Grade-itude.

Of all the little miracles God placed in my life, the most major one thus far would be my unbelievable SPM results. I can't think of a more accurate word to use. Some nights I still lie awake trying to believe that I pulled it off. I pulled of a nine. They aren't solid 9A+ s , but they still make me eligible for scholarships.

Which, if I didn't have, I could just, say bye to any chances of furthering my education in a place and course of my choice. I would be in misery.

There would always be that painful silence. The household would be such a tensed atmosphere, any slight thing could set off an argument. Money would be such a sensitive issue, that you would wish such a word would seem like it didn't exist. Or you would rather have to drop dead than bring it up.

Maybe that's why God did it. Because he knew, this was it. It was either straight As or straight As. Nothing else. I was talking to a few people about this, and since the competition for scholarships is getting higher , they even set aside people who got EIGHT As. Nine is the *goes without saying* bare minimum to be eligible, despite what the public chooses to say about it! 

I am so thankful for the choices I have made throughout the last two years too. Maybe God planted these ideas in my head. All those extra curricular activities and school representing I did that people perceived as a 'waste of time'. (IN YO FACE) Now it proves to be of a BIG help in setting me apart from other applicants.

I am so thankful for my mom being my mom because she was the only person who went forth and was serious about enrolling me in something. If it wasn't for her I would probably only start college next year and be in a class with people a year younger than me or something. She showed genuine happiness over my success and rewarded me for it in her ways. Also, she was the one who forced me into tuition (and lets face it, tuition is the only form of serious studying I would have gotten) and paying its high fee monthly.


I am thankful for having a sister that believed in me and pep talked me especially during the panic attack phases towards trials. I don't know why either but before her talk, the concept of just leaving things blank if I didn't know answers instead of big-time freaking out about it didnt exist. But knowing that by just doing that being sufficient to make my mom satisfied was a big relief.

I am so grateful for the teachers that taught me (or rather , tolerated me) and wasn't too hard on me when I didn't finish my homework, and were kind when marking my papers when I needed that one extra mark to determine my change of grade. If there is one thing I miss about school it would be the teachers. Some have grown to become like close friends. I appreciate their efforts at passing their knowledge down and making the lessons interesting (through various group activities) and fun ! *I'm looking at you, english teacher. *

I am thankful for Calvin, who was like, one the only human being on earth who actually thought/firmly believed (contrary to my sister who was just probably obliged to say nice things to make me feel less anxiety, lols) that I could pull off a nine. When I got it, his words was one of the earliest thoughts to come to mind. I cannot describe to you how good it feels to have a friend believe in you when you don't even believe in yourself.

AND AMELIA. Okay Amelia deserves her own section. She was my .. *maybe a word for what I want isn't coming to my mind yet* but I would just, crumble in school without her existence. She was the person who could make me laugh without needing to say anything. The yin to my yang, The few people I permit to insult me/make fun of me/ tell me if I am going to far without any feelings of wanting to injure anyone. The impact she has on my life, (and this I only realized recently) is tremendous.

It is true, the friends you make have a great impact on how you perform. And in my case, because of her I wasn't TOO slack-y. The necessary amount of discipline in my life. The correct term for it would be 'best friend'. Yes, that is what she is.

I am grateful for my classmates who inadvertently forced me to push my limits instead of just lying on comfort zone. Cause, by being in 5B, It makes me want to do all I can to not sink below the 25th position in class. And to do that, I would need to put in the necessary effort to ensure that. Special thanks to Amelia for making my studying experiences fun, and some part of me believes this would not be possible without her.

Then we have Becky who was a full time counselor and picked me up when I was at a low point in my life, late last year. She was my necessary dose of humor. The witty + sarcastic kind. I have other people for the 'slapstick' kind.  I can't insert a pic of her and me here because the last recorded one I have of us, I look like a confused boy . I await the day we update it, just sayin'.





Truly, I feel blessed. So thank you, all of you. Really. (:

Bend over backwards.

Morph Kina Grannis and Jasmine Villegas (a.k.a the girl from 'Baby')

You get Cierra Ramirez

 

She starred in this:

 

I will admit, this was a pretty good investment of my time. It is available on youtube; and the girl (who is my age) has got some serious swag. I adore her sense of fashion.

--this was drafted early March.

*****

Hello peoples !

I have been through a whirlwind of emotions. And suddenly, I didn't need to blog about it anymore. Containing them in my mind was more self-sufficient.

Pao's loss, day 11.

I have , you can say... come to terms with Pao's loss? (Now I know for sure she isnt going to appear on my doorstep again eventually.)

Her kittens are dying one by one. Watching them get weaker and weaker until they can barely produce a sound is getting less painful than I thought it would be. Morbid thoughts flood my mind. Optimistic me would tell me to snip them off before it develops into a major psychological problem.

Anyway, what I did was, give them a bath! If they were going to die I want them to be clean while at it. Do not question the rationale to that. I get really angry when people have anything negative to say about Pao "abandoning" her kittens and making circumstances be such. Because she didn't just abandon them. She was mercilessly thieved away.

Anyway, enough with the moping.

Ironically, what made me want to blog was listening to jumpy bubbly songs. If I were still sad I wouldn't be able to phrase proper english sentences about what I feel.

Think ;

Sara Bareilles - Gonna Get Over You

Marina & The Diamonds- Primadona Love
..whatever you get when you youtube 'Demi Lovato playlist'

My life has made a dramatic leap of progress if we compare it with the last 5/6 months.. I start college in more or less 10 days. I'm doing A levels. The last thing I saw myself doing. This is taking some time for my brain to process.

I think my mom is the most bending-over-backwards person I know of, in this planet.

In one day she buys me a watch, a subway sandwich, a new pair of spectacles, on top of that gives me cash for future use, offers to get me a handbag, bears with the excessive excessive excessive amount of walking we did around KL trying to locate the college I was supposed to visit, doesn't complain even once after we took the wrong train roughly four or five times, goes to inquire about another college for the course I was supposed to take, etc etc. She cancelled all the plans she was supposed to attend to for the day to morally support me and even attended the free trial class I was supposed to attend because I was a bit scared to be alone in such a foreign environment.

Oh, oh, all of that while having a really injured knee.

She will not know how much I appreciate and need her in my life. Because we're not one for "I love you" s.

It gives me a lot to compare with if you look at how much my dad is involved with my life. Yes, it brings me down sometimes, but I had like, the last five years or so to get used to it.

So why does it still bring me down? things to ponder..

Coping with Pao's loss-day 5.

I finally understand why some people do drugs.

I used to think it was so stupid. A typical making a statement act. Fitting in.  Peer pressure. Completely avoidable addiction. "Oh, I'm sad, so I am going to shower my self with strong nerve damaging drugs."

As far as my shallowness on the subject went, nothing was ever too sad that enough time and moral support couldn't heal.

But that was until I lost something I loved so, so, much.
I am in a state that I will take ANYTHING. Any alternative to keep me from being sane and being able to process my horrible reality of having the one thing I care about at home be stolen from me.

You know how you love something when you first get it and over time (years) your love isn't as strong? That is how it was NOT with Pao. Every single day I wake up and it's like the first time I'm seeing her. Every half an hour no matter what I am doing I just need to look at her just to make sure she is still alive and present and smile. That's how it was for the last six months.

Now I lie awake for hours when I am trying to sleep, playing back meaningless memories, such as her quietly lying on the computer table.  The flashes of memory I have, don't even have anything to do with me. They could be as random as Pao eating her bag of (still left the way it was) 'Whiskers'. Pao biting a leaf. Pao sleeping. Pao's eye twitching. Pao's tail.

I could be watching a video with headphones on, but suddenly hear her as if she were right behind me and freeze. (Happened 10 times this day alone) Everything I look at has a memory of her tethered to it. Every time I wake up I keep thinking maybe if I walked downstairs a Pao will be there to surprise me, she just took a long walk. I am sleeping on a bed without a bed sheet because if I put it back on it will always remind me that Pao slept ON that bed sheet. It will stare me in the face everyday.






I keep hearing her meow when she isn't there. When I eventually get to sleep she makes an appearance in my dreams. I just had a dream this evening, that she came back. She changed, almost like a different cat-- but she was back in my arms. It scared me. Would I be able to accept a different Pao if she returned?
 
I watch the other stray cats behind my house running about in their normal untainted lives and talk to them asking if they've seen my Pao, as if they would magically answer me back or even understand what I'm saying.

*****

You don't understand.
I don't love anything deeply enough to want to make sacrifices for and proclaim it to the world.

(Pao, jussssssst after giving birth. Last pic I took of her.)

*****

Now these are things I would seriously do. I don't believe in catching grenades or other melodramatic shit like that because what is the point of getting Pao back if I am not alive to see it happen eventually? I repeat. This is not me being dramatic, these are things I would actually do.

I would trade in not ever knowing my SPM results if that meant I could get Pao back the way she was when I last saw her.

I would trade in not going to college this year and watching other people progress with their lives.

I would trade in my sense of taste for seaweed (which sucks because sushi has seaweed)

I would trade in not having my leg scars heal ever which would mean I could never wear another dress and feel pretty.

I would trade not consuming anything for a week excluding water.

I would trade in not meeting anyone from secondary school ever again excluding Becky and the usual 8.

I would gladly have dengue and be admitted in a hospital for Pao.

I would be willing to not have a hand phone until I am 25.

I would go off facebook for half a month.

I would.. *gulp* have her kittens die, only if that meant she would be back.

I would give up ever have a twitter account.

I would give up Milo for half a year.

I would trade not being able to visit outside Asia ever.

*****

Paolina. 

:'(

:'(

:'(

Paolia is gone.

Pao left home . No, Pao wouldn't do that. Someone fucking STOLE her.

My pride and joy, the only one I come home to be with, my first legit pet. :(

I discovered this upon returning from a horrible two day trip to Pahang. The event didn't completely suck, it was my health. My head felt like it was a swinging pendulum, my eyes as if someone had marinated them with chilli powder and put them back in my sockets, my nose septum (you know the one that divides your nostrils) were sore from all that blowing, my throat was in pain that it affected my voice, my hair all unruly, and I haven't had a proper sleep in those days.

After all of that, all I wanted to do was come back and give Pao a big cuddle. I noticed something was strange when the car stopped at the driveway and she didn't come charging at us. I overlooked it as her having bigger life priorities, such as feeding her 2 week old kittens.

Even when we walked into the house there was no sign of her ,in all the places she would be. Her kittens were climbing out of the cupboard they were put in and crying the loudest I've heard them (for what I assume must be milk). Note: their eyes have not fully opened yet and they couldn't even walk but they were shivering and ..gliding(?) about the floor. I was getting distressed because I couldn't sleep from all that screaming.

I took a 10 minute power nap (more like lie-on-the-bed-open-eyed) before going outside and relentlessly calling out for Pao. I took her bag of whiskers and shaked it , front entrance, back door-- because the last time she went out for a long walk , this was the remedy for it. If there's one thing I knew, it was that Pao loved food probably more than her babies. After that didn't work I carried her screaming fur balls outside too. No such luck.

That's when it started to become more than distress. It was sheer panic. Hours had passed since my return from Pahang, and the screaming kittens didnt get any softer. I took a walk down my house's lane , briefly inspecting drains.. calling out her name (all this still feeling and looking like crap). Her kittens were evidently more weak because the orange one stopped making any noise and coiled up in a ball by a corner under the bed. They were dying.

Now here's a known fact: Kittens (or cats) CANNOT drink our regular milk, it is almost lethal to them ! So stop wondering why I didnt just make them a warm bowl of milk. Also my *unhelpful* parents didnt take them to a vet.

I guess somewhere along that point of realizing that I broke down. Made an unhelpful call to my sister, before she gave me the idea of just making the milk anyway, but have it be really diluted. I had to do SOMETHING, so I did that.

I fed the babies though a cotton bud and so far things are still very very bad but better than when she first abandoned them. Or was abruptly stolen away from them.

*****

So, don't talk to me if what you have to say goes along the lines of  "Get over it, it was just a cat." or if you intend on making jokes about it. I preferred Pao to human company; and if you didnt know about how strongly I felt for Pao you might as well not know me at all..

In fact just don't talk to me at all, anyone. I cannot give you the normal communicative response you want. I am not even interested in explaining why.

I don't care about SPM results at all, now. I just want my Pao back.