Billion Dollar Whale- A candid review by a young lawyer with a budding interest in Politics and International Relations (Part 1: The Invention of Jho Low)

I'll start with the basics. 

1. WHO are authors Tom Wright and Bradley Hope, anyway? 

They are wizards JOURNALISTS.

Wright and Hope worked together at the Wall Street Journal and led the newspaper’s team that exposed the 1Malaysia Development Bhd. (1MDB) scandal, a $6 billion fraud that toppled a government and forced Goldman Sachs to pay the largest ever penalty under U.S. bribery laws.

Their book, the Billion Dollar Whale, which was also the subject of my read for most of this year, is a testament to the scale of what a firm belief in your cause, supplemented with good quality research, journalism and connections can do to unearth the thick GRIME of international scale crime, business and politics.

2. General Reading Experience

This book was one giant encyclopedia of new vocabulary, concepts, places within countries (I've never thought to research), business terminologies, the introduction of financial vessels and mechanisms, and plain, dirty, politics.

With my long work hours and busy schedule, it was not an easy read to tackle in one continuous sweep, often done with long breaks in between, lasting weeks, which made me forget what I read in the previous chapter. That was also why I had to annotate along the way. 

Sometimes in a single page or even a line of the book, when a foreign word or concept is introduced to me, I absolutely have to google it, before I proceed reading the next line, then in doing so, I find myself going down a rabbit hole of information that deviates so far from what I started reading. Then learning that rabbit hole of side info drains the mind. That's another reason it took as long as it did to complete the book.

By the time I got to the final chapter and the epilogue, I felt a huge sense of DEFEAT and nihilism. There were many parts of this book which were stellar in its writing but I will go with this on page 371 :- 

"It's tempting to see this kind of corruption as a disease afflicting poor countried, where kleptocrats live in splendour at the expense of their long-suffering populations. But Jho Low's crime is a modern take on that old story. The money he took, by and large, were not stolen directly from Malaysia's treasury or through padded government contracts. Instead, it was cash that 1MDB borrowed on international financial markets with the help of Goldman Sachs."

So today, I am going to attempt a post-mortem on Part 1 of the book, which mostly elaborates on the key players.

Part 1- The Invention of Jho Low :

Every villain has a backstory. 

Chapter One: Fake Photos

Jho Low came from a family of traders, with his grandfather originating from Thailand with nothing more than a small fortune. But, in 1998, the last two years of his high school, Jho Low had one thing working in his favour. Harrow. (An elite boarding school in England)

Image from https://www.englischeinternate.com/schools/harrow-school

Those from Harrow come from families wealth amassing BILLIONS, which, by the way, is ONE THOUSAND MILLIONS. It was here that he mixed with the children of royal families of Brunei and Kuwait. Then in an attempt to impress them, gloated that he was the "prince of Malaysia" to earn some street credit. In reality, he lived in a modest bungalow in Georgetown. His father, Larry had recently sold his shares in a garment company which were worth roughly $15 million , an astronomical sum at the time. From his small gambits here, it was his first lesson that power and prestige-or at least the appearance of it- opened all kinds of doors. 

Chapter 2 : Asian Great Gatsby 

..is a preview into Jho Low's first signs of lavishness, which depicts his 21st birthday, the kind where a model wearing only a bikini made of lettuce leaves walked across the dance floor and reclined on a bar top-- with sushi lined up ON HER.

Pictured here is Shampoo, Philladelphia's finest at the time- in 2001. 

(I just found out it's not operational anymore)

Low first gained the moniker- 'Asian Great Gatsby' , an ode to how he observed his parties but never partook in them. Then, in 2003, he persuaded his Arab friends to give him a tour of the Middle East, introducing him to the richest families and most influential firms. Then, in Abu Dhabi, Low made a connection that would alter the course of his life. 

Chapter 3: Win Tons of Money

The title is a reference to Low's first company, Wynton Group which he joked stood for "win tons" of money.

Low, now 22, was having lunch with Yousef Al Otaiba , a fresh faced FOREIGN POLICY adviser to the country's sheikhs. This was his window to question on power structures within UAE, which sheikhs controlled the biggest pots of money, etc. In 2003, Oil prices were on an upward trajectory. Otaiba was almost insatiable in wealth despite having it all by his 30s. Otaiba is one of the 12 sons of UAE's former Oil Minister. This meant a privilleged upbringing. He also graced Georgetown where he attended for four years but did not graduate).Then at 26, he became an adviser to the Crown prince, Mohammed Bin Zayed al Nahyam. He was also influential in Washington.  While being well versed in politics, he was a novice at business. This was Low's window to talk up Malaysia as a prospect, and doors for Low in Abu Dhabi opened up. 

* Info grab: 

MUBADALA= Abu Dhabi formed Mubadala in 2002 to diversify its oil dependent economy. The idea was to raise capital from international markets , plowing the money into industries like real estate and semiconductors. It was part of a trend in which rich states were playing a greater role in the global economy. It borrowed from global markets and actively tried to move economy into new directions.

(*Other examples of sovereign wealth funds - Norway's Government Pension Funds) 

This planted a seed in Low's mind. Malaysia had a soverign wealth fund, Khazanah Nasional, but nothing like Mubadala. As he was conjuring a way to capitalise on his father's real estate and teade with his Wharton and Harrow contacts, it dawned on him that the influential backer available to him was the powerful family of Najib Razak. 

*the Law and Order theme song plays

Image from https://www.freemalaysiatoday.com/category/opinion/2022/08/26/the-story-of-najib-a-victory-a-tragedy/

Chapter Four: We're Going to Need a Bigger Van

In December 2007, Najib Razak as Deputy Prime Minister together with his wife, Rosmah Mansor, were trying to load the car taking them to the airport. But there was a problem. The plethora of luxury boutique shopping (boxes and shopping vans)  could not fit the car taking them to the government jet on standby at the VIP hangar. This was till a VAN needed to be brought in to haul the excess baggage. 

Info grab:

Najib Razak was educated in Malvern College , a British boarding school . hMMnN. Something about these schools. 

Image from https://whichschooladvisor.com/uk/school-review/malvern-college

He also received education from the University of Nottingham. He preferred English to Malay, and watched English shows like 'Yes Minister' , a sitcom about a bumbling government minister. 

Image from https://www.facebook.com/331481044571/posts/10163341449919572/?locale=ms_MY

Rosmah came from more humble origins. Her parents were middle class teachers but she partly grew up on the grounds of the palace of a Malaysian sultan whom adopted this family as his own. This exposed her to wealth. It also created insecurity of not truly belonging with the aristocrats. Before meeting Najib in 1980s, she eyed Brunei royalty as prospects for marriage. Relationships appeared to be transactional. 

Meanwhile, Low was setting up base in KL Petronas Towers, a symbol of prestige,  splurging on interior design and staff. He recruited Seet Li Lin, a Singaporean he befriended at Wharton.  He also reeled in Eric Tan , a key member who later came to be known as 'Fat Eric' .

Image from https://www.sarawakreport.org/2015/02/jho-lows-people-a-life-in-the-day/

Image from https://www.kosmo.com.my/2022/06/14/eric-tan-sekutu-jho-low-diisytihar-bankrap/

To build connections, he would send chocolates and flowers to prospective partners and offered personal favours. He needed a malay protector and that is where Nizam Razak, met through Riza Aziz, stepson of Najib Razak stepped in. 

Chapter Five: A Nice Toy 

Image taken from https://www.newarab.com/news/uae-ambassador-washington-linked-multi-billion-fraud-scandal

Otaiba's business partner, Shaher Awartani (recently becoming UAE's ambassador to the United States) had good news. The pair was about to make $10 million through a deal Low set up in Malaysia. The chapter is titled based on Awartani's suggestion that they should buy themselves a "nice toy", i.e a  Ferari after what could only be described as a 'transfer from Jho'. 

Shaher Awartani came into the picture from a time when Jho Low was keen on leveraging his connections, where he set up a British Virgin Islands entity known as 'Abu Dhabi Kuwait Malaysia Investment Company' and gave free shares to Otaiba and minor aristocrats from Kuwait & Malaysia. This created an illusion of prominent key players backing the company. This eased the loans of tens of millions. He used this to acquire construction companies, and a subsidiary of Wynton took loans to finance minority stakes in the Iskandar land project alongside Mubadala. 

Low also utilised offshore accounts. An 'offshore' designation refers to jurisdictions whose financial systems are much larger than their domestic economies; in other words, the banking system exists purely for non-residents to stash cash, compared to other banks which serve local citizens and companies.

Low proceeded to set up ADIA Investment Corporation and KIA Investment Corporation--which gave the illusion of being related to Abu Dhabi Investment Authority (ADIA) and Kuwait Investment Authority (KIA) , two of the most famous wealth funds in the world. The chapter goes on to depict the rich but naive Chief Minister Taib (One of Malaysia's richest individuals, dabbling in logging and oil palm plantations of Borneo Island was his next victim.) 

Image taken from 
https://www.sarawakreport.org/2012/09/usd15-billion-taib-is-the-richest-man-in-malaysia/

Taib had heard of Low who was touting Mubadala's ambitions to invest more widely and Taib was keen to build palm oil refineries and other energy projects in Sarawak. Low persuaded Taib to buy the construction companies and Iskandar land. A few months later, Wynton, Low's company completed the sale of its stake in Iskandar Land to UBG, a holding company overseen by Taib. in return for cash and shares. It made him th largest shareholder for UBG-- and he beasted of his $110million profit for Wynton by selling to Taib at a significant markup. 

Jho Low traded his E-series Mercedes for a Black Ferarri, his new toy. But this displeased his arab counterparts who felt sidelined and that they were only being "throwed a bone" when it was their name that resulted in the profits in the first place. 

This was how Jho Low first developed a deal making reputation. He was no longer a nobody but an investor with a track record. This meant business meetings and society gatherings at Kuala Lumpur's elite. It was THIS NAME BUIDING that led him to an ambitious banker at Wall Street. You guessed it.

Tim Leissner.

Chapter 6: Doctor Leissner , I Presume

Hank Paulson of Goldman Sachs steered towards China, where it made money advising the communist government on how to privatize companies and become one of the 1st foreign banks to set up a local securities joint venture. 

*Definition: The term "securities" includes investments such as stocks, bonds, notes, debentures, oil and gas contracts, etc

China's potential was looking good. Malaysian economy which supplied China with raw materials were registering their own solid economic expansions of more than 5% annually. This invited some sort of a 'look east' policy. 

(TL:DR: A policy set up by Mahathir in 1982 to trade more with Japan /South Korea versus British brands)

In early 2009, thirty nine year old German, Tim Leissner who was a rising star at Goldman in Asia was tasked to discuss with Sultan of Terengganu, and at the time, Agong, Sultan Mizan Zainal Abidin. Leissner spent a decade building connections in Malaysia. One of those connections led to Jho Low,  (through his friend Roger Ng, another investment banker in Goldman) who brokered this meeting. Now it was time for the groundwork was to take fruit. 

      

Top Picture taken from https://www.hmetro.com.my/global/amerika-utara/2022/02/811471/skandal-1mdb-leissner-mengaku-tamak;
Bottom picture taken from https://www.freemalaysiatoday.com/category/nation/2022/11/12/roger-ng-sues-ex-goldman-boss-leissner-for-us130mil/

Low informed Leissner of the sultan's plans to set up an investment fund to manage his state's oil and gas wealth. By the end of the brokered meeting, Goldman clinched a contract to advise on the formation of a new fund which was to be known as the Terengganu Investment Authority for a fee of $300,000.00.

(This was considered a trivial sum by Wall Street standards!)

Backstory on Leissner-- he comes from MONEY. He's he middle of three brothers. His dad was a senior executive at Volkswagen. He received exclusive training camps in Europe and United States. As a 17 year old he spent a year as an exchange student in Millbrook School in upstate New York. This was his first taste of being abroad.

Something about these SCHOOLS man! 
Image from https://asia.nikkei.com/Opinion/A-new-era-of-Look-East-would-boost-both-Japan-and-Malaysia

After college in Germany, he headed to the States, in the University of Hartford in Connecticut for an MBA. Upon marrying a French-iranian he met there, he got his first job as an associate in J.P Morgan. While working there, he obtained a doctorate in business administration from the University of Somerset. (one of those colleges known for selling degrees to those looking to give their credentials a facelift)His interest in Asia stemmed from work done in Indonesia. By 1997 his marriage was falling apart and by then he moved to Hong Kong to work a new job with Lehman Brothers.

Goldman colleagues noticed his flair for making clients feel like they had a deep, personal connection with him. He was a relationship bankker, skilled at reeling important executives through magnetism than structure. He's the kind of guy who would sit next to clients in a boardroom than across it. 

*Info dump:

Traditional sovereign wealth funds invest oil profits and Low honed in on Terengganu, which was rich in offshore oil and gas fields. 

Low was ambitious of putting together a sovereign wealth fund in Malaysia. But he needed a source of initial funds. (He got acquainted with Sultan Mizan's sister who sat on board of the construction companies.)

This was why he needed the involvement of Goldman and Leissner. Within months of meeting with the sultan, Low was addressing bankers informally as "Bro", suggesting ways to depict the fund in media. HOWEVER, IN MAY 2009, the Sultan got cold feet. Low wanted to rush the deal through but had no clear investment plan. There wasn't even a full management team in place. Sultan Mizan was cautious of not gambling away the state's oil wealth. (Good on him!) 

Low, trying to push this deal through to the Sultan with no real plan:-

Low was close to emulating the fund manager he watched in the Middle East up close, but he was back to square one with Sultan Mizan ordering the funds to be shuttered. 

Me, after reading that he might have saved his state from possible embezzlement:-

The stars must have aligned for Low and he received his big break in the form of Najib Razak, who needed a pot of money to help restore his party's popularity and who recently became the Prime Minister in April 2009. Low moved fast to save his stillborn investment fund.

Chapter 7: Saudi "Royalty" (The First Heist)

This chapter refers to the fake royalty , one Tarek Obaid being the partner to the company PetroSaudi International which pioneered a joint venture plan with 1MDB (we will get to the backstory on its formation in this chapter). Being Chief Executive of Petrosaudi, allowed the bankers in Geneva, its base, to call him "Sheikh", a title normally reserved for royals or religious clerics, even though he was a commoner. 

Prior to reading this chapter, I would have had no reason to imagine what an 'Alfa Nero' was. But this is where Prime Minister Najib was cruisin' , off the coast of Monaco in the French Riviera with his royal highness, Prince Turki bin Abdullah, its owner.

Image of Prince Turki bin Abdullah taken from https://saudileaks.org/en/turki/

(Slight digression from the main topic: I recently learned that Monaco is its own country neighboring Nice, France, it is the second smallest country to the Vatican, it's one of the wealthiest countries--with the number of millionaires and billionaires residing in Monaco on the rise, it's a magnet for hedonists, has the most expensive real estate in the world, has a very low crime rate, hosts the Formula One Grand Prix)

In the first few weeks of new administration, Low helped Najib link up with the middle east. This was in line with his ambitions to transform Malaysia to a developed nation status. For this, he needed ARAB MONEY. 

 In Abu Dhabi, after dinner with the crown Prince in Emirates Palace, Najib announced the formation of a new Malaysian sovereign wealth fund, to be called 1 MALAYSIA DEVELOPMENT BERHAD(1MDB). It was simply the Terengganu Investment Authority which had raised $1.4 billion in Islamic bonds .

The prince had an interest to protect too, with PetroSaudi International, an international oil exploration firm would win rights in foreign countries keen to acquaint with Saudi Arabia. But the company's business was negligible. 

Info Dump :- What is an Islamic bond?

The idea is that since interest is forbidden in Islamic law, the issuer sells an investor group a certificate, then uses the proceeds to purchase an asset that the investor group has direct partial ownership interest in. The issuer must also make a contractual promise to buy back the bond at a future date at par value. 

Low cashed in on connections with Otaiba to arrange the meeting with the crown prince and to obtain a pledge for them to invest in Malaysian projects. 

What was 1MDB's original purpose?

1MDB was intended to invest in green energy and tourism to create high-quality jobs for Malaysians. The fund, as represented by Low, would take money from Middle East and borrow from global markets. The SECONDARY purpose was of course as a vessel for political financing. Profits from here could fill a war chest that could be used to pay off political supporters and voters! The fund's charitable arm was intended to award scholarships and build affordable housing.

ON THE BOAT, Prince Turki and Najib began discussing the possibility of Petrosaudi partnering with the new 1MDB fund. Days after the meeting on the boat, Prince Turki wrote to Najib with official Saudi government letterhead, promising a prospect of a joint venture, with 1MDB pumping in $1 billion in cash, and Petro Saudi would put its oil assets (rights to develop fields in Turkmenistan and Argentina).

Chapter 8 : Hitting a Gold Mine 

This chapter introduces Patrick Mahony. A British banker who worked for Ashmore. He was director of investments at Petro Saudi. After the meeting in the yacht, Najib agreed to the outline of the deal presented by Obaid, so Mahony and Low were in the Mandarin Oriental in Columbus Circle to put the plan in motion. 

Described as handsome,  talented and ambitious, and having a reputation for being smart but cold. As news articles now report it, the now ex JV partner and Chief investment officer is alleged to have received a mysterious $33million fee in October 2009.  :- Image taken from https://www.theguardian.com/world/video/2016/jul/28/patrick-mahony-calls-xavier-justos-wife-laura-audio

He communicated with Obaid, (whom he acquainted with in the school they attended together in Geneva) in a mixture of English and French. He stumbled across Jho Low who was promising to bring $1 billion in sovereign money into a deal. With that, this deal was made a priority.

Although the initial plan was for oil exploration, Low sensed an opportunity for financial killing. Najib held the highest position as CHAIRMAN of the Board of advisors with power to both appoint and veto decisions. The fund appointed Shahrol Halmi as Chief Executive , Casey Tang as finance director, and Jasmine Loo as legal counsel. The fund had given Low a freehand to sprinkle his associates, but he himself did not hold any prominent position. 

Halmi was a former consultant at Accenture Malaysia. He was thrust into the limelight after a damning report by the Public Accounts Committee (PAC) blamed him for the mismanagement at 1MDB.
- Image obtained from https://theedgemalaysia.com/article/cover-story-who-shahrol

Image taken from https://www.thevibes.com/articles/news/72931/govt-seeks-to-seize-car-properties-cash-from-ex-1mdb-executive-director

*Re Casey Tang:- As recent as May 2023, The Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC) said it had succeeded in repatriating an individual involved in 1MDB and SRC International investigations through cooperation with international law enforcement agencies after being 'on the run' since 2018.

*Re Jasmine Loo - As recent as September 2023 it was reported that Former 1MDB lawyer Jasmine Loo has led police to identify assets worth over RM93.2 million that were purchased using 1MDB funds (Deputy Inspector-General of Police Ayob Khan Mydin Pitchay) after she surrendered herself to Malaysian authorities on July 7th, 2023. 

Coming back to the setting up of 1MDB, days after the Mandarin Oriental meeting, Jho Low linked Obaid, Patrick Mahony and Seet Li Lin in Geneva for breakfast near the lake at the center of the city.

Geneva had been a cesspool of fugitives and more recently, global financiers:-

Image taken from https://www.worldatlas.com/lakes/lake-geneva-switzerland.html

The purpose of the meeting was for all the key players to be able to communicate directly without cc-ing Low for governance purposes. He also instructed his inner circle to destroy emails after reading them. After the breakfast, Mahony emailed PetroSaudi's bank BSI to kickstart a business account for the new entity. Mahony explained that the new venture would be receiving $1 billion from a Malaysian fund and Low would be taking a cut as a fee for brokering the deal. 

However, the BSI banker wrote an email turning down the seemingly dodgy arrangement, with special emphasis on the involvement of Jho Low.

The BSI Banker's alarm bells ringing (is ALL OF US who follow this story):-

But while BSI closed their doors, J.P Morgan welcomed them in , asking minimal questions on why a sovereign wealth fund needed a relationship with a Swiss private bank. In order to make the PetroSaudi and 1MDB JV legit, a former senior US State Department analyst at Lehman Brothers, Edward Morse was consulted to valuate PetroSaudi's assets before the $1 billion could be sent over. 

Pictured is Edward Morse, image taken from https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2020-03-09/citi-oil-veteran-says-20s-likely-on-unique-demand-supply-shock

Mahony needed a valuation of $2.5 billion for PetroSaudi. Within two days, he was done with his report, a technical analysis of reserves and prices based on numbers provided by PetroSaudi. His final figure sat at 3.6 billion.He left with $100,000.00 for the work.

In other words, Edward Morse basically did this:-

On September 26th 2009, 1MDB's newly constituted board met in KL to approve the initial $1 billion transfer from the fund to the Swiss Account set up for the Joint Venture. A multi-million dollar deal had crystalised from a span of a month from a meeting on a yacht. 

Such a time frame to complete due diligence, asset valuations, and other legal checks was unheard of. Such deals would normally take a YEAR to conclude.

Chapter 9: "I Feel the Earth Move"

The title of this chapter derives from Seet Li Lin, (Low's Wharton contact) who posted on Facebook:- 

"i feel the earth move..."

..on the same day that they managed to commit, basically, a daylight robbery of $700 MILLION.

---

Jacqueline Ho in KL Court as the 30th prosecution witness in the 1MDB trial  is the best image I could find on the net unfortunately - Image from https://www.malaymail.com/news/malaysia/2022/06/21/deutsche-bank-pressed-to-speed-up-1mdbs-us1b-money-transfer-as-pm-najib-would-be-issuing-press-statement-ex-banker-tells-court/13416

Jacqueline Ho, an employee with Deutsche Bank in Malaysia was the relationship manager for 1MDB, and Casey Tang, the funds' executive director was on the phone pressuring her to make payments out of the country. The problem?

The Deutsch Compliance Department had serious doubts:-

'Why wasn't $1 billion flowing into the joint venture with Petro Saudi as agreed by 1MDB Board? How come Casey was asking for $700 million (Jho Low's commission) to be put into an unnamed account with RBS Coutts in Zurich?'

Casey tried to pass the unknown account off as being owned by Petro Saudi. Jacqueline's supervisor dialed Bank Negara Malaysia to check if it was okay to proceed with the enormous transaction. Bank Negara green-lighted it, so long as the money was going into the joint venture.

Then, Deutsche sent two wires around 3 pm. One was $300 million to the joint venture's new account at J.P Morgan (Suisse) and another , $700 million to the (now not so) mysterious account at Coutts in Zurich.

Now, bear in mind the money was travelling in dollars. Pursuant to American anti-money-laundering laws, correspondent banks are obliged to check its source and use. But with TRILLIONS of dollars moving in and out daily, the mechanism is almost superficial. J.P Morgan let the money through. 

Two days later, Coutts' regulatory risk department in Zurich sent an email to 1MDB, confused by Deutsche Bank's omission of the full name of the beneficiary of $700 million transfer as was required. Shahrol Halmi covered it up by saying it was owned by a Seychelles Company called Good Star Ltd, and represented that it is 100% owned by PetroSaudi International Ltd. 

In reality it was a bearer sharer company, (the kind made illegal in many jurisdictions) and its single share was held by ......

Any guesses for who Good Star Ltd really belongs to? 

Yes, Jho Low. And yes, $700 million. 

Coutts bankers were not buying this story. So Casey Tang and Josephine Ho had to take a trip to Zurich to 'damage control' . But this time, the narrative was that 1MDB decided to put in $700 million into the recipient of these monies, Good Star, an investment management company. 

Why would a Malaysian state fund dump that BIG amount of money into a Seychelles fund management company? 

Unfortunately, (for Malaysians) , whatever the Coutts bankers' concerns were, the bank pushed the transfer through. The head of the table divided the shares among the group, with Obaid receiving $85 million, and a further $68 million. Obaid then paid $33 million to Patrick Mahony , then sent $77 million of that amount to Prince Turki. 

This was Low's first major heist . Even after his partners received their cut, Jho Low still had sole control over hundreds of millions of dollars. This catapulted him to see what could be in store for him on an international scale, with United States being the next mission. 

------

So that concludes the First Part (out of the Five available) of this book. These are the key players which have all systemically caused a great deal of damage to our nation. 

In the course of making this post, I also realised that I don't have the energy to do this for the remaining chapters. In all honesty, I am so grateful that all this FILTH was eventually uncovered and the rightful parties have been prosecuted for it. My hope is that one day Jho Low is brought to face the judicial  consequences of his actions. 

A documentary titled Man on the Run is going to be released on this, I am definitely watching it ! 

(You can watch the trailer here!)

Hope that this was insightful !

On Denial (or 'delulu', as they call it these days)

Imagine this. 

You are in an airplane, flying across the ocean, and halfway across the ocean, a little light comes on that indicates that your oil pressure is low. 

Instead of doing something productive about it, your body automatically shifts to DENIAL that that's happening to you, (maybe because facing that it's actually happening mid-flight is too terrifying)

So what it is that you do? You take a piece of DUCT TAPE, tape it over that little light, and forget that it's there. 

Problem solved? ..To someone in denial, that very apparent crisis is now packaged into the 'crisis averted' folder in their heads.

Hello there, deniers, this is one's for you. 

*Above analogy is plucked from a Teal Swan youtube video I watched on Denial

----

1. Denial, the (last) 'truth'-bender. 

What makes wishful thinking, which is just innocent hope, cross into the realm of its dangerous cousin, 'denial' ? 

Denial, is when people bend the truth to fit their pre-existing lens of a situation because facing situations for what it really is , will ruin the warm glow of the life that they know it to be.  It denies that there is even the existence of a changed baseline, a manipulated variable. It makes erroneous comparisons. 

Denial, is someone looking at the clear facts and seeing a problem, while the denier is looking right at it saying "WHAT PROBLEM" as if it genuinely does not exist. Somehow they have mastered the ability to make visible things disappear as if it is not part of the facts to begin with. It's a superpower, really ! 

It looks like echo chambers and logical fallacies, two topics which really pique my interest. 

It could look as harmless as a 70 old man saying;

"I've climbed this mountain twice before, so of course I can do it again"  (while actively having a blind spot that that happened when he was younger and healthier) (Also known as a 'false equivalence' logical fallacy)

--All's sunshine and roses until, in reliance on this truth-bending, he goes up the mountain the 3rd time, and, um, I don't know... dies?

It can look like a woman who has stayed single for a long time because she genuinely believes no man is good enough, while being blind to the fact that her difficult, unpleasant personality, views and mindset is the reason nobody can build a relationship with someone like that.

--All's sunshine and roses until, in reliance on this supremacist belief, she dies alone because all the reasonably 'good ones' have been taken?

2. Denial is disguised laziness

What separates innocent procrastination (we all do it!) from laziness fueled by denial? 

Denial is a shortcut to not need to deal with an inconvenience immediately. 

The very fact that a problem could have been fixed when it was a small problem, but DENIED as even being a problem in the first place, - results in a MUCH LARGER catastrophe that now becomes too impossible to even conceptualize to fix. 

Denial can look like the harmless: "I will do this tomorrow" , "It's not a pressing need", "Actually it's still usable if we do ____  (the classic 'work-arounds', seem familiar?)". 

Denial can look like "Oh there appears to be a leak pattern in these walls here, but it's okay, water is coming out from our tap anyway , so is there really a problem?" when in fact, calling a plumber the first instance you saw it would have been a quick and much cheaper fix than now needing to break up large chunks of your wall to realign the pipes.

Denial looks like, not ticking all the little and doable tasks on your to-do lists because you deny that it's something that takes time and must be done now, because there is always tomorrow, except, ten other tasks surface tomorrow and little left-over task from today remains unattended until you're really, really unable to postpone it and now have to do it stressfully. 

3. Denial is both harmful and hurtful

What makes denial , as a shield for some to navigate their overwhelming days, become a sword to others?

In the comforts of rose tinted glasses, those who opt for denial will actually evolve a blindness or deafness to the real danger their coping mechanism pose to others. 

Denial can look as simple as announcing; "This car is fully functional, there is nothing wrong with it" , then, in reliance of that representation, someone else drives it, and the car (which is clearly not fully functional) dies in the middle of the highway and the person driving it is left stranded and distressed. 

Denial can look like the head of a household developing a hoarding habit where more and more junk is stored in the front porch because "these things might work someday", or "Actually there is nothing wrong with it", when the storing of all this mess creates a nest for rats who have now made it their condominium, along with the fumes of pests enter the house. Meanwhile, the general appearance of randomly arranged junk gives others who live in this home an immediate negative mental impact, which affects their mood, which affects their interaction with all others in the house, which leads to wars both internal and external. 

Denial can look like a firm insistence that a friendship is platonic when someone in the equation has presented ample evidence that it's romantic to them and feelings are developed. The hurt from not nipping someone's feelings in the budding stage (because it's harmless, and because nobody actually confessed their feelings) only magnifies the impact of hurt someone feels when they have all this snowballed feelings that they find out could never be reciprocated.

Denial can look like carrying on with a relationship, or even a career that is slowly killing you day by day, because "too much went into it" already. (This is also synonymous with a 'sunk-cost' fallacy !) It is an adaptive a blindness to the negative factors in continuing this path of decision. It's like flogging a dead horse ! 

Denial can look like putting off a difficult conversation with a friend that has hurt you with something they did in the past, but one day exploding on their face for something trivial as a result of a build up of all the previous times the hurt went unaddressed.

You get the idea.

---

You wanna know the worse thing about calling out someone so entangled in the webs of denial? 

....THEY WILL DENY IT !

Threshold

     One of the more consistent themes I've considered tattooing on myself is a wrist holding a deck of cards. The idea behind it is that everyone's given the exact set of cards that they need to win the game of life they were put on earth to 'win'. You owe it to yourself to play the best game available out of the cards you are dealt with. 

    Even so, as much as we would like to think our set of cards are wholly and entirely unique, there are certain overlaps between one or two cards in our deck to the one or two someone else has in theirs. When explained like this, the rationale of why you should not compare or take someone else's advise as the bible truth, becomes clearer. 

    If you think about it, their advise or opinion is tainted with the bias of their own set of cards (which are not yours). It's riddled with their own trials and errors. Their own risk appetite. Their own tresholds.

    You see, everyone's baseline was never the same to begin with. The idea that the greatest of your joys and pain is yours to bear, but also, in differing intensities, also a universal experience is weirdly comforting, ...no? Just look at the way poets describe longing. The way directors depict bone chilling horror. It's not your longing, not your fears, and yet, something inside you can #relate.

    Sometimes, what takes you three years to get over could take someone else a mere three weeks. Sometimes, what looks like way too much work on someone's plate to be done by a single person is another person's regular Friday night. What seems like an extremely liberal mindset to one, is only average in another person's life. What seems like abuse and dehumanization to one, resembles 'true love' to another. What appears as irresponsible spending to one, is another's purchase of their version of happiness. What looks like bad parenting to one, is how another parent intends to break generational trauma. What looks like wasted efforts to one, is just another exhausted means to getting where they want to be at. Three hours of exercise can look vastly different to an adult who grappled with teen obesity, compared to someone who is of normal weight and is just about to get into shape. Some people die for their religion, while others may look at all religions as just another medium to connect to a higher being. What appears like bravery, honour and sacrifice to someone considering enlisting in the army, could look like selfishness or foolishness to another member of their family. What sounds like pure distressing noise to one person is another's favourite genre of music. 

That's because, to state the obvious, we come with different thresholds.

    Often, when we play our game of life, we fall into the trap of abandoning our course, our intuition, trust in our own trial and errors. We try to live it through another's' prescription/life advise/dispositions/ideas and most importantly thresholds, because it looks like they have things figured out. But we often forget that each person had a different baseline or climate to work with, and in adopting that:

    You risk trying to mimic someone in the middle of their journey, while only being at the start of yours, THEN prematurely labeling yourself as a failure if it does not work out.

    You risk the path perfectly carved out for you falling through , because you have chosen to abandon it by looking at someone else's life choices as precedent to what you should do next.  

-------

"We become who we love."

That was a theme in a sermon of one of my friend's wedding this weekend. While most times this is beyond our control, may we never forget or abandon our own hand of cards. 

We got this. 

Sweet Dreams

     The softness of her lips and the musk of her perfume was starting to slowly crumble away like a long-term memory just about to leave the cerebral cortex permanently. In the background, she hears the sound of her bedroom door open, and a question being directed to her if she were going to wake up and start living what would be a whole day ahead. After all, off-days are virtually impossible to come by. Half of her was still in this space, whatever it was, in the depths of her subconscious, tangled in between a sea of comforters, being held the way only a passionate lover would and feeling a sense of peace unmatched by any real experience she’s ever had.  Beside her, there is the woman she’s loved almost hopelessly, most of her adult life, against all reason and logic, waiting to see if she would stay or go.

Another half of her managed to nod an answer out at reality, to indicate that she would awake soon. She heard her bedroom door close. Her eyelids slowly peeled apart. It was just another day.  Except this time, she was waking up from a nearly 15-hour slumber. She thought about how the most beautiful experiences she’s felt lately took place in the form of dreams. She drew a parallel to a drug-addicts who desire to be in a constant state of high because their realities have become unbearable. Even so, she made a choice. Reality won today.

Age and experience created an understanding that her that that the body and mind, this vessel our very soul lives in was never meant to be the enemy, and it’s in fact, doing everything it can to keep you moving, breathing, living. It’s resilient, and chooses LIFE, always. The proof is in ourselves. It’s in how our brain chemicals are positively altered when we exercise and oil our machine. It’s in our legs that would go on to take us millions of steps in a single lifetime, our skin which glows for us when fed right, our stretchmarks that act as a testament to how we have been fed well, and of course the very process of homeostasis. We bounce back from food poisoning. We bounce back from viruses and fevers. We even bounce back from some of our bones fracturing. Our body doesn’t voluntarily give up on us, not by choice, no.

When we expect a bio-engineering feat, millions of years in the making, (i.e our very existence) to conform to our desired pace and present knowledge/experience of the world disregarding what the BODY wants or subconsciously knows is best for itself, we pay the price of it. For a brief moment, she wondered, why, out of all the movies that the brain could have put on queue in the after-hours, it chose heartbreak.

Then it hit her. Everything is really, a message. There’s an unmet need. There’s a suppressed emotion, or rather, a ‘pain that demands to be felt’, to quote John Green.

________

 We could have all the ideations of what we want our life to be like, but the universe may have other plans. That is why we all do not get to end up with the people we love. We do not have the benefit of foresight to see what bullets we should be dodging. We do not see what people really think about us or want for us. But the universe does.

...And you better be damn sure that it’s looking out for you.