Lessons on Peace.

People are walking contradictions. 

People ask for your opinion on something, but what they really want to hear is an echo of how they feel about the situation. 

So, if the opinion does not mirror theirs, believe it or not, ....they may not appreciate it? 

Similarly, people seek peace in temples, in music, psychological teachings, in art, a diet or in mediation practices, and yet, when the formula is as simple as a weekly prayer to a divine being to  'forgive us as we forgive those who sin against us' , the game changes. 

So.. about peace. 

Peace = War

In order to acquire peace, quite ironically, you have to war for it. Whether it is to be at war with your own thoughts, your own ego, or those of others, your fundamentals will often be put to the ultimate test. To truly test your ability to find peace you might have to brave hurricanes of chaos and situations that contradict your core values and your dreams. It is easy to be at peace when you're at the top of a mountain watching the sunrise amidst the sound of birds. But the true test of acquisition of peace is when you sit, unprovoked, in a boat amidst the storm. It's almost counterintuitive. Survival instincts will tell you it's the last thing to do. But you do it because, adulting is all about the tough choices.

Peace = Internal and external assurance

To be able to sit calmly in the boat amidst the storm is to be able to have faith that you will come out alright. Faith is multi-facetted. 

That faith could be premised on a divine being watching over your best interests so long as you sign a contract with it to 'do good' and please it. (Divine Contract)

That faith could stem from motivational words from your closest friends who want the best for you, so long as you provide the same motivations when the time calls for it. (Social Contract)

That faith could be based on a knowledge of yourself- i.e, ability to swim or, if situations leave you stranded on an island, you could start a fire, weave a raft, uncover what fruits are poisonus, or hunt and cook meat (Living skills basically) (Self-confidence) 

Peace = Loneliness 

With the 'Divine Contract' and the 'Social Contract' for example, these depend on the element of 'consideration' (used in the legal sense). If you do something morally ambiguous as a religious person, your belief that God is out there to look out for you may weaken because he is upset with you. Under the social contract, your friends' support for you comes with the standard obligations of reciprocity required of any friendship. However, as a working adult, navigating life as a different person in your teens, it becomes harder to become completely present for another , especially if you are pouring from an empty cup emotionally. At some point, if your grief or lack of peace prolongs for years without a resolution to the point that it takes a toll on your personality, this may impact your friendship. Because this is not the friend that they signed up for in the beginning. The idea of friendships being very transactional in nature is something most would not like to confront. 

But, when we are truly alone with our sordid thoughts, we are creatures of self-preservation. In fact, our entire biology was built that way. It's only healthy to take care of your emotional space to take some steps away from someone whose glass is perpetually half empty and whose life is constantly depressing because you will start to feel like they are not helping themselves.

When you are truly alone, CONFRONTING your demons, your darkest thoughts, for a significant amount of time -- you will come to realise your true strengths (and limitations) without someone else's lens. Whether someone is in your life or not, one day you will reach a point where it makes no difference and does not have the power to shake up your entire world.

When someone shares a different opinion such as the earth is flat, you let them live with their reality even though you have a different set of belief. Their belief does not anger you. When someone judges the way that you spend your money, you are secure that you have bought yourself your version of happiness, whether it looks like a new pair of trainers to some, or insurance to others. When someone cooks a food a different way than you are accustomed to, when they have different storage habits, cleanliness levels, or they wear a shirt that has some holes on it, you do not take it upon you to educate them of the 'right' way to do things. It doesn't impact you, because in the grand scheme of things, the impermanence of life and what a short time you have on it to be at war with others is always at the back of your mind. You live life with the realisation that existence on its own is a subjective experience. 

To be alone is to have room to explore your own taste in food, music and literature without constantly reaching a compromise with someone/ a group. It can feel like the most isolating thing in the world at first, bordering on thoughts of pointlessness to anything if you cannot share this experience with anyone. But to keep so many people in your life whose energy actively extinguishes your flame, is more harmful in the long run. And most importantly, to master the art of being alone is a sense of peace, and not have to feel like your mind is being pulled in seperate directions in thought from different peoples' opinions of what your decisions ought to look like. To find comfort in alone-ness is to gradually limit insecurity. 

Peace = Letting Go 

Sounds simple enough but what does this mean?

I recently learned of a story of an acquaintance who did not live with a parent due to misunderstandings which prolonged for two years over the messy state that the house was left. It turns out, the other parent whom was frustrated too, made the same decision. At some point, this culminated in a sudden death of the parent who was left alone. Suddenly, the idea that the state of the home was messy seemed much less significant in the face of the fact that they would never see or hear from that parent ever again.

Think about how short life is, in the grand scheme of things. We only have a limited time on earth to do good and be remembered for it.

With that said, to seek peace is to have compassion and empathy in your heart even for those who hurt us, because sometimes, as they are hurting us, they may not realise that is what they are doing. Sometimes, their mere existence, their thoughts and their world is something so inherently incompatible with our values that it can trigger us and disrupt our peace. (Here's the kicker, if you do not have compassion and empathy for your own self, how can it magically appear for others?)

Until very recently, I wanted to make a permanent decision to 'choose me' and detach completely from certain family members but a chain of events took place which forced me to reevaluate this decision. A 2 hour zoom call with my friend Abi (who's settling down well in the UK post exams!) certainly helped with this decision. 

I rethought my decision, and had an actual conversation where I took the time to do more listening to the source of much peace-disruption only to find out that certain words have been interpreted in a hostile light when they were not so. My own preconceptions of the situations hurt me, instead of the acts of that person itself. If I normalised things, then all around me will feel normal. If I walk around with a lack of peace within me, then all around me will feel like chaos. This is where empathy comes to play. It was a valuable lesson to preserve peace by giving the other the benefit of the doubt of 'good intentions' (Re: not 'best' intentions, just good intentions), coupled with an active respect for the subjectivity of the human experience. 

CAPTION:

"The man can't see the snake biting his wife, and the woman can't see the boulder on her husbands back, the moral of the story here is that sometimes a man can't see the pain that his wife is suffering from and women can't understand the pressure men feel on a day to day basis, within couples we need to learn to understand each other more and communicate better so we can seek out the problems and turn weaknesses into strengths"

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So, now that I have pondered upon some fundamentals, comes the 'practicing' part.

I struggle with this on the daily, being someone who is very led by emotion. I don't forget how someone makes me feel. Long after I have made the decision to forgive. And this is where the process of forgiveness is not complete. So when it's not complete, it is as good as it's not done. You don't get a certificate/medal for running half the race. Heck, you don't even get to say you 'ran the race'!