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Wednesday, February 1, 2017


I'm a poser, a little bit dramatic. I suffer from a self-confidence deficit and narcissistic surplus simultaneously; I care about beauty and appearance a lot more than I wish I did, am often completely disorganized to the point that the people in my life intervene (whether voluntary or not) to help put things in perspective. I overthink well into the future and about things I could have changed in the past. I tend to act in condescending ways to mask how lowly I view myself and not many people have the patience to deal with this. I enjoy arguing with people because that's my way of showing love. (just ask my mom) However, my intense arguments may be interpreted as liking to 'pick a fight' or unable to accept defeat.  I'd always expect the people around me to take care of me. I am fussy about who I would consider dating not because I think I am all that, but once I fall for someone I get extremely vulnerable and crumble at the slightest hint of this person walking out of my life like many have done before. Dealing with me requires a number of things. (although I wish people did not have to 'deal' with me but genuinely accept all the little hurdles that came along with all the good stuff.)

You see, I'm well aware of these flaws. But on the other end of the spectrum, I'm also aware of the traits which make me a valuable friend. I'm loyal as fuck, I'm honest, I'd do a lot for someone who places trust in me. I'd give twice as much as I receive if I see you as genuine. I'll reciprocate your humor and make you blush from my inappropriate pick up lines, which if you were my friend,--will probably be the test subject for. I'll pause my shows for you if you mean enough and remind you of your worth when you feel like a useless speck of dust in a big universe of other more important, prioritized things. 

I'll say yes to almost all your crazy plans just so we'd have a story to tell about our lives--such as going outside in a sleeveless dress at 3 am in negative temperatures; or dancing in a public mall, rapping in a grocery store isle, kissing people in a game of truth or dare, using a line on an attractive stranger then casually walking away, telling you twisted on-the-spot made up stories that keep you up at night, styling you up, teaching you fun ways to workout, make conversation using only my facial expressions, explain my passions and never ending ideas, push you past your perceived limit when it comes to patience/discipline/confidence. I'll tell you as much stories as I'll give you. I'll make you think . I will make you write. Feel. Communicate.

These apply for those who have known and then made a decision to exit my life. But. LIKE.

 What I don't get, are people who don't know anything about me yet have issues with me . I know we aren't supposed to care about irrelevant people who do not form your inner circle nor please everyone but it just makes me curious.What did I do to you? Are you cognitive abilities so impaired that you hear stories or rumors and instantly believe them based on your own biases?

*psychology reference, whuddup! * 

I'm only human to be feeling affected by this. The people around me have shown me more of what not to compromise for. Traits which are always going to be embedded deep within my fibres ; traits which not everyone will necessarily be a fan of, but I'll still have to keep --because that's me. But hey If it isn't worth your time then I can't make you stay in my life anymore. I can only apologise if friendship with me was at any point unpleasant or toxic.

Thanks Haish .