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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Coping with Pao's loss-day 5.

I finally understand why some people do drugs.

I used to think it was so stupid. A typical making a statement act. Fitting in.  Peer pressure. Completely avoidable addiction. "Oh, I'm sad, so I am going to shower my self with strong nerve damaging drugs."

As far as my shallowness on the subject went, nothing was ever too sad that enough time and moral support couldn't heal.


But that was until I lost something I loved so, so, much.
I am in a state that I will take ANYTHING. Any alternative to keep me from being sane and being able to process my horrible reality of having the one thing I care about at home be stolen from me.



You know how you love something when you first get it and over time (years) your love isn't as strong? That is how it was NOT with Pao. Every single day I wake up and it's like the first time I'm seeing her. Every half an hour no matter what I am doing I just need to look at her just to make sure she is still alive and present and smile. That's how it was for the last six months.

Now I lie awake for hours when I am trying to sleep, playing back meaningless memories, such as her quietly lying on the computer table.  The flashes of memory I have, don't even have anything to do with me. They could be as random as Pao eating her bag of (still left the way it was) 'Whiskers'. Pao biting a leaf. Pao sleeping. Pao's eye twitching. Pao's tail.


I could be watching a video with headphones on, but suddenly hear her as if she were right behind me and freeze. (Happened 10 times this day alone) Everything I look at has a memory of her tethered to it. Every time I wake up I keep thinking maybe if I walked downstairs a Pao will be there to surprise me, she just took a long walk. I am sleeping on a bed without a bed sheet because if I put it back on it will always remind me that Pao slept ON that bed sheet. It will stare me in the face everyday.






I keep hearing her meow when she isn't there. When I eventually get to sleep she makes an appearance in my dreams. I just had a dream this evening, that she came back. She changed, almost like a different cat-- but she was back in my arms. It scared me. Would I be able to accept a different Pao if she returned?
 
I watch the other stray cats behind my house running about in their normal untainted lives and talk to them asking if they've seen my Pao, as if they would magically answer me back or even understand what I'm saying.

*****

You don't understand.
I don't love anything deeply enough to want to make sacrifices for and proclaim it to the world.


(Pao, jussssssst after giving birth. Last pic I took of her.)


*****

Now these are things I would seriously do. I don't believe in catching grenades or other melodramatic shit like that because what is the point of getting Pao back if I am not alive to see it happen eventually? I repeat. This is not me being dramatic, these are things I would actually do.

I would trade in not ever knowing my SPM results if that meant I could get Pao back the way she was when I last saw her.

I would trade in not going to college this year and watching other people progress with their lives.

I would trade in my sense of taste for seaweed (which sucks because sushi has seaweed)

I would trade in not having my leg scars heal ever which would mean I could never wear another dress and feel pretty.

I would trade not consuming anything for a week excluding water.

I would trade in not meeting anyone from secondary school ever again excluding Becky and the usual 8.

I would gladly have dengue and be admitted in a hospital for Pao.

I would be willing to not have a hand phone until I am 25.

I would go off facebook for half a month.

I would.. *gulp* have her kittens die, only if that meant she would be back.

I would give up ever have a twitter account.

I would give up Milo for half a year.

I would trade not being able to visit outside Asia ever.


*****

Paolina. 

:'(

:'(

:'(