The saddest thing about a bitter breakup

I think, one of the saddest things about a breakup besides the
obvious 'broke-my-trust-yada-yada' things is this;

It's that you start forgetting all the nice things about the person you dated. The reason it worked, the things you admired, and loved. Some do it intentionally to come to terms with what they have done (like I don't know, if they are the dumper).

 Like, maybe if they focused on all the negative things about them; or all the hate and disappointment leading to the split and completely DELETED the laughs and love, then they somehow convince themselves that they have made the right choice to ease their guilty conscience existent from having hurt another person tremendously. A person they once loved, whom made their lives a happier place once upon a time. Or they start creating things to have hated . 'How did I not see this before, I was just being used' (even though they might not have been). Again, in the name of easing a guilty conscience.

Others, may do it unintentionally. (like I don't know, if they are the dump-ee)
Like somehow, if they focused on all the bad things, they can convince themselves that their lost love was way below what they deserved and someone out there is going to be on par with all that they deserve. Maybe that's the only consolation they have for themselves, really.

And somewhere in between all that mess, we lose sight of all the peace. All the inside jokes, the places you visited, the clothes you wore to those places, it gets sucked into this void of memories waiting to be sucked into a blackhole, never to be retrieved again. [Sort of like that scene in 'Inside out' where Bing Bong...*nevermind, I don't do spoilers*]

Then when we face them again, we don't see that person as a person anymore, instead--we stare at a pinnacle of discomfort, unhappiness, anger and possibly hate. And that, ladies and gentlemen-- The moment when the love morphs into that discomfort, is the saddest thing.

of course, it does not apply to everyone, because I know a few people who can maintain happy relationships with their exes and it's all fine and stuff.

In fact, I personally don't hate any ex. I could be out sometimes, and I would hear a song or smell something that reminds me of what was, and I don't feel hate. Just smile to myself, and take a deep breath thinking about how everything is reduced to nothing, that's all. Because nobody crosses your path without a reason. Everyone you meet is a lesson. And man did I learn. ;')

P/S: I wish nothing but happiness for you, and if I really loved as much as only I know is possible, then I would rather you stay happy and being the best version of yourself with someone who can make it possible rather than miserable and chained down with me. I can never bring myself to hate.
 

My take on December. (at least, the days I've had of it..)

Hello there.

 Remember those face morphs I used to devote my life to , since I was 14? I have it compiled here; http://ameliamariegasper.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-look-alikes.html They have an internet term for it now, (okay not NOW, been sometime) and it's called 'facemath'. It's all over the internet, hence making my originals much less special to look at that I just gave up.

 F.Y.I --I swear I did not steal their idea, It was just something I've always done then suddenly everyone got the same idea months later.. Too bad I removed all my dated older posts so there is no such thing as proof.

Christmas is soon approaching, and the hype is prevalent in everyone , christian or not. Just enter a mall...

"LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOWW!!"

If you dont know that one you haven't been to much malls recently or you've been to one that only knows how to play 'Jingle Bells' and other boring loops. The decorations, music and atmosphere is enough to move someone taking it really seriously.

Not surprisingly, the same cannot be said for me. The Christmas magic vanished roughly 4 to 5 years ago for me. I used to feel like the only one in my household who takes it so seriously and joyfully. Then everyone's negative energy rubbed onto me and it has stuck ever since.

Last time I could write about so much for pretty much nothing eventful going on. (Ah, how I love reading my early teen journals. They are something I would take with me till I'm old and withered.) Now there are so many eventful personality/character building things taking place and I have none of those documented.

It seems like I remember to come back to this blog and feel like there's much to write about when I am sad about something. So the posts would look emo. That is an incorrect reflection of who I am. 

Thursday, 5.12.13 was the first day of 'Law of Tort', since AS levels exams ended. Came in with the spirit to learn, especially since getting the new book today--buuuut the energy died out an hour and a half later. One can only have that much focus when sitting close to the last row of a class of 400++ people.

Other brief updates:

Got addicted to virtual scrabble, then got over it only to enter the clasp of the Candy Crush demon which managed to escape me for all these years. Always thought it was a stupid game.

 

Got my nose pierced on Sunday (1.12.13). Does not hurt like I expected it to. Makes me look more matang, kot. 

 

I fully healed from a series of purging and vomitting which has been happening for the past 3 days, today. I dont think I have felt that sick in those past three days for this year.

I have been crying so much more. I know that it's healthy for the body. It is not weakness.

My cousin is getting engaged in JB this Saturday. First engagement in the family, so it's a pretty big deal. I love when the whole family gets together.

Got new clothes from the sister who kinda owes me a lot of money .

I really want to start reading again. Have not read most of the books I bought even from last year. (not including those got this year)

I guess that's about it. Till next time !

(Extended periods of) lone time.

T-t-tthis  bbb-bl-o..oogg?!
 IT'S ALIIIIVE!

*Evil laugh*


It's been months since I have let alone visited this site, what more posted in it.






I used to check-in here to write with an abundance of energy and thoughts , the way it would be if a tap isn't turned off even after a cup is filled to the brim. And what was in this blog, was just the excess. The little that overflows.

Hey Amelia how are you what's happening with your life are you okay are you pregnant you're still alive?

My life? It's like the lines from the Lily Allen song 'Why';

" Why is my phone full of so many numbers,
And why doesn't anyone call.
Maybe they think that I'm always too busy,
Or maybe I've no friends at all."

If what you derived from that is that I am sad and lonely then I need to rethink the way I represent my thoughts. Basically, I am happy with my life. The happiest I've been. But I have lost contact with a number of people from my past which troubles me. I feel like they are making attempts to reach out for me. To have me in their life. But I am the one always subconciously pushing them away.

*maybe that's why I dream of teeth/teeth falling a lot*

It's not even the typical , 'too-afraid-of-getting-hurt' or 'dealing-with-not-being-important-to-people-who-are-important-to-me' story.

I cannot blame it on stress, because I am not exactly stressed. I don't know what it is either. It's like the stereotypical teens you see in these American movies. A parent's worst nightmare,-- their daughter evolving into some anti-social rebel hipster who thinks everything is overrated, including life itself. No explanation provided. Except I don't think I am too cool for life. And I'm not a hipster. I just, I dont feel like communicating and socializing as much anymore.

Again, I feel like I am misrepresenting myself.

I dont hate the world. More often than not, it's the tiredness from my 6am-7pm day.

I guess everyone needs their lone-time sometimes. There are times I wish I could just be on facebook but be invisible to people so that they wont get offended by thinking I am avoiding them if I do not respond to their very friendly, nice attempts at connecting with me again through fb chat.  (I am looking at you, Becky--I wonder how you bear with me sometimes.) I know that it's possible to just 'appear offline' on chat but I want to constantly see who's online at the same time. So how? Masalah dunia pertama. (that's first world problems, heheh.)

I guess it's the fact that these people were once up to date with every little life progress I have made , and the period of lost contact makes it difficult to bring up things from these past few months without feeling like I'm being self absorbed. (Because when I talk about myself I tend to expect undivided attention, and a discussion on me to be listened to, not merely heard.)

Last time feeling like I was self absorbed was acceptable. Now it isn't. Because everyone's got their own story too , waiting to be listened to.

To summarize, it's like if you don't know about everything that is happening in my life now you're as close to not being my friend. And if I do tell you about the details of what's going on, and you're going to be judgemental about it and reconsider being friends with me , I cannot tahan. ;(

I've come to the root of the problem. It isnt fear of hurt or not being important, it is fear of rejection + judgement.

Cahll--ege !

I have forgotten how much I love typing like it's the last day I'm ever going to type. (I'm talking about my bullet speed-lengthy rants) . I took such a long break from this that I'm slowly losing the ability to do that.

Even the posting layout on blogger has changed ! (is that how long I was absent?)

Anyway.
HAYY there, HAYYYYY. ;)

..that's my college life in a picture.

Everyday, the theme is: Drained out of energy. But twas worth it.

That is my college's relax area. It is amazing. I remember taking a nap on one of the sofas there, with my music in my ears. When I woke up it was like I didn't know what day it was or where I was. *That says something about it's comfort.* Unless you're not my size, in which your body cant fit in that and you're bound to wake up with aches that last weeks.

*perks of being small, yay.* (Y)

To summarize, I love it, my college life.

 Things that are different about it:

1. It's been months and I'm STILL meeting new faces and personalities. Such a large scale social environment for a college which isn't even thaaat big.

2. I have properly developed my own identity, and am appreciated for it. (In other words, I've never been more comfortable being myself)

3. It is easy to develop crushes on everyone

4. I am much more active and walking, and by the time I come home all I want to do is sleep (which compels me to skip dinner) , which translates to ... WEIGHT LOSSSS~! :)

5. The friends I've made are so very different and constructive for me. It's unhealthy how attached I've gotten to them in such a short while. *I'm looking at you, Roseveen.*

6. The freedom of choice when it comes to style/choice of clothes. Like, I can't be that 'pick-first-thing-I-see-in-closet-and-put-it-on' person anymore. If anything, I learned that taking the effort to incorporate your style into clothes is well rewarding. :)

--but of course sometimes it is perfectly fine to wear weirdass things for the sake of it.

7. This one is important. Important enough to be put in bold and red. SELF DISCIPLINE. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be a cool ass kid like me and still get them grades without the self discipline to study. I used to have it, but it is slipping away faster than I can say the word 'priorities'.


8. Spending money became a more prominent thing my life. "Am I willing to spoil myself with this now and not have that thing I want tomorrow?" Decisions, decisions. -.-




9. The teaching style is way more liberal and it's easy to not pay attention, (drift of) and then return to reality 10 minutes later and be like; 'What am I doing in college?' For the most part I try and not have that happen to me. I try.


10. Because a list isn't quite whole without a number 10 -- The money my parents put into this is craaazy so it makes me feel HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE for slacking. The goal-- the aim here, is supposed to be 3A*s, so I can get some scholarship and they wont come up with any more money if I have intentions of going overseas. I keep needing to remind myself of this.


I guess that's it for now. I am sorry for semi-abandoning this? :(