disclaimer : This is going to be a very raw and real post, not intended as an attack at anyone in particular.
"Suicide is cowardly , selfish and childish" ;
...easy to say if you have not completely surpassed all your limits and don't feel like every passing hour is an eternity away. I hate how depression as a concept and feeling has become so dumbed down. You do NOT get depressed over the fact that the shoes don't come in your colour. You get depressed when the rug that is your life gets violently tugged from beneath where you're standing and you just want to feel... normal again. What people fail to see is that a suicidal person is not acting out and doing it to hurt, it's a complete 'fuck all' feeling where being alive is mental torture and it's got nothing to do with YOU, don't take someone's death and make it about YOU.
When I was immersed deeper into depression and could not see the light, I wanted to articulate exactly what that felt like . I wanted to capture my thoughts in real time. Because even then, at the bottom of the pit, I knew that there would be a time when I would not feel that way anymore. I would not even remember why I felt the way I did. I wanted to believe that the colourful witty person was the default me, and this angry, sad person was the exception.
So I would write a line or two of something, before feeling like it was pointless, and wanting to work on something else. A new episode, to study a new chapter, to be on facebook or instagram, have a snack. Then I'd tell myself, it's late. Let's wake up tomorrow early in the morning, have a hot cup of Milo and begin. And the next day would come. But the moment I felt my eyes open, I would lie in bed for a further two hours, pillows on my left and right to resemble the warmth of another person. There was nothing to look forward to for the day. Everybody else had a life to return to, a job to work, a family crisis to resolve, their own settling in issues from spending a year abroad, and I'd be met with the same old advice;
Top 5 'helpful' advice to someone you know who's falling apart:
1. People are going through worse, be grateful for all that you already have.
2. You know that I'm there, I just cannot be there right now.
3. Why don't you spend some time outside your house?
4. Go and buy things to make yourself happy.
5. Pray, don't lose faith in God.
Which would have been great, except I was constrained, financially, transport wise, and when all I wanted to do was spend time with people, they would be busy. I cannot be angry with people for having a life, I understand. But it got frustrating to spend time with just my thoughts.
The second most prominent thing about being depressed was my complete inability to sleep until it was 5-6 am . At first I thought it was the fact that I just came back to a different time zone. But by the time October peeked in, I knew it was more that that. Imagine needing to do five to eight hours of class alongside this, dress well, pay attention, be a good student and neglect the fact that I was not happy with my life, because after all "You have so much to be grateful for, if you're not happy it is your fault". To which again, I'd be met with more 'helpful' advice.
--gee, thanks.
Tasks like waking up and being in class, dressed well were suddenly.. difficult , and because it was so easy to everyone else, I was afraid that opening up about it just made me appear like a big baby who just needs to get by. Who I was on the outside or on social media was a completely inaccurate reflection of what was going on inside. Because, god forbid you expose your vulnerabilities online.
And maybe because I seemed fine , no alarm bells rung for those who I really wanted to read in between lines and know what was going on. Physically present.
It's not like I was in solitary confinement . It was worse. It was being surrounded by people but feeling so alone, misunderstood, vulnerable. It was no surprise that my relationship with almost everyone was failing as well. My intentions of wanting a better environment or space to exist in got translated as unreasonable demands and ungratefulness. I spoke less, because I could already forsee every conversation ending with a conflict or fight, and every conflict just made me deteriorate further because to even exist required energy and I did not have the energy to defend myself from false accusations or hear myself being called selfish or needs to always be right --because 'alright/default me' would not have let the conversation navigate this way. Vulnerability leaves room for others to define who you are. You start thinking; 'Am I really like this or that?' Then I started believing and becoming the things I was fed with. That I was an unpleasant person to be around.
"Speak to people about what was going on, don't keep it all to yourself !"
The average adult provides a 'helpful' comparison of how things were in the good old days when people could endure far worse and harsh and still survive, being sure to mention that they have more reasons to not be alive, but that they didn't choose that, therefore the same comparison should apply. Completely oblivious to the seriousness of anything that is going on in your life which makes you feel like you are overreacting. On the same list of hurtful reactions is to be told that the pain and being depressed is self inflicted and if one could just look on the bright side then the problem would not exist. Perhaps what is more hurtful is when the familiar face you are relying on is looking at you like you're pathetic. You want to transfer your thoughts, energy, feelings to someone with a mere touch because you cannot gather the words even, to WHY you are hurt, HOW did it get this bad, WHAT you plan to do about it.
P/S for future reference : A simple "I understand" would have spoke louder than anything. All someone who is kicked down wants for is for someone to wants to spend time with them. Does not have to be anything fancy.
"Just focus on your studies, after all, that's all you have to do now"
That's another thing , which I found kept coming up whether directly or indirectly. Again I feel, another surprisingly difficult thing to do stemming from the inability to focus on one thing. There are so many needs, which can't be bought and cannot be satisfied, underlying in the background, and after all the trial run stuff was dismissed as no big deal, what person would feel like discussing the rest?
Just another subset of depression is how everything which used to be your favourite thing loses its appeal to you. There is no food you think tastes good or worth craving. There's no event you want to be at because that means meeting more people and needing to put an alright or happy mask on. There are no clothes you find flatter you anymore. There is no person who peaks your interest. Cynicism creeps in. It feels annoying to watch or be around happy people because you know happiness is a short lived, temporary concept . Or maybe you envy how other people start of this race with springy shoes and cheerleaders on the sidelines while you are running it barefoot and alone.
Perhaps what's worst than fluctuating (or non existent) interests, is a fluctuating mood . How you can feel so weighed down in the morning then by evening feel completely different then switch back by midnight. When you're 'normal', you really believe you're just overreacting. Maybe if you wait it out, it can get better. But it doesn't , does it?
I hope I captured what it feels like, even though deep down I think I don't do the description justice because everyone experiences it differently . Things have gotten a little bit better but the fact that I wanted to articulate this was at the back of my mind for some time. I'm glad I did it. '
*sigh*
"Suicide is cowardly , selfish and childish" ;
...easy to say if you have not completely surpassed all your limits and don't feel like every passing hour is an eternity away. I hate how depression as a concept and feeling has become so dumbed down. You do NOT get depressed over the fact that the shoes don't come in your colour. You get depressed when the rug that is your life gets violently tugged from beneath where you're standing and you just want to feel... normal again. What people fail to see is that a suicidal person is not acting out and doing it to hurt, it's a complete 'fuck all' feeling where being alive is mental torture and it's got nothing to do with YOU, don't take someone's death and make it about YOU.
When I was immersed deeper into depression and could not see the light, I wanted to articulate exactly what that felt like . I wanted to capture my thoughts in real time. Because even then, at the bottom of the pit, I knew that there would be a time when I would not feel that way anymore. I would not even remember why I felt the way I did. I wanted to believe that the colourful witty person was the default me, and this angry, sad person was the exception.
So I would write a line or two of something, before feeling like it was pointless, and wanting to work on something else. A new episode, to study a new chapter, to be on facebook or instagram, have a snack. Then I'd tell myself, it's late. Let's wake up tomorrow early in the morning, have a hot cup of Milo and begin. And the next day would come. But the moment I felt my eyes open, I would lie in bed for a further two hours, pillows on my left and right to resemble the warmth of another person. There was nothing to look forward to for the day. Everybody else had a life to return to, a job to work, a family crisis to resolve, their own settling in issues from spending a year abroad, and I'd be met with the same old advice;
Top 5 'helpful' advice to someone you know who's falling apart:
1. People are going through worse, be grateful for all that you already have.
2. You know that I'm there, I just cannot be there right now.
3. Why don't you spend some time outside your house?
4. Go and buy things to make yourself happy.
5. Pray, don't lose faith in God.
Which would have been great, except I was constrained, financially, transport wise, and when all I wanted to do was spend time with people, they would be busy. I cannot be angry with people for having a life, I understand. But it got frustrating to spend time with just my thoughts.
The second most prominent thing about being depressed was my complete inability to sleep until it was 5-6 am . At first I thought it was the fact that I just came back to a different time zone. But by the time October peeked in, I knew it was more that that. Imagine needing to do five to eight hours of class alongside this, dress well, pay attention, be a good student and neglect the fact that I was not happy with my life, because after all "You have so much to be grateful for, if you're not happy it is your fault". To which again, I'd be met with more 'helpful' advice.
"I can't seem to fall asleep."
"Just go and close your eyes, put away your phone , and sleep". --gee, thanks.
Tasks like waking up and being in class, dressed well were suddenly.. difficult , and because it was so easy to everyone else, I was afraid that opening up about it just made me appear like a big baby who just needs to get by. Who I was on the outside or on social media was a completely inaccurate reflection of what was going on inside. Because, god forbid you expose your vulnerabilities online.
And maybe because I seemed fine , no alarm bells rung for those who I really wanted to read in between lines and know what was going on. Physically present.
It's not like I was in solitary confinement . It was worse. It was being surrounded by people but feeling so alone, misunderstood, vulnerable. It was no surprise that my relationship with almost everyone was failing as well. My intentions of wanting a better environment or space to exist in got translated as unreasonable demands and ungratefulness. I spoke less, because I could already forsee every conversation ending with a conflict or fight, and every conflict just made me deteriorate further because to even exist required energy and I did not have the energy to defend myself from false accusations or hear myself being called selfish or needs to always be right --because 'alright/default me' would not have let the conversation navigate this way. Vulnerability leaves room for others to define who you are. You start thinking; 'Am I really like this or that?' Then I started believing and becoming the things I was fed with. That I was an unpleasant person to be around.
"Speak to people about what was going on, don't keep it all to yourself !"
The average adult provides a 'helpful' comparison of how things were in the good old days when people could endure far worse and harsh and still survive, being sure to mention that they have more reasons to not be alive, but that they didn't choose that, therefore the same comparison should apply. Completely oblivious to the seriousness of anything that is going on in your life which makes you feel like you are overreacting. On the same list of hurtful reactions is to be told that the pain and being depressed is self inflicted and if one could just look on the bright side then the problem would not exist. Perhaps what is more hurtful is when the familiar face you are relying on is looking at you like you're pathetic. You want to transfer your thoughts, energy, feelings to someone with a mere touch because you cannot gather the words even, to WHY you are hurt, HOW did it get this bad, WHAT you plan to do about it.
P/S for future reference : A simple "I understand" would have spoke louder than anything. All someone who is kicked down wants for is for someone to wants to spend time with them. Does not have to be anything fancy.
"Just focus on your studies, after all, that's all you have to do now"
That's another thing , which I found kept coming up whether directly or indirectly. Again I feel, another surprisingly difficult thing to do stemming from the inability to focus on one thing. There are so many needs, which can't be bought and cannot be satisfied, underlying in the background, and after all the trial run stuff was dismissed as no big deal, what person would feel like discussing the rest?
Just another subset of depression is how everything which used to be your favourite thing loses its appeal to you. There is no food you think tastes good or worth craving. There's no event you want to be at because that means meeting more people and needing to put an alright or happy mask on. There are no clothes you find flatter you anymore. There is no person who peaks your interest. Cynicism creeps in. It feels annoying to watch or be around happy people because you know happiness is a short lived, temporary concept . Or maybe you envy how other people start of this race with springy shoes and cheerleaders on the sidelines while you are running it barefoot and alone.
Perhaps what's worst than fluctuating (or non existent) interests, is a fluctuating mood . How you can feel so weighed down in the morning then by evening feel completely different then switch back by midnight. When you're 'normal', you really believe you're just overreacting. Maybe if you wait it out, it can get better. But it doesn't , does it?
I hope I captured what it feels like, even though deep down I think I don't do the description justice because everyone experiences it differently . Things have gotten a little bit better but the fact that I wanted to articulate this was at the back of my mind for some time. I'm glad I did it. '
*sigh*