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Sunday, April 30, 2017

Monophobia

Monophobia is the fear of being alone. If I had to dissect what exactly is terrifying about it I can't put my finger on it. Is it something I attribute to being the youngest child and needing to feel heard/important/be checked up on constantly because that is how it always just was? It's not a one way street because I always give that to people. But I've learned that there are more people out there who are not wired that way. It does not make them bad. In fact, my presence in their life is refreshing because nobody has taken that much time to put their well being above anything. However, even though I wanted to deny it at first--doing all of that makes me want to receive a little in return. 

It's not like I never had it. There were people who would go above and beyond for me. What did I do about it? I took it for granted. I did not stop to think that the kindness was a conscious CHOICE made by people even when they did not have to. I did not open my eyes to how difficult I could be especially when I get into a condescending mode to win an argument which I should have let it slip by. Or make them make decisions for me because of how indecisive I can get, even for the smallest or most annoying things. Or how I would call them up mid-anxiety attack to just bring me back to the verge of normalcy.

But sometimes, even when I throw tantrums and want more than anything for someone to be there ( Not just anybody because I am picky about who I connect with--the list is rather short) it hurts when I can sense that the other person does not even want to be there. The hurt is so immense, that suddenly dealing with the monophobia is not an unattractive option. When interactions have to be forced, when you can read dissatisfied or bored expressions, when you start hearing less about their day, when suddenly they get busy constantly -- coincidentally at the time when you are falling apart and just need to be in the presence of someone or something which feels safe.

You do not want to be selfish and ASK for them to be there against their own free will but you NEED someone genuine to just hug, smile at, say the first thing running on the top of your mind, have meals with-- and this need is magnified when your own "home" feels anything but. So is this called being emotionally dependent? Maybe. But maybe , just maybe , the world needs people like me because what world would it be if everyone turned stone cold as a defence mechanism to not get hurt by people's actions. Perhaps this is just the downsides which come with all the love and entertainment , lol.