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Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The balancing act

How many times do I have to hurt like this before I become accustomed to the pain? They tell you to talk it out but what if your confidante is the source of pain, or by telling--you put the people you care about in a worse off position than they already are?

The battle becomes to tell and free yourself at the expense of your loved ones' worry or to keep silent and hurt yourself? One bullet. Use it on them or yourself ?

I'm done with feeling like a tool to mediate others' joy but must painfully accept the reality that nobody will ever really be down for me half the way I can be for them. I am done with throwing myself a pity party too. I  want to be heard but anyone who hears comes to the conclusion that it's not that big of a deal or at least makes it sound that way. Then I end up double the level of hurt because it's from the people I don't expect it to come from. I wish I could eliminate my need to be validated by the people that I love.

So much negative energy accumulating in my heart. It is rising up to my head and impairing the way I deal with situations, or interact with those whom I really care about. I wish my plate were bigger to accommodate everything I want to put on it. NEED. Need to put on it.