Like what you see?

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Why I am so hard on myself.

I will not make it sweet on the ears. I will tell it as it is. And the truth is that I have always had (and still have) to grow up ahead of my time and age.

I am not allowed the luxury of stupid jokes and childish games , and if I do have those, talking about it at home just made the age gap stick out like a sore thumb because who else can relate.

I'm not allowed to suck on general knowledge , because in a room full of people who are good at a diverse range of things, the common ground of 'assessing' intelligence is general knowledge . So it doesn't matter if I haven't even heard of this country, I can't say I don't know where it is on the map. It doesn't matter if I hate politics, I have to know stuff about it because ignorance about issues like that is stupid by default.

I am not allowed the luxury of screwing up. Always have to get things right the first time. Not just right, but fantastic enough to get me recognition and scholarships. It's the only way I know. Because I cannot afford resits (in every sense of the word). It's either make it the first time or don't get to continue it. --I cannot deal with finishing something only halfway. Also when people are so used to you doing it right the first time, it takes more to seem like it's good. You don't get content with good. It must be significantly better than average.

I don't think I allow myself to be average because it is either the success, confidence or idiosyncrasies which lure people to socialize with me. So, what happens when they find that I fall short of their expectations? they leave. And it can be a very damaging experience personally when someone walks into my life, tears down the wall, memorizes my maze--(all the trapdoors and secret exits), then exit .

I was not one of those who had much family trips to places or vacations or even photographs because everyone had their fun by the time I came. Things like that moved from being fun to being a hassle , something to complain about, a dreadful experience. (So far, no money, petrol, stop for toilet, vomit, camera spoiled) and all this just makes me hungry to ensure history does not repeat.

I am assertive and given what I want if I truly deserve it. And most of the time, I work till I deserve it.