The feeling of defeat is made worse from the realisation that you have tried, honestly tried time and time again to change the surroundings, yet failed. 

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Models of problem-navigation:

Stoic teachings or mindfulness prescribe that if you cannot control the environment or people around you, at least you have control over your own mind and how you choose to react to certain things. The idea is to let everything and everyone be a passing emotion and experience as opposed to gripping onto it and letting it rob you off your peace. 

Conversely, the profession you choose such as a lawyer , an academician, a nurse, even a psychologist perhaps, imply that with your mastery of the workings of the mind,  with your art of persuasion, with your logical reasoning, maybe you can influence other people's minds for the better. 

Tradition (and maybe even religion) on the other hand dictate that you accord those who have walked this earth longer than you, especially your parents, with its fitting regard and respect. And a lot of this respect manifests in toned down voice, not pointing out the elephant in the room, and keeping order the certain way just because it has been that way for a while.  

In the battle of the three, I am trying to figure out which prevails. Can they co-exist in this situation?

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The Catch 22:

What's confusing is if this very environment you need escape from was the one responsible for nurturing you at your early stages so that you could find your own footing. That once upon a time, you could step in the same vicinity and you would have been oblivious to any grief. You did not need 6 hours to recuperate to just be functional. Where did it all go wrong, when you have a 28 timeline to work with?

What's worse is, absolutely nobody can recharge it, not even your well-intending friends or your good colleagues.  Maybe being away alone in the mountains is what it takes. And so you finally understand why Jesus Christ himself needed a time out from humanity for 40 days , (which seems to be a reccuring theme in the Bible!) You start to understand why great artists toyed with and harnessed their varying levels of insanity. You think about how greater knowledge and awareness comes with a heavy, heavy price, that maybe , if happiness were the end goal here, then it would be a lot better if your mind could just be content with the lower tier experience of it. 

Sometimes, being around a person when you feel this way can hurt them. Perhaps people who have never been in this place themselves would never be able to relate or understand. They have done you no wrong, they only want the best for you, and yet they are being 'punished' for the actions of others against you. 

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Personal Conclusion: The bigger purpose of life

So, surely, happiness cannot be the end goal of life? This theory would be too incompatible with so many other things about the way world works, like drug abuse, capitalism, addiction, the fashion industry, international politics, or why rich people are still miserable.

My personal take, at this point of time at least, is that peace attained from mastery of the mind to create the best outcome you can with the limited time you have is the end goal here.

Maybe the end goal differs for each individual.

Maybe scientifically, 40 days (to disappear into the mountains) bears a great significance we haven't unlocked yet. About time to give the modern-day equivalent of disappearing into the mountains a try?

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How does growing up impoverished impact you?

As I am approaching my 30s, I've developed an innate need to understand certain things with more depth. I need to understand why certain things occurred the way that it did, why some people are so stuck in their habits, particularly why certain people developed such isolating and self-sabotaging habits to cope with their reality, how some people can be so content with so little, why even if there was an excess in money, food or blessings it must always be stored and postponed for later, if and when things get bad . When I take a good, hard look at it, the answer lies, without any oversimplification, ...

...in poverty.

To some extent I think I always knew this, but over the years I unlocked the extent to which people's existence can be so tainted and manipulated by it that, once you choose to open your eyes to it, it's impossible to ignore.

Lack Mindset:

A lack mindset (which you can read about from a Forbes article here) is when you focus on everything you do not already have, than what you already do. Often, those who live in modern poverty, (and I say this because you don't necessarily need to be starving, naked children to be in poverty) , are perpetually dissatisfied with their fate because they grew up believing that everything was within their reigns to change their fate. When they get there, to adulthood, they realise the ingredients get more and more complicated, some of which was never in their hands to begin with. Too much lies on connections, fate, street-smarts, that a degree only accounts for 1/4 of it!

Someone who is always unsure of whether what they have today can sustain will always view the glass as half-empty. Someone who did not have to worry about food in the pantry running out, or been given an allowance of RM10 to last a week in school however you choose to manage it, will always see the glass as half full. In fact, what this means is that, cutting the real bullshit aside, the glass-half-full, toxic-positivity and cult-like optimism is reserved for those whom have been generally blessed in life. 

 So much so that when blessings pour into your life you become skeptical of how long it is going to stay or what strings come attached with it. 

I don't think I can explain to someone who has not experienced it firsthand, how, growing up in an environment where from a very early age you learned that you could not get whatever you wanted  and I am not even talking about the luxuries. For example, if you went out to order something, your drinks options were restricted to water, (any derogations from the status quo would elicit the unmistakable indian eyes that said all it needed to without a sound uttered), that in spite of how much less off you were doing than the others you could not show the slightest sign of that, so your clothes would always have to be perfectly ironed or clean. You cannot leave the house scruffily in any circumstances or have clothes with fashion rips on them because god forbid someone gets the slightest whiff of your impecuniosity. That would be game over.  

Hoarding:

I think this is an extension of the above, when you don't have the certainty that what you give away can be replaced, you tend to keep toasters or cars which haven't been working for 5 years + because, 'what if you need it some day? 

Fixing vs Replacing:

It is also for this same reason that people do not invest in new pairs of shoes even though the current one has a completely exhausted soul to the point that it is a hazard on a slippery surface because they believe in fixing as opposed to replacing. So these are the people who have superglue ready at home,  or wear the same shirts for years even though it's clearly discoloured/ has holes and stains, lets their dysfunctional car rot at home than make any attempts to fix it even though it's a gone case -- it's because of some emotional attachment to it. Your threshold of patience is reduced because you already expended too much in the day just doing the basics and getting by. This directly reflects onto your personality and affects your general likability

Bad mood is the default:

Being in a bad mood or unhappy as a default state because of their easily remedied discomforts (if they had money), like not buying an air-conditioner because it would escalate the electricity bills, or being stuck in long hours of commutes because to buy a home that's nearer to your work place is out of question, or not having enough food at home because to feed a family of five to their hearts' content is out of question and everyone just has to work with the pool of what is left. 

'Poor' and Unrefined Tastes:

When you are poor and have been for an extended period of time, you don't care if your purple shorts matches your orange shirt because you view clothes as just something that's needed to cover your body, it doesn't have to be tasteful. Someone who wants better for themselves care about the way things look especially what they put on their own selves. This even the rate at which you physically age because those whom have a hard life clearly reflect that in their white hair, wrinkles, lack of money to be able to afford spas , hair treatments, therapy, etc. It's not about getting the most expensive clothes, it's about carrying yourself with candour, so that you get invited into respectable social circles. It's about , with what little you have, buying or wearing the best you can. 

You fall in love differently:

When you have to share from a limited pool of resource , it also has a direct bearing on how developed your personality got to be, whether it's an extension of your parents' or a TV character. You aren't given that much room to discover it early on from literature because chances are your hands are tied because there's more urgent responsibilities to attend to like feeding your sibling or paying the house bills.  Then, indirectly, when you see the hallmark of all you aspire to be, personified in another person, you fall head over heels for them, much more than it would need to be had you had the room to explore and define your own identity and fall in love with yourself. 

Bearing on Intelligence

When you don't have access to money, you would rather conserve what you have left to meet your basic needs like food and transport as opposed to extensive planning for college degrees (or EVEN if you do, you'd have to slave away to get there and work while studying which impacts your patience levels, personality, etc). If they somehow do not have the residual patience to read, they may not have as extensive of a vocabulary. If they do not have the time to spare, they do not have the ability to network or build sustainable relationships with those who drive them to do better in life. 

But wait, there's a silver lining. 

Character Building

I suppose that the only consolation of living this kind of life is an unparalleled character building involved, an increased threshold of resilience , a perspective on life for what it really is instead of a sheltered existence, which in turn provides a person with street-smarts, the ability to somehow, when you have resigned to the position that there is little you can do to change things, accept your fate, be content with less, (as far as stoicism goes, "AMOR FATI") you will find that you need less to be content. Plus, you learn that, most rich people have an array of problems and dissatisfaction on the flip side that you might have been spared off. 

Also, just because you were deprived of the above early on, it does not mean that you will never develop this later on in life which is what makes things interesting. The cards you are born with do not have to be the cards you die with if you have a good mindset.

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When you finally learn that everyone is doing what they can to just live a happy, honest and meaningful life at the end of the day, you resile and brush things off as not being so bad until the next opportunity arrives for you to introspect at what is so flawed about yours.