Sweet Dreams

     The softness of her lips and the musk of her perfume was starting to slowly crumble away like a long-term memory just about to leave the cerebral cortex permanently. In the background, she hears the sound of her bedroom door open, and a question being directed to her if she were going to wake up and start living what would be a whole day ahead. After all, off-days are virtually impossible to come by. Half of her was still in this space, whatever it was, in the depths of her subconscious, tangled in between a sea of comforters, being held the way only a passionate lover would and feeling a sense of peace unmatched by any real experience she’s ever had.  Beside her, there is the woman she’s loved almost hopelessly, most of her adult life, against all reason and logic, waiting to see if she would stay or go.

Another half of her managed to nod an answer out at reality, to indicate that she would awake soon. She heard her bedroom door close. Her eyelids slowly peeled apart. It was just another day.  Except this time, she was waking up from a nearly 15-hour slumber. She thought about how the most beautiful experiences she’s felt lately took place in the form of dreams. She drew a parallel to a drug-addicts who desire to be in a constant state of high because their realities have become unbearable. Even so, she made a choice. Reality won today.

Age and experience created an understanding that her that that the body and mind, this vessel our very soul lives in was never meant to be the enemy, and it’s in fact, doing everything it can to keep you moving, breathing, living. It’s resilient, and chooses LIFE, always. The proof is in ourselves. It’s in how our brain chemicals are positively altered when we exercise and oil our machine. It’s in our legs that would go on to take us millions of steps in a single lifetime, our skin which glows for us when fed right, our stretchmarks that act as a testament to how we have been fed well, and of course the very process of homeostasis. We bounce back from food poisoning. We bounce back from viruses and fevers. We even bounce back from some of our bones fracturing. Our body doesn’t voluntarily give up on us, not by choice, no.

When we expect a bio-engineering feat, millions of years in the making, (i.e our very existence) to conform to our desired pace and present knowledge/experience of the world disregarding what the BODY wants or subconsciously knows is best for itself, we pay the price of it. For a brief moment, she wondered, why, out of all the movies that the brain could have put on queue in the after-hours, it chose heartbreak.

Then it hit her. Everything is really, a message. There’s an unmet need. There’s a suppressed emotion, or rather, a ‘pain that demands to be felt’, to quote John Green.

________

 We could have all the ideations of what we want our life to be like, but the universe may have other plans. That is why we all do not get to end up with the people we love. We do not have the benefit of foresight to see what bullets we should be dodging. We do not see what people really think about us or want for us. But the universe does.

...And you better be damn sure that it’s looking out for you.

Masochism

masochism

noun

• the tendency to derive sexual gratification from one's own pain or humiliation.
  "with things such as bondage and masochism, it's all right if you both go for it"
  
  
• (in general use) the enjoyment of an activity that appears to be painful or tedious.
  "there's plenty to do when the weather turns moorland walks into exercises in masochism"

*Read this again. Not to be mistaken for "machoism" , the quality or character of being macho. 

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As a kid, the idea that someone could 'enjoy' pain is absurd .

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Voluntary Assumption of Pain

But growing into an adult, you find that pain is at every corner, it's inevitable, inescapable. Pain can lurk at the end of two choices. All one can do is befriend it over time instead of constantly being at war with it, ...which ends up hurting you more than it needs to. I also learned that sometimes pain can disguise itself as benevolent, harmless, candy-lipped, gardenia-scented, profound-thinking, silk-smooth, people. The end result, might be that you voluntarily sign up for pain.

Pain as a Personality

What I also learned about pain is that, sometimes when you experience prolonged years of your life with a DEEP rooted sadness, it becomes a big part your personality, to the point that you don't know who you are without it. The idea that you can actually be happy again terrifies you because you forgot what that could feel like, or that you would develop a greater dependency than you have control over, on it. Or maybe, once you have tasted sheer unsuspecting joy, the thought that it will leave you again all too soon might feel like the absolute, irreparable destruction of you.

It would be a few more episodes of destruction before you realise that, humans are great at adaptation. Our entire biology is homeostatic which says a lot about us. To become 'hardened' is no longer a choice but an adaptation mechanism. The end result, might be, that you appear aloof and cold, so that only the most genuine of happiness, upon persistent and consistent efforts can make its way to your centre so that it does not leave easily.

Pain ≠ Depth

The other thing I can safely say from a masochistic perspective is that it people with deep pain are often easily mistaken for people of depth. From a personal perspective, what deep-rooted sadness does is that it creates deep layers to your personality, and it gravels , tunnels, funnels, deep inside you, creating its mazes and secret passageways. Sadness can sometimes feel like a guest who you had not seen in a while, who overstays their welcome despite being given obvious hints that it's time to go. Prima facie, it's easy to think that this depth surfaces in thought, in life choices, in music tastes, maturity. I have also regarded people who survived pain as 'superior' in some way. But recently, I realized that not all people experience sadness in the same way. This is my survivorship bias kicking in. 

"Survivorship bias or survival bias is the logical error of concentrating on entities that passed a selection process while overlooking those that did not. This can lead to incorrect conclusions because of incomplete data."

Pain and Cinema

TV Series- "A moment of Silence" (Spoiler Ahead)

I recently came across a collection of brilliant, disjointed short-episode series titled 'The Premise' by B.J Novak. 

Of all the episodes, there was one which stood out, titled 'Moment of Silence' ,  which depicted the story of a grieving father who had lost his daughter in a school shooting.

The story starts with him interviewing as PR for the National Gun Lobby. His lack of experience isn't looking too great for him until he asks the interviewer to look him up on Google.  The next scene pans to him getting his membership card printed. He's clearly gotten the role. It seems like he is the perfect guy for the role, advancing great arguments for and against the use of guns when asked by his superior without an ounce of hesitation. He appears to have no friends, no remaining family, and he has uprooted his entire life to take up this job. At his work, spends a lot of time in the basement range, shooting with both aggression and precision. He crafts interactions with the Office Security Guard and even his colleagues' dad which seem like they were purely accidental. He is often seen entering his office with lots of guns.

Over time, just as he orchestrated it, his colleague gets very suspicious of his behavior and motives. During what would be a memorial of his daughter's death, his boss asks if he would lead the 'moment of silence' to which he agrees enthusiastically, representing that he would be okay to do so. On the eve of the day, he is playing a shooting video game with his only friend and colleague , and he tells him "I don't think you should come into work tomorrow". These words, together with the previously staged interactions confirmed his suspicions, that he is going to gun down the whole office as an act of revenge, during the 'moment of silence'. Upon this shocking realisation, the colleague's immediate response was to invite him to go camping the next day, to take his mind off of things. This guy, the grieving father agrees to do so. He's told not to be late. The next day, the colleague is waiting at his home, and even though his watch shows 9am, nobody is there to pick him up. He runs into his office, to find that the grieving father is in his office and "forgot" about his plans to go camping. This is in spite of a huge black bag right at his feet, with a clearly pseudo excuse that he forgot despite packing for the trip. The grieving father informs his colleague that he should "still go". But his colleague is firm about his intention to stay right there. 

It's about 20 mins away from the live 'moment of silence' . The colleague subtly alerts everyone about the possibility that everyone in the office is going to be gunned down during the live telecast of the 'moment of silence' to act as a 'statement'/ revenge. The live video starts. The grieving father sits and faces the screen with a blank expression. Tensions are high. The silence is deafening. Few seconds pass of the livestream before the grieving father stands up and reaches into his blazer's pocket. Just as he does this, the fellow colleagues, all of which have been alerted to the 'unhinged bloodbath' that was to ensue, all fire at him at once, LIVE during the telecast.

The colleague who alerted everyone approaches his now lifeless friend, only to peer at what he gripped in his hand. It was a photo of his dead daughter. The entire ordeal was caught on camera. The screen fades to black, while the credits roll, in silence. So ends the episode 'Moment of Silence'.

It was a simple premise, but a brilliant, gut-wrenching one.

As a Reddit user puts it:

'His innocent death would have a much stronger message than getting off one or two kills before getting stopped by any and every other person carrying a gun in that building.'

Predestination (2014) - Movie

This movie blew my goddamn mind and I thought that it was a depiction of time-paradoxes. It was inspired off a Short Story titled 'All you Zombies' by Robert Heinlen, which, considering its time, was a well written plot. It had a mix of themes on gender, time-travel, what is fated or destined for you, or how much of it is choice. Sometimes, you can try to escape something as much as you want but in doing so, cause the very outcome you were trying to avoid. I wish I could say more about it but my brain is reeling in from what interpretations it is trying to give this movie.  

Pain and Music

So anyway, today's entry on pain can be tied to one of the reasons which I picked up French. Apart from the career opportunities , the joy of learning another language, I found that the grief found in some French songs matched the melodies of my heart precisely, in a way that English or Bollywood songs did not. I found a couple of artists who sang quite serious themes in such happy melodies like Angele and most recently La Zarra. So today I will share a song, with both French and English translation . Not the most gut wrenching, but it's the right amount of pain for the night. 

Même sans goûter, Même sans douter Tu diras que tu m’aimes Mais tu ne le penses pas Même sans goûter, Même sans douter Je dirai que tu ne m’aimes pas Et tu te lasseras Mais moi je m’en voulais, Moi je m’en voulais, Moi je m’en voulais Mais qu’est-ce que tu crois ? Que j’aime être contre toi Moi j’m’en doutais, Moi j’m’en doutais, Moi j’m’en doutais Tu t’en iras, comme tous les autres hommes avant toi Tu t’en iras, De mes bras Tu t’en iras, Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi Je n’attendrai pas Que tu le sois Mais tu grandiras Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi J’me sens brimée, Du mal à m’exprimer J’trouve pas les mots, Les fois que j’en dis trop Autant te dire Que j’m’attends au pire Est-ce de ma faute Est-ce de la tienne Ou celle des autres ? Moi J’ai douté, J’ai tant douté, J’ai trop douté J’ai perdu la foi, En l’amour d’autrefois Moi j’ai broyé du noir A force de redouter Que tu t’en iras Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi Tu t’en iras De mes bras Tu t’en iras, Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi Je n’attendrai pas Que tu le sois Mais tu grandiras Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi C’est trop d’effort Ça me dévore Y’a rien qui change Sauf le décor J'ai plus la force de devoir dire au revoir Tout ça pour toi Tout ça pourquoi Pour me mettre dans tous mes états Non fallait pas venir me voir Tu t’en iras De mes bras Tu t’en iras, Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi Je n’attendrai pas Que tu le sois Mais Tu grandiras Comme tous les autres hommes avant toi

English:

Without even a taste

Without even a doubt

You'll say that you love me

But you don't think so

Without even a taste

Without even a doubt

You'll say that you don't love me

And you'll get tired

But I blamed myself

I blamed myself

I blamed myself

What do you think ?

That I like being against you

I was sure of it

I was sure of it

I was sure of it

You'll get away, like all other men before you did

 

You'll get away

From my arms

You'll get away

Like all other men before you did

I will not wait

That you do

But you'll grow up

Like all other men before you did

 

I feel bullied

It's hard to express myself

Can't find the words

By fear of saying too much

Better tell you

That I expect the worst

Is it my fault

Is it yours or

The others' one?

I doubted

Doubted so much

Doubted too much

I lost faith

In old-fashioned love

I've been depressed

From too much fearing

You getting away

Like all other men before you did

 

You'll get away

From my arms

You'll get away

Like all other men before you did

I will not wait

That you do

But you'll grow up

Like all other men before you did

 

It's too much work

It's exhausting me

Nothing's changing

Except the background

I don't have the strength to say goodbye

All of this for you

All of this for what?

To go through all kinds of states of mind

No, you shouldn't have come

 

You'll get away

From my arms

You'll get away

Like all other men before you did

I will not wait

That you do

But you'll grow up

Like all other men before you did

https://lyricstranslate.com/en/tu-ten-iras-youll-get-away.html

Lessons on Peace.

People are walking contradictions. 

People ask for your opinion on something, but what they really want to hear is an echo of how they feel about the situation. 

So, if the opinion does not mirror theirs, believe it or not, ....they may not appreciate it? 

Similarly, people seek peace in temples, in music, psychological teachings, in art, a diet or in mediation practices, and yet, when the formula is as simple as a weekly prayer to a divine being to  'forgive us as we forgive those who sin against us' , the game changes. 

So.. about peace. 

Peace = War

In order to acquire peace, quite ironically, you have to war for it. Whether it is to be at war with your own thoughts, your own ego, or those of others, your fundamentals will often be put to the ultimate test. To truly test your ability to find peace you might have to brave hurricanes of chaos and situations that contradict your core values and your dreams. It is easy to be at peace when you're at the top of a mountain watching the sunrise amidst the sound of birds. But the true test of acquisition of peace is when you sit, unprovoked, in a boat amidst the storm. It's almost counterintuitive. Survival instincts will tell you it's the last thing to do. But you do it because, adulting is all about the tough choices.

Peace = Internal and external assurance

To be able to sit calmly in the boat amidst the storm is to be able to have faith that you will come out alright. Faith is multi-facetted. 

That faith could be premised on a divine being watching over your best interests so long as you sign a contract with it to 'do good' and please it. (Divine Contract)

That faith could stem from motivational words from your closest friends who want the best for you, so long as you provide the same motivations when the time calls for it. (Social Contract)

That faith could be based on a knowledge of yourself- i.e, ability to swim or, if situations leave you stranded on an island, you could start a fire, weave a raft, uncover what fruits are poisonus, or hunt and cook meat (Living skills basically) (Self-confidence) 

Peace = Loneliness 

With the 'Divine Contract' and the 'Social Contract' for example, these depend on the element of 'consideration' (used in the legal sense). If you do something morally ambiguous as a religious person, your belief that God is out there to look out for you may weaken because he is upset with you. Under the social contract, your friends' support for you comes with the standard obligations of reciprocity required of any friendship. However, as a working adult, navigating life as a different person in your teens, it becomes harder to become completely present for another , especially if you are pouring from an empty cup emotionally. At some point, if your grief or lack of peace prolongs for years without a resolution to the point that it takes a toll on your personality, this may impact your friendship. Because this is not the friend that they signed up for in the beginning. The idea of friendships being very transactional in nature is something most would not like to confront. 

But, when we are truly alone with our sordid thoughts, we are creatures of self-preservation. In fact, our entire biology was built that way. It's only healthy to take care of your emotional space to take some steps away from someone whose glass is perpetually half empty and whose life is constantly depressing because you will start to feel like they are not helping themselves.

When you are truly alone, CONFRONTING your demons, your darkest thoughts, for a significant amount of time -- you will come to realise your true strengths (and limitations) without someone else's lens. Whether someone is in your life or not, one day you will reach a point where it makes no difference and does not have the power to shake up your entire world.

When someone shares a different opinion such as the earth is flat, you let them live with their reality even though you have a different set of belief. Their belief does not anger you. When someone judges the way that you spend your money, you are secure that you have bought yourself your version of happiness, whether it looks like a new pair of trainers to some, or insurance to others. When someone cooks a food a different way than you are accustomed to, when they have different storage habits, cleanliness levels, or they wear a shirt that has some holes on it, you do not take it upon you to educate them of the 'right' way to do things. It doesn't impact you, because in the grand scheme of things, the impermanence of life and what a short time you have on it to be at war with others is always at the back of your mind. You live life with the realisation that existence on its own is a subjective experience. 

To be alone is to have room to explore your own taste in food, music and literature without constantly reaching a compromise with someone/ a group. It can feel like the most isolating thing in the world at first, bordering on thoughts of pointlessness to anything if you cannot share this experience with anyone. But to keep so many people in your life whose energy actively extinguishes your flame, is more harmful in the long run. And most importantly, to master the art of being alone is a sense of peace, and not have to feel like your mind is being pulled in seperate directions in thought from different peoples' opinions of what your decisions ought to look like. To find comfort in alone-ness is to gradually limit insecurity. 

Peace = Letting Go 

Sounds simple enough but what does this mean?

I recently learned of a story of an acquaintance who did not live with a parent due to misunderstandings which prolonged for two years over the messy state that the house was left. It turns out, the other parent whom was frustrated too, made the same decision. At some point, this culminated in a sudden death of the parent who was left alone. Suddenly, the idea that the state of the home was messy seemed much less significant in the face of the fact that they would never see or hear from that parent ever again.

Think about how short life is, in the grand scheme of things. We only have a limited time on earth to do good and be remembered for it.

With that said, to seek peace is to have compassion and empathy in your heart even for those who hurt us, because sometimes, as they are hurting us, they may not realise that is what they are doing. Sometimes, their mere existence, their thoughts and their world is something so inherently incompatible with our values that it can trigger us and disrupt our peace. (Here's the kicker, if you do not have compassion and empathy for your own self, how can it magically appear for others?)

Until very recently, I wanted to make a permanent decision to 'choose me' and detach completely from certain family members but a chain of events took place which forced me to reevaluate this decision. A 2 hour zoom call with my friend Abi (who's settling down well in the UK post exams!) certainly helped with this decision. 

I rethought my decision, and had an actual conversation where I took the time to do more listening to the source of much peace-disruption only to find out that certain words have been interpreted in a hostile light when they were not so. My own preconceptions of the situations hurt me, instead of the acts of that person itself. If I normalised things, then all around me will feel normal. If I walk around with a lack of peace within me, then all around me will feel like chaos. This is where empathy comes to play. It was a valuable lesson to preserve peace by giving the other the benefit of the doubt of 'good intentions' (Re: not 'best' intentions, just good intentions), coupled with an active respect for the subjectivity of the human experience. 

CAPTION:

"The man can't see the snake biting his wife, and the woman can't see the boulder on her husbands back, the moral of the story here is that sometimes a man can't see the pain that his wife is suffering from and women can't understand the pressure men feel on a day to day basis, within couples we need to learn to understand each other more and communicate better so we can seek out the problems and turn weaknesses into strengths"

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So, now that I have pondered upon some fundamentals, comes the 'practicing' part.

I struggle with this on the daily, being someone who is very led by emotion. I don't forget how someone makes me feel. Long after I have made the decision to forgive. And this is where the process of forgiveness is not complete. So when it's not complete, it is as good as it's not done. You don't get a certificate/medal for running half the race. Heck, you don't even get to say you 'ran the race'!

 

The Catch-22

Problem Statement:

Have you ever walked into a place and immediately felt your energy dissipate away from you?

Description of the problem:

Maybe the air around it is so grief-stricken, so self-defeating from unmet expectations of what life ought to have been. Maybe, even in the journey to get there, or even just 10 minutes before entering that place, you could have been fine. But there's no mistaking the moment you have stepped foot in that place. Even though you see smiles and there's nothing immediate to even suggest exasperation but your soul knows. Something is just ...amiss.

Things would have been fine if you could come out of it easily. But somehow, being in that vicinity tires you out to the point that all it does it makes you want to sleep long, unaccountable hours. Because in a place like that, where there is little to derive peace from, sleep is one of the few outlets. The feeling of defeat is made worse from the realisation that you have tried, honestly tried time and time again to change the surroundings, yet failed. 

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Models of problem-navigation:

Stoic teachings or mindfulness prescribe that if you cannot control the environment or people around you, at least you have control over your own mind and how you choose to react to certain things. The idea is to let everything and everyone be a passing emotion and experience as opposed to gripping onto it and letting it rob you off your peace. 

Conversely, the profession you choose such as a lawyer , an academician, a nurse, even a psychologist perhaps, imply that with your mastery of the workings of the mind,  with your art of persuasion, with your logical reasoning, maybe you can influence other people's minds for the better. 

Tradition (and maybe even religion) on the other hand dictate that you accord those who have walked this earth longer than you, especially your parents, with its fitting regard and respect. And a lot of this respect manifests in toned down voice, not pointing out the elephant in the room, and keeping order the certain way just because it has been that way for a while.  

In the battle of the three, I am trying to figure out which prevails. Can they co-exist in this situation?

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The Catch 22:

What's confusing is if this very environment you need escape from was the one responsible for nurturing you at your early stages so that you could find your own footing. That once upon a time, you could step in the same vicinity and you would have been oblivious to any grief. You did not need 6 hours to recuperate to just be functional. Where did it all go wrong, when you have a 28 timeline to work with?

What's worse is, absolutely nobody can recharge it, not even your well-intending friends or your good colleagues.  Maybe being away alone in the mountains is what it takes. And so you finally understand why Jesus Christ himself needed a time out from humanity for 40 days , (which seems to be a reccuring theme in the Bible!) You start to understand why great artists toyed with and harnessed their varying levels of insanity. You think about how greater knowledge and awareness comes with a heavy, heavy price, that maybe , if happiness were the end goal here, then it would be a lot better if your mind could just be content with the lower tier experience of it. 

Sometimes, being around a person when you feel this way can hurt them. Perhaps people who have never been in this place themselves would never be able to relate or understand. They have done you no wrong, they only want the best for you, and yet they are being 'punished' for the actions of others against you. 

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Personal Conclusion: The bigger purpose of life

So, surely, happiness cannot be the end goal of life? This theory would be too incompatible with so many other things about the way world works, like drug abuse, capitalism, addiction, the fashion industry, international politics, or why rich people are still miserable.

My personal take, at this point of time at least, is that peace attained from mastery of the mind to create the best outcome you can with the limited time you have is the end goal here.

Maybe the end goal differs for each individual.

Maybe scientifically, 40 days (to disappear into the mountains) bears a great significance we haven't unlocked yet. About time to give the modern-day equivalent of disappearing into the mountains a try?

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