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Saturday, December 22, 2012

05. The SPM experience.

Morph Jonathan Togo and Adam Sandler ?

Get Jason Biggs.


When  I was much younger, I looked at  'SPM'  and  'leaving school' as the benchmark of  'growing up'.

And now that I've actually been through it, I have to say--it's less big of a deal than I thought it would be.  Truth be told, I'm one of those hopeless people who never took SPM seriously and when the seriousness finally kicked in, started to suffer from major randomly-occurring panic attacks.

Lets start with the time it finally kicked in.

Also known as, two and a half weeks before SPM.

So in this corner, you have me and Amelia, panic as heck and trying to finish the past-year-questions book (regardless if knowledge entered our brains.) The people who would usually freak out and stress about exams appear to be calm.

Preparations for graduation day was going on. Nobody bothered entering classes anymore. Normally, this marked the end of any need to study or come to school, and I'd be enthusiastic about next years' schooling session. But this was my last year. It felt different. People could notice the change in my behavioral pattern. I just did not feel like talking to anyone who wasn't Amelia. Guilt and nausea came creeping in. 

When graduation ended, I felt that sinking feeling.

 ...I was going to sit for SPM in a matter of days. I was not prepared. Just as how I imagined it.

On top of that, I was not going to enter my classroom anymore.

Someone removed my trademarked triple layered plastic chair but by the way the chair is never faced in front you can tell my ass has been there. (: Also, there's something very eerie about this pic because the positions of both the chairs are EXACTLY like how me and Amelia would be seated.

Even when my birthday came , it didn't feel like it at all!  Dad was in India, sister was (at that time,) lost somewhere; so it was just me and mum. But I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. The quietness was actually conducive for studying. Ma was really sweet to get me this cake. (:

--Kuan Wai got me and Kah Junn, (born a day after me) a cake too! It was really sweet. (Literally or not, thanks! )

 Perhaps the last straw was when we were given this.

(If you ask me, it's the nicest thing the school has given us, considering the fact they gave all the people who got straight A's for PMR some RM1 notebooks!) I did not even care if I had sufficient pencils, I checked multiple times to see if my tiger balm was packed.

For some reason, it's a school's custom to hug all the teachers before the exam, to get their 'blessing'. But if you love giving and receiving hugs, why question, right? You could see some teachers getting teary-eyed. It felt so good to hear my moral teacher tell us that we were the best class she's taught. (: I choose to believe it's not drama. I want to believe it was genuine.


To summarize, the first week was...oookay. I definitely did NOT perform the best I could for BM and English, (imagine having 15 minutes and just finishing your second paragraph) which could cost me the good 1119 results I deserve. My heart is breaking at the thought of it. On top of that, my correction tape had to fall down and pop open beyond repair, before history paper II.

The second week was good, as there were only 3 subjects that week, and I did not feel any nausea. I made mistakes that cost me 10 marks, (changing right answer to wrong answer) but dwelling on them is not going to do me any good.

The third week was bad. I sat for a BIO SPM exam , by only studying form 4! That was my 'strategy'. I again made a horrible mistake of doing the right answer then changing it to a different one at the LAST minute. This time, 17 marks went flying out the window. Plus, my worst nightmare happened; MY CALCULATOR ran out of battery, and just died on me. Thank god I thought of worst case scenarios beforehand and had a second on up with me.

I did an immense amount of praying. That fainting feeling came during Chemistry and I just felt like dying. God was there with me through it all and if I manage to pull of even a five A's, it would only be because of him.

The day that we sat for our LAST exam, (which also was our last day of school)--did not really feel like it because people who did the wrong answer did not have any brain space to think of anything else.

Overall, it felt horrible because I crammed up one year worth of stress into a matter of weeks. The feeling of being unprepared for the biggest thing in your life? Not something I want to feel again. However, even though I did...relatively bad, I choose not to dwell on it and make my life more miserable than it already is. At least I figured out that I am not someone designed for stress(..?) I don't find it thrilling/exhilarating, and I don't function as I normally would. ...which helps in choosing a career!

After SPM happened, I didnt bother checking if the answers I wrote were right or wrong, my mind somehow developed this mechanism where it's deleting SPM from it's database. Now its as if SPM never happened. My life has been spent watching plenty of movies and TV shows. If you knew me enough, its nothing abnormal.

All in all I have no regrets about things I have done this year. Even if I don't get straight As, I have achieved many personal goals and have unique certs that nobody can take away from me. (: I stuck to my policy of never letting anything stop me from doing things I love.