So, actually, WHAT are you doing now ah?

I think that if an Aussie Dollar were donated every time I was asked that (^) question and smoothly maneuvered it , we'd be saving the lives of many kangaroos and koalas rn. -.-

[Source: https://www.bbc.com/news/in-pictures-50971879]

--Truly devastating start to the year.

You see . Like most 25 year old asian young adults who have degrees and still live with their aged parents because there's-no-way-in-hell-this-economy-and-job-market-is-going-to-reward-them-financially-and-it's-not-because-they-are-lazy-or-incompetent;-unless-they-settle-for-shit-pay-or-become-a-retail-slave.

I decided to do the unthinkable. I decided to take a break. *pause* *gulp*.

Life since being an 18 year old clutz who was navigating her way through A -levels has been a streak of hustling. I always knew that a career would be at the finishing line of this 7 year journey, but I did not expect to feel such chaos, to be so divided-- when the time came to commit to being a lawyer. I've been made to feel, in many ways, that choice is not a luxury afforded for people like me. That if I dared dream of pursuing anything else apart from a lawyer as a career, I was either ungrateful or doomed to fail. I was made to feel that a job serves one purpose, to make an income to pay the bills and give back. You know, like a cash cow.

(Fuck things like a work-life-balance, how far it is from home, whether you enjoy learning from the job, whether you see a career progression, whether you have the energy  to invest in things which make you feel alive like meeting your friends, learning a language, working out, or watching a beautiful sunset, right?)

"Studied to be a lawyer right, so look for job in a firm la."

The thing is, in the I have also expressed, in many ways, that I did not think I was a right fit for practice. Not because of practice. I have the highest of regards for the legal profession. The first reason is a largely curable one. I felt burnt out. Like I did not invest time in myself doing other things I love. I only followed some sort of a checklist, an academic plan. I was not at peace with myself. But to cure this would have taken a complete time-out of all responsibility and accountability. One which I am glad I took.

"So, actually, why were you burnt out, ah?"

A. COMMUTING

During my chambering period, I took the public transport. Let me give you an idea of what that is like.

20 min drive by dad (now retired) to a train station + 30 min LRT ride to Plaza Rakyat + 20 min MRT ride to Pusat Bandar Damansara + 10 min Feeder bus to Plaza Damansara + 1 min walk to office.

WHY did I do this?

Pros:
1. I have a phobia of getting into an accident.
2. I also suffered from random pangs of anxiety, and I would not have known what to do if I got a panic attack in the midst of a traffic jam.
3. I  saw it as an eco-friendly option, and it allows me to chill in the air-conditioned train and listen to music.
4. I did not have to spend on parking, toll or petrol which served me well much later (i.e now when I accumulated a large amount of savings)

Cons:
Being small sized, mornings would be like standing under a roof of tall people's arms, in a packed train. I swear there was this one time someone puked mid-standing , and I was still 4 stations away, and getting off to take another one would have made me very late-- it was the most uncomfortable train-ride in my life. Sometimes, even though you're just commuting, it can be an exhausting process especially after a long day when all you want to do is get some rest ASAP. Leaving early did not mean reaching home early, so I'd have to eat out for dinner (cause I got hungry a lot). It made me feel handicapped to not be able to get myself to places. But I still thought the pros outweighed the drawbacks.

This was the grind practically everyday, to and fro, unless I had to stay on in the night , then my dad would pick me up. I felt bad for needing to still depend on him. But I am sure others have worse problems.


B) FEELINGS OF INCOMPETENCE

Throughout my studies, I was lucky enough to get good grades. I think this was largely due to the fact that academic exams give you a period of time to learn something and WRITE your answers down in a fixed time. It took a lot of pressure off making instantaneous decisions. A-grade exam papers did not necessarily translate to A-grade lawyers. I found myself stumbling in matters of procedure. I did not have a lot of things I should have at the tips of my fingers.

Of course one could say this is just the beginning and you're bound to make mistakes but sometimes these mistakes were costly.  I felt like apart from repetitive drafting work, I did not have much potential. I felt like I should have taken CLP more seriously. I felt like I was disappointing my bosses. But it was never their job to mollycoddle me. In fact, I appreciate the high standards I was held accountable to.

But at one point, I felt out of touch, I fell out of love with what I was doing because these mistakes I were making were telling me that I was not doing something I love. Because when you love something, and when you put your passion into it, you still feel a sense of wanting to go back no matter how many times you feel punched down. That was missing for me.


C) A LACK OF SUPPORT AND RESEARCH ON ALTERNATIVE CAREER PATHS.

 Don't get me wrong. My parents were very supportive of my pursuits, but any mention of a career outside a lawyer was met with so much criticism that I did not entertain that idea that much. My view was that a law degree is a diverse  and valuable one, which opens the door to so many fields. It was the reason I chose this degree in the first place. I was very keen on exploring a career as a Diplomat. I also felt that, this is the exact reason that you pursue tertiary education, it gives you some sort of bargaining power in the job market and you don't HAVE to settle for any scraps that come your way, or the first company who is willing to pay anything. Beggars cannot be choosers, they say, but I certainly would not call myself a beggar.

At the end of the day, this is not a blame game. Maybe I was in control of a lot more than I gave myself credit for. All I know is, at that time , I was not myself. I was not happy. It was spilling over onto all other interactions and subtle aspects of my life. Fast forward to end of August .

***

So then chambering ended. I got called to the Bar in December. Great. What happened in between/ next?


In a hyper-shortened recap of things;

As part of an office trip, in no particular order :-
The force of the wind blowing trough my hair on the cliffs of Bali, eating fresh seafood by Jimbaran beach amidst the beautiful Balinese sunset, blue waters, a window seat in the airplane, experimenting with local cuisine and laughing with the best roommates. Oh, and how could I forget getting ripped off over some bangles I got as souvenirs .

 

 

 

 

 

As part of being needing a break from scorching hot KL sun:- The chill of the Pahang waterfalls, the vibrant coloured cactuses , a bite off some juicy and fresh strawberries, the night market, all while in 15 degrees Cameron Highlands weather .

 

 

 

As part of a birthday weekend getaway:- I basked in the sands of Port Dickson beach with mom and dad. There's a mini home-video about it ! 

I embraced the peace of the recently named senior citizen friendly Taiping city ;

 

I attended a dear friend's wedding in Ipoh with my ex colleagues;

 

When I turned 24, I visited one of the most luxurious bars I've had the pleasure of coming across *cough* Vogue *cough* and had lunch in a pretty cafe;

I signed up for a malayalam class.

I started watching good movies and really paying attention to its screenwriting, dialogue, scenes.

I started watching good shows, the ones that leave you  a little less dumb after. (Patriot Act ftw)

I started writing songs and journaling a little more.

I started listening to meditation podcasts to fall asleep.

I spent a lot of time with my cats.

I started jogging whenever I could.

I tried an aerial yoga class.

I tried a fly-cycle class. (TEN OUTTA TEN WOULD RECOMMEND)

I tried to make some banana pancakes and falafels, and whatever random curries my mom was in the mood to teach;

I tried to socialise--met some new faces (and old ones).

 

 

 

I bonded with my inner circle over a staycation, in the heart of KL. (and dropped monopoly money into the toilet)

I spent more time with family.

I took the time to take in beautiful sunsets and rainbows, even if it were just in front of my house.

Of course, throughout this time, job applications were in the mix too, ...but good things take time I guess?

"So, was this all, worth it ah? if ultimately you're still unemployed?"

My final answer is , YES. With a capital 'yeargh'.

1.  I learned more about self love in the past 5 months than I did in the past 25 years.

2. I did not ask anyone for any money, surviving off my own accumulated savings, while still paying off my PTPTN and phone/Netflix bills.

3. So really, if any boomer tries to make me feel lesser for choosing the choices I did, all I have to say is that, our end goals differ, and it takes a sub-human level of strength to not succumb to the Asian-parent guilt and choose YOUR version of happiness.

4. Because guess what, I am not a cash cow. And guess what, I found that keeping everyone else in my life happy and content made me the most miserable. So this is me choosing me, being kinder with myself, having more patience and forgiveness with my ownself for once.

5. My views on not practicing have since changed, and I am now open to trying anything once, because everything is a learning experience, and because I am now recharged.

Disclaimer: Please understand that growth is a continuous process, and so is perception. These are my thoughts as of now.

***

Till she gets a job - Part 1.

It's been a long gap since my last post which can only mean that life was good. Past tense, take note. I don't like how this has become a 'dear diary...' kind of place where I inject small but steady doses of heartaches. Because I should feel perfectly liberated to pen down things which go great for me, right? So. What made me come back?

Nine months of chambering came to an end in August. I completed the remaining Legal Aid duty days I had. I had quite a bit of fun. Then the highs of unemployment wore off. 

I had to write a CV.

Writing it forced me to examine where I was, where I am and where I want to be. And in that process, I realised, I let some very central traits of mine slip away, carried by the tides of wanting to fit in with a world that was not mine, at all. I felt like I had to bury who I was for so long under responsibilities, expectations, projections. Because that is what it took to be taken seriously. It involved a whole lot of sacrifice and I have nothing but respect for those who come out feeling alive, knowing this is their calling.

They say the 9 months is symbolic because that's how long it takes a fetus to fully form. That it was never meant to be easy, and just like a baby being born it is meant to be both transformative and painful. But it's like being born into a legal fraternity.

I waited for this feeling. Maybe I focused on wanting this feeling too much. That's why it never came. When you love what you do, I imagine you feel it from the moment you open your eyelids to get you to work. It is your passion that becomes the driving force. Not an impending fear of scorn, being rejected, or needing to learn that everything you worked so hard for may not be what you're good at. Who wants to open their eyes to that reality, anyway? That they may have wasted, (or will continue to waste) precious time in their lives for some greater good or to prove a point that THEY DUNNITTTT (!!?) *battle music*

So here is my attempt at reviving a part of me I always loved. Writing. I still keep books from my prepubescent days no matter how much it makes me want to gauge my eyeballs out reading the things I thought were the shit. The people I would have given the world for and of course the things I regarded as cool. *Sigh*

Speaking of cool, Lolo Zuai makes ethereal music and I have been falling asleep to her album 'High Highs and Low Lows' for the third consecutive day now. ♥
There is this beautiful French song in there called 'Beaucoup', which translates to 'very much'. (Thank God for DuoLingo!) which is a great song to play at the background of a vintage tinted film documenting a love story. As far as TV Shows go, American Horror Story has created a clusterfuck of existential, religious and sexual crises within this already turbulent mind.

But a turbulent mind.

It appeals to some, don't it?

If you love something , set it free.

I think everyone reaches a point one day where they know it's time to let go of something or someone which no longer serves any positive impact or bearing in their lives.

This would mean, a point when , you question if you stick around out of ;
- a misplaced sense of loyalty
- fear of change,letting go of something you're familiar with, with nothing to jump onto
- holding on to good memories, which are long overdue and have not been renewed for some time.

The price you pay when you move to a new phase of your life, but carry old baggage = the baggage disrupts the future plans. Maybe it wasn't always baggage. Maybe it was functional, once upon a time , but the tides turned and now it does not do you any good. Now , holding onto it just brings about pain and hurt.

The kind of hurt you COULD easily dispense with but you don't because ..
(refer to above list).

Introspection should be able to bring about a lot more than realisation. The realisation has set in. So what about the action? What happens next is in your hands . 

Superficial times.

I've always thought -- If you're going to have a face between your legs, at least make it a pretty one.

Sexual attraction is imperative. However, sexual attraction and attraction on its own can hold different meanings.

I've consistently been 'attracted' to people with depth.

This may include, (although it's a non-exhaustive list) :

People with anxiety issues, so they know what it's like to not diminish someone else's thoughts into the far future and just wanting to be ready for what comes.
People who know what rejection is like, just so that they are sensitive to people who are weak or have less.
People who know what hard work really means, so even if one day they hit rock bottom financially, they have it in them to start from scratch and recreate the empire.
People, who developed a good sense of humor as a defence mechanism, or simply to compensate for not having the best looks. Because who doesn't enjoy a good banter?
People who, and this is a new addition-- are kind to strangers like waiters or spares some change to a beggar, smiles at who they meet and speaks with tact.
People who think it is important to speak well, even when it comes to text. Because this opens a portal to a deeper level of communication when you can articulate exactly what you feel or are thinking, and communication resonates more freely.
People who are loyal so they stand by you when things are difficult, not hop on to the next easiest thing.

Now, if I found some of these in a person, this would be it.  Right? um. I don't know.

Can these traits outweigh a pretty face with no substance? I don't know.
Can I live with someone who has most of these but not my idea of what a physically attractive face is like? Again, I don't even know.

At which point does sexual attraction come in? Does it come in when you look at someone's face first, then your mind begins to conjure these traits within them? Or do you see these traits and gradually this physically unattractive person becomes sexually attractive? ...you got it. I don't know.

I mean, I know this is a relatively shallow issue to discuss because I know of times when people did not have the luxury of being in love/sexually attracted. This was also a time when parents traded/united their children like cattle to create the best potential outcome for their families in terms of wealth, ties and status.

I guess it all boils down to what is important to a person. What is it that you need from another human being that you cannot already provide yourself? And before you even demand this from another person, are you first, what that person hopes you to be?


My current view is that it's simply illogical to have the best of both worlds.  I think that it defeats logic for a person to be both good looking (in the traditional sense) and have the kind of... depth I exemplified. Because the world is generally kinder to those with a pretty face, so they would never have to know what a day is like in the world of people who aren't like them. Naturally their personalities will differ because they see the world through a different lens. Naturally the (much nicer) events which shape them differ. Naturally, the crowd they mix with will differ, so the way they interact with people differs.

I have this feeling that the only compatible person for me that I can think of right now is someone who knows what it's like to have been on both ends of the social spectrum and possibly be flexible on the gender scale too. So in other words, this means that I will die alone.

Sekian terima kasih.