masochism
noun
- the tendency to derive sexual gratification from one's own pain or humiliation."with things such as bondage and masochism, it's all right if you both go for it"
- (in general use) the enjoyment of an activity that appears to be painful or tedious.
"there's plenty to do when the weather turns moorland walks into exercises in masochism"
*Read this again. Not to be mistaken for "machoism" , the quality or character of being macho.
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As a kid, the idea that someone could 'enjoy' pain is absurd .
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Voluntary Assumption of Pain
But growing into an adult, you find that pain is at every corner, it's inevitable, inescapable. Pain can lurk at the end of two choices. All one can do is befriend it over time instead of constantly being at war with it, ...which ends up hurting you more than it needs to. I also learned that sometimes pain can disguise itself as benevolent, harmless, candy-lipped, gardenia-scented, profound-thinking, silk-smooth, people. The end result, might be that you voluntarily sign up for pain.
Pain as a Personality
What I also learned about pain is that, sometimes when you experience prolonged years of your life with a DEEP rooted sadness, it becomes a big part your personality, to the point that you don't know who you are without it. The idea that you can actually be happy again terrifies you because you forgot what that could feel like, or that you would develop a greater dependency than you have control over, on it. Or maybe, once you have tasted sheer unsuspecting joy, the thought that it will leave you again all too soon might feel like the absolute, irreparable destruction of you.
It would be a few more episodes of destruction before you realise that, humans are great at adaptation. Our entire biology is homeostatic which says a lot about us. To become 'hardened' is no longer a choice but an adaptation mechanism. The end result, might be, that you appear aloof and cold, so that only the most genuine of happiness, upon persistent and consistent efforts can make its way to your centre so that it does not leave easily.
It would be a few more episodes of destruction before you realise that, humans are great at adaptation. Our entire biology is homeostatic which says a lot about us. To become 'hardened' is no longer a choice but an adaptation mechanism. The end result, might be, that you appear aloof and cold, so that only the most genuine of happiness, upon persistent and consistent efforts can make its way to your centre so that it does not leave easily.
Pain ≠ Depth
The other thing I can safely say from a masochistic perspective is that it people with deep pain are often easily mistaken for people of depth. From a personal perspective, what deep-rooted sadness does is that it creates deep layers to your personality, and it gravels , tunnels, funnels, deep inside you, creating its mazes and secret passageways. Sadness can sometimes feel like a guest who you had not seen in a while, who overstays their welcome despite being given obvious hints that it's time to go. Prima facie, it's easy to think that this depth surfaces in thought, in life choices, in music tastes, maturity. I have also regarded people who survived pain as 'superior' in some way. But recently, I realized that not all people experience sadness in the same way. This is my survivorship bias kicking in.
"Survivorship bias or survival bias is the logical error of concentrating on entities that passed a selection process while overlooking those that did not. This can lead to incorrect conclusions because of incomplete data."
Pain and Cinema
TV Series- "A moment of Silence" (Spoiler Ahead)
TV Series- "A moment of Silence" (Spoiler Ahead)
I recently came across a collection of brilliant, disjointed short-episode series titled 'The Premise' by B.J Novak.
Of all the episodes, there was one which stood out, titled 'Moment of Silence' , which depicted the story of a grieving father who had lost his daughter in a school shooting.
The story starts with him interviewing as PR for the National Gun Lobby. His lack of experience isn't looking too great for him until he asks the interviewer to look him up on Google. The next scene pans to him getting his membership card printed. He's clearly gotten the role. It seems like he is the perfect guy for the role, advancing great arguments for and against the use of guns when asked by his superior without an ounce of hesitation. He appears to have no friends, no remaining family, and he has uprooted his entire life to take up this job. At his work, spends a lot of time in the basement range, shooting with both aggression and precision. He crafts interactions with the Office Security Guard and even his colleagues' dad which seem like they were purely accidental. He is often seen entering his office with lots of guns.
Over time, just as he orchestrated it, his colleague gets very suspicious of his behavior and motives. During what would be a memorial of his daughter's death, his boss asks if he would lead the 'moment of silence' to which he agrees enthusiastically, representing that he would be okay to do so. On the eve of the day, he is playing a shooting video game with his only friend and colleague , and he tells him "I don't think you should come into work tomorrow". These words, together with the previously staged interactions confirmed his suspicions, that he is going to gun down the whole office as an act of revenge, during the 'moment of silence'. Upon this shocking realisation, the colleague's immediate response was to invite him to go camping the next day, to take his mind off of things. This guy, the grieving father agrees to do so. He's told not to be late. The next day, the colleague is waiting at his home, and even though his watch shows 9am, nobody is there to pick him up. He runs into his office, to find that the grieving father is in his office and "forgot" about his plans to go camping. This is in spite of a huge black bag right at his feet, with a clearly pseudo excuse that he forgot despite packing for the trip. The grieving father informs his colleague that he should "still go". But his colleague is firm about his intention to stay right there.
The story starts with him interviewing as PR for the National Gun Lobby. His lack of experience isn't looking too great for him until he asks the interviewer to look him up on Google. The next scene pans to him getting his membership card printed. He's clearly gotten the role. It seems like he is the perfect guy for the role, advancing great arguments for and against the use of guns when asked by his superior without an ounce of hesitation. He appears to have no friends, no remaining family, and he has uprooted his entire life to take up this job. At his work, spends a lot of time in the basement range, shooting with both aggression and precision. He crafts interactions with the Office Security Guard and even his colleagues' dad which seem like they were purely accidental. He is often seen entering his office with lots of guns.
Over time, just as he orchestrated it, his colleague gets very suspicious of his behavior and motives. During what would be a memorial of his daughter's death, his boss asks if he would lead the 'moment of silence' to which he agrees enthusiastically, representing that he would be okay to do so. On the eve of the day, he is playing a shooting video game with his only friend and colleague , and he tells him "I don't think you should come into work tomorrow". These words, together with the previously staged interactions confirmed his suspicions, that he is going to gun down the whole office as an act of revenge, during the 'moment of silence'. Upon this shocking realisation, the colleague's immediate response was to invite him to go camping the next day, to take his mind off of things. This guy, the grieving father agrees to do so. He's told not to be late. The next day, the colleague is waiting at his home, and even though his watch shows 9am, nobody is there to pick him up. He runs into his office, to find that the grieving father is in his office and "forgot" about his plans to go camping. This is in spite of a huge black bag right at his feet, with a clearly pseudo excuse that he forgot despite packing for the trip. The grieving father informs his colleague that he should "still go". But his colleague is firm about his intention to stay right there.
It's about 20 mins away from the live 'moment of silence' . The colleague subtly alerts everyone about the possibility that everyone in the office is going to be gunned down during the live telecast of the 'moment of silence' to act as a 'statement'/ revenge. The live video starts. The grieving father sits and faces the screen with a blank expression. Tensions are high. The silence is deafening. Few seconds pass of the livestream before the grieving father stands up and reaches into his blazer's pocket. Just as he does this, the fellow colleagues, all of which have been alerted to the 'unhinged bloodbath' that was to ensue, all fire at him at once, LIVE during the telecast.
The colleague who alerted everyone approaches his now lifeless friend, only to peer at what he gripped in his hand. It was a photo of his dead daughter. The entire ordeal was caught on camera. The screen fades to black, while the credits roll, in silence. So ends the episode 'Moment of Silence'.
The colleague who alerted everyone approaches his now lifeless friend, only to peer at what he gripped in his hand. It was a photo of his dead daughter. The entire ordeal was caught on camera. The screen fades to black, while the credits roll, in silence. So ends the episode 'Moment of Silence'.
It was a simple premise, but a brilliant, gut-wrenching one.
As a Reddit user puts it:
'His innocent death would have a much stronger message than getting off one or two kills before getting stopped by any and every other person carrying a gun in that building.'
Predestination (2014) - Movie
This movie blew my goddamn mind and I thought that it was a depiction of time-paradoxes. It was inspired off a Short Story titled 'All you Zombies' by Robert Heinlen, which, considering its time, was a well written plot. It had a mix of themes on gender, time-travel, what is fated or destined for you, or how much of it is choice. Sometimes, you can try to escape something as much as you want but in doing so, cause the very outcome you were trying to avoid. I wish I could say more about it but my brain is reeling in from what interpretations it is trying to give this movie.
Pain and Music
So anyway, today's entry on pain can be tied to one of the reasons which I picked up French. Apart from the career opportunities , the joy of learning another language, I found that the grief found in some French songs matched the melodies of my heart precisely, in a way that English or Bollywood songs did not. I found a couple of artists who sang quite serious themes in such happy melodies like Angele and most recently La Zarra. So today I will share a song, with both French and English translation . Not the most gut wrenching, but it's the right amount of pain for the night.
Même sans goûter,
Même sans douter
Tu diras que tu m’aimes
Mais tu ne le penses pas
Même sans goûter,
Même sans douter
Je dirai que tu ne m’aimes pas
Et tu te lasseras
Mais moi je m’en voulais,
Moi je m’en voulais,
Moi je m’en voulais
Mais qu’est-ce que tu crois ?
Que j’aime être contre toi
Moi j’m’en doutais,
Moi j’m’en doutais,
Moi j’m’en doutais
Tu t’en iras, comme tous les autres hommes avant toi
Tu t’en iras,
De mes bras
Tu t’en iras,
Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi
Je n’attendrai pas
Que tu le sois
Mais tu grandiras
Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi
J’me sens brimée,
Du mal à m’exprimer
J’trouve pas les mots,
Les fois que j’en dis trop
Autant te dire
Que j’m’attends au pire
Est-ce de ma faute
Est-ce de la tienne
Ou celle des autres ?
Moi J’ai douté,
J’ai tant douté,
J’ai trop douté
J’ai perdu la foi,
En l’amour d’autrefois
Moi j’ai broyé du noir
A force de redouter
Que tu t’en iras
Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi
Tu t’en iras
De mes bras
Tu t’en iras,
Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi
Je n’attendrai pas
Que tu le sois
Mais tu grandiras
Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi
C’est trop d’effort
Ça me dévore
Y’a rien qui change
Sauf le décor
J'ai plus la force de devoir dire au revoir
Tout ça pour toi
Tout ça pourquoi
Pour me mettre dans tous mes états
Non fallait pas venir me voir
Tu t’en iras
De mes bras
Tu t’en iras,
Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi
Je n’attendrai pas
Que tu le sois
Mais Tu grandiras
Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi
English:
English:
Without even a taste
Without even a doubt
You'll say that you love me
But you don't think so
Without even a taste
Without even a doubt
You'll say that you don't love me
And you'll get tired
But I blamed myself
I blamed myself
I blamed myself
What do you think ?
That I like being against you
I was sure of it
I was sure of it
I was sure of it
You'll get away, like all other men before you did
You'll get away
From my arms
You'll get away
Like all other men before you did
I will not wait
That you do
But you'll grow up
Like all other men before you did
I feel bullied
It's hard to express myself
Can't find the words
By fear of saying too much
Better tell you
That I expect the worst
Is it my fault
Is it yours or
The others' one?
I doubted
Doubted so much
Doubted too much
I lost faith
In old-fashioned love
I've been depressed
From too much fearing
You getting away
Like all other men before you did
You'll get away
From my arms
You'll get away
Like all other men before you did
I will not wait
That you do
But you'll grow up
Like all other men before you did
It's too much work
It's exhausting me
Nothing's changing
Except the background
I don't have the strength to say goodbye
All of this for you
All of this for what?
To go through all kinds of states of mind
No, you shouldn't have come
You'll get away
From my arms
You'll get away
Like all other men before you did
I will not wait
That you do
But you'll grow up
Like all other men before you did